Magick WITH tears.
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@magictortoise said
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@Dar said
"Some women are bitches. "All women are angels!!!
"Some angels are bitches.
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@Jim Eshelman said
"
Some angels are bitches."Ehem... true too... but,
:little_angel:
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Brace yourselves, this may be long.
To make an attempt to get back on topic...
Elmida, I know what that fear feels like. I'm sorry to hear you're going through it.
We can talk in circles all day about "there's light at the end of the tunnel, I swear!" but it won't amount to much unless you jump and brace for the consequences. That doesn't mean "go get initiated right now," it just means that I think you should try to find a "next step" and just jump for it, even though you're afraid. It doesn't guarantee anything. But endlessly wondering and thinking about it is not likely to get you anywhere.
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Do. This means action. It doesn't mean "Sit around and debate about what to do next shall be the whole of the Law."
(Don't take that as chastisement or as an attack! I mean it to be motivating!
)Also, for what it's worth, you seem to understand English better than most Americans. Crowley can be difficult to understand for anyone, so don't feel bad about yourself if what he says just sails over your head. (His sense of humor in particular - he lived a century ago and I usually have no idea what the f*ck he is talking about when he cracks jokes.)
Perhaps try going out and getting some of the books recommended to you, and don't worry about perfectly understanding them. In fact, don't worry about remembering more than a few concepts per book. Like, "Okay, I just read Israel Regardie's A Garden of Pomegranates. What did that accomplish? Well, I know that the Tree of Life is a filing cabinet to classify my universe. That's all I really got out of that." That's fine! Just keep re-reading it every once in awhile and see if you can get anything else to make sense.
Just keep reading as much as you can and your mind will start making connections on its own. You will not suddenