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93,
I deleted my original post as I feel embarrassed and ashamed about the naivety of what I wrote. I apologize about this. Some serious study, cool head and calm reasoning would have been enough to fix my “medieval”, puerile and superstitious understanding of the subject-matter.
As for the specific episode that led me to panic one year ago, it looks actually irrelevant, not to say silly. I did discuss the issue with my Brothers who confirmed that my self-disapproval for that episode was definitely excessive.
I am deeply grateful for all the replies that were posted here and am deeply grateful to my Brothers. The precious replies I received here, as well as the wisdom and guidance provided by my Brothers, allowed me to regain my self-respect and start working seriously in order to achieve a proper understanding of Magick.
93, 93/93
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Cognitively maybe you could try to outframe your violation. Try to encompass it into something bigger which will turn some negative into positive and use the rest as an anchor to sacrifice something it is your will to sacrifice.
Remember everything is true. So your violation is and is not a violation at the same time. Play with the different points of vue and use this to accomplish a bigger step than expected. It may be hard but it might be he price(reward) to pay(get) for your "mistake".
I did many initiatic "mistakes" and everytime i managed to make them actually work as a step forward. In a sense there are only forward steps anyway. The thing is you may have no choice in such cases. Either you go two steps back, or two steps forward. In any case it will be hardcore. Be careful if you choose to use it as a "trampoline" because if you had trouble already at a particular stage, it might get worse if you actually manage what i'm suggesting.
But who knows... maybe you need bigger troubles and challenges paradoxically.
In any case it is interesting and a chance to get better.
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Care Frater ShTNH,
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. The word of Sin is Restriction.
your problem started before you took your initiations. Thelemic initiations do not bind up the will. those which do are either the result of ignorance and cultic entrapment or a social context which is too great a cost for any willful individual and deserving of breakage upon maturation.
it will be helpful to learn more about the Law of Thelema, individual sovereignty, and the orbit of true will. keep in mind that you will receive two primary sets of feedback about these and you should accordingly class and sort them:
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Slave - conscription-based ideological constructs lead to the type of 'karmic retribution' of which you speak. they play on guilt, they require in an absolute sense rather than being related to interdependence, and they seize upon dualism as a facet of consequence. conventional responsibilities are escalated within esoteric cults and linked with inordinate and superordinary binding and penalty. watch out for these, deny them at every turn, and curtail those which exist by method of reinterpretation of oaths made toward liberative ends and renegotiation of relations.
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Sovereign - liberation-based ideological constructs always position the individual will at its greatest set of options, refer to changing circumstances, focus on some kind of destiny or ideal (e.g. true will, or the Great Work), and situate the empowered person with less security and responsibility that is chosen and optional, the cost of gating and lasting engagement. cleave to these as a characteristic of true Thelemic quality, use it as a barometric for the types of social relations (especially of the Third Order) that you keep, and emphasize these ideologies in all future conditionings, rituals, etc.
realize that 'Thelemic initiation' of the type you're describing tends to be ordeal-oriented, enduring and bearing with challenges that are brought on by orchestrated personal circumstances and will-bindings. there is quite a bit that you can do both socially and personally to deal with it and i'll go over what i can in the way of strategy.
first, the most important thing that you can do at this point, beyond considering the mental health issues that might be surfacing such that you should consult a doctor, see to any medications that you have neglected, etc. - dealing with the rudimentary health matters to establish a firm psycho-bodily foundation - you should be consulting with your initiator(s). tell them everything. inform them of what the violation was, how you understand this relates to the initiation in question, and what kinds of trials or retributions you are enduring. ask them if this is unusual or ordinary in their experience, and how they suggest that you ought to approach a resolution to the problem. observe their reactions with new eyes of the Sovereign individual. watch out for conscriptive characteristics and dualism that they may exhibit (it is unfortunately common in cults, both quasi-masonic and generally religious), and reconsider your choices of affiliation if you are disturbed by their manipulative or myopic interpretations of events.
second, consider to whom you took these oaths you willingly broke and attempt reparations. issue a formal apology to the leader(s) of the group that you wronged, or the body of which you are part for affiliation, and explain how you plan to make amends for your transgression. watch for their reaction and expect that those of a fraternal social structure will try to work with you rather than to extract pain and suffering from your transgression.
and most importantly, seriously consider why it may be that these violations were necessary for you. were you testing boundaries in a kind of childish acting out, or is it the case that you overstepped your bounds in agreeing to the limits you are finding difficult to maintain? should you reconsider your relationship to the order or religious group who asked these oaths of you? did they provide you with adequate warning before asking you to take these oaths, allowing you to consider them out of the heat of drama of initiatic ritual, or was their administration of these violating to you and worthy of breakage because they have not allowed you to contrast this with your true will and sincere desires?
it should be said that the health of Thelemic organizations and initiatic fraternities may be evaluated based on criteria taking the above into consideration: whether adequate reflection and time is provided for the initiate to understand and interpret ritual magic drama to his advantage, how extensive and invasive the oaths required/requested are which are administered, how much encouragement or leeway is provided to 'balk' or, at the time of rite, to refuse to take the oath and yet remain a part of the social framework and continue affiliation in good standing - all of these ought to be considered signs of the 'Thelemic soundness' of a group or initiatic line, the best simply linking to will and allying without oaths of secrecy, requirement, or harsh penalty.
the worldwide-web is a notoriously bad place to begin your search for information, and it is a testimony to the poor protocols of your body or order if you do not already have some kind of instruction on the matter. it is IMPERATIVE to remember that in orders like the (c)OTO the higher degrees are the most constrained and narrow of interpretation, and whether or not they establish policy, they are liable to issue for you the most Slavish of expressions. only in unusual circumstances where personal insight meets with social position will they be able to walk the line which is actually Thelemic in character. most of those who use the self-descriptor 'Thelemite' are enslaved, and the participative level in any social group will hamstring and cripple their wills, becoming what Crowley described as a Black Brother, a kind of esoteric black hole tying all of those around them with chains of guilt and repression to worthless pursuits.
you are ill-informed, or badly-affiliated, from what i can tell. these two things (expulsion, and 'not related to the order itself') are AT ODDS here. you have misunderstood something about the esoteric ideals with which you have become affiliated, or are under a misapprehension about that for which expulsion is a likely outcome. I suggest that you ABSOLUTELY RISK EXPULSION. if you are ill-fitted for the oaths in question, then no longer self-inflict this as a result of your previous errors. immediately resolve this socially and internally by communicating with your initiator(s) and determining your future course.
a complete revolution of mind may be not only necessary but an intended consequence of the ordeal(s) in question. remember that in esotericism there are several (initiated, disclosed by struggle) interpretations and understandings of the apparent, the symbolic, and the initiatic. these are typically gated or winnowed during admission. I find that healthy Thelemic initiatics allow for an unspoken wide array of options, and that their executors or administrators either turn a blind eye to what they themselves believe as a narrow interpretation (effectively sacrificing integrity for liberty) or come to understand that all of these components going into making for initiatic frameworks have the propensity to liberate or enslave, and emphasis on the latter for social security and power-bolstering effectively kills the life of the social group in which it is so emphasized.
if you are part of the (c)OTO, then i can inform you based on my own involvement that its officers interpret for operational purposes the oaths it administers as including oaths of secrecy. you would be well-advised to take care in your disclosures to any about rite contents if you seek to retain convivial relations thereto, making sure that those with whom you compare notes are of the same or an advanced grade. this is another reason that i suggested that you go straight to your initiators: you can be sure you are free to discuss all the details and need not hedge or blind the specifics from consideration. if worse comes to worse, get the degree of the person with whom you would LIKE to discuss the matter and then confirm with someone you can trust (such as an officer) that member's attested initiatic position (and if in person, test their grips and signs!).
good luck in navigating these rocky shoals,
There is no law beyond Do what thou wilt. There is an end of the word of the God enthroned in Ra's seat, lightening the girders of the soul.
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My first advice is, ignore what Nigris said. He'll really fuck you up on this one.
Let's break it down. "Willing violation or oath" seems to mean this:
- You committed your Will to X.
- You later committed your Will to an act at odds with, and inconsistent with, X.
Anything I'm going to say presumes these facts. I'm taking you seriously that you willingly violated it, and that you mean this in the way of "committing your Will" to the action. If that's not true, then my answer would be different, e.g., I would counel to regard it as inadvertence, a weakness, a slip, a failure - and address it quite differently. But I'm taking you at your word.
It isn't about cultishness. It isn't even (in most respects) about the Order. It's about the fact that you committed your Will in "Direction A" and then (it seems) in "Direction Opposite A."
Framing it thus, the mechanics are simple in theory: You created within yourself a conflict of Will. You are tied by your wrists to two elephants walking in opposite directions. You are in an isometric situation of two matched pulls in opposite directions. The vector math of this is simple: You go nowhere, while feeling like you should be going somewhere.
The above is the most useful part of what I'm going to write. Thinking about it the right way, framing the dynamics, gives you the map. I don't have a solution on what you do next. I probably will go on to write some "for instance" type of examples, but they're just brainstorming and are not meant to solve the problem for you. Ultimately, you have to resolve it.
I do agree, though, that mental reframing is important. For example, get rid of the guilt (which probably also has fear in it). Move on. Think of it as a mechanical problem of your psyche and soul, a karmic condition to be moved past. (And by "karma," I don't mean retribution or punishment. I mean that roping your wrists to two elephants walking in opposite directions has consequences and, my dear Indiana Jones, you have to figure out what to do about that.)
Some off the cuff ideas (and I'm not working very hard at these - they may all be worthless thoughts):
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Take the consequences. Your oath has built-in consequences. Accept them.
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If you think it is serious, consult with your superiors in the Order. This will result in certain consequences. It may be the consequences you fear, or it may be them saying "Don't worry about it," or any number of gradiants in between. If it is somewhat serious, and they are wise, they will work with you to help you sort out what you have to do to rebalance it.
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This, of course, may have nothing to do with the effect of it all on YOU. You have to restore your integrity on the matter. YOU have to figure out how to do this. "Coming clean" is usually (but not invariably) a step in this; but it's not about somebody else forgiving you. It's about you forgiving yourself, i.e., returning to a place of feeling authentically right about the thing. (This can come from all sorts of new mental positions, but they need to be authentic. That is, feeling self-righteous about it is probably bullshit overcompensation, though it may actually be that there is a higher moral platform that authentically you feel you served, and you can stand on that higher platform if you're willing to accept the actual consequences of your actions: consider Regardie and the Golden Dawn material. Or you may just decide that you're a dumb fuck and need to slap yourself silly. Or anything in between.)
I could go. Probably you could, too. I'm just trying to stir your reaction to things and get you thinking and feeling about it.
Two things to keep in mind: FIRST, it generally takes much more energy to fix something than to not break it in the first place. This is the real meaning of "penance." For example hurting someone's feelings requires a lot more regaining trust than not to have hurt their feelings in the first place. SECOND, think of how the formula of a real apology might apply to this: Specifically, unless you authentically, deeply decide that your oath-breaking actions were correct, you probably won't feel complete and whole on this matter unless you incorporate some assurance that you won't blithely do the same thing again in the future. What this means in practice is that you need to be at peace that you haven't long-term damaged your ability to keep your word, despite a single example of human failing.
Bottom line: You put yourself in a conflict-of-Will situation. Resolve it. Fix it. Move on in peace, having learned something.
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Thank you so much Jim. I will read carefully your indications and try to figure out a solution.
I would like to comment on this statement you made:
"If that's not true, then my answer would be different, e.g., I would counel to regard it as inadvertence, a weakness, a slip, a failure - and address it quite differently. But I'm taking you at your word."Probably my willing violation can be much better described as a weakness/slip. As a matter of fact this is what happened: I started a specific action bearing in mind my oath and being absolutely committed to preserve it. However, in the midst of this very action I was overwhelmed by human weakness. Thus, I did not find enough strenght in myself to stop what I was doing. In my post I described it as a "willing" violation because, while losing control over my actions, I knew I was not respecting my oath. But, considering your clarification, certainly it was not "willing" in the sense that i planned to do so. I didn´t plan any violation - on the contrary my plan was to preserve my oaths (I knew I was getting myself in a risky situation that would require strenght and concentration. When it happened, I simply ceded, and while losing control over my action I was very much aware I was acting against my oaths).
Normally I wouldn´t be too concerned about the issue, as I would classify it exactly as a natural weakness. What scared me and led me to seek advice is the fact that it is already the second time it happens.
Thanks
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@israfel_93 said
"Probably my willing violation can be much better described as a weakness/slip. [...] in the midst of this very action I was overwhelmed by human weakness. Thus, I did not find enough strenght in myself to stop what I was doing."
Not having the strength meant that something in you was stronger, at the moment, than your desire to stop.
So my advice would be: Find out what that is. Find out what the real MOTIVE was that rose up. It's something eral. (Even if it's bullshit, it's effect on you is real.) You had some NEED that was stronger than your reason and what level of conscious choice you had at the moment. So it's a real force in your psyche, a need, something that needs satisfaction and resolution.
Find it. You'll feel like a traitor (at least to yourself) until you do so. There is an "enemy spy" sneaking around in your camp. Find it and interrogate it.
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@Jim Eshelman said
"My first advice is, ignore what Nigris said. He'll really {****} you up on this one. ...."
did i? given how many of the things you wrote which were direct correlates to what i said, i'm confused. you said something about it being "not about cultishness". beyond this (might you elaborate?), could you explain how i erred in the above? I'd like to learn from this with greater depth of criticism. I'm not here to argue with you, just to understand your response. thank you kindly.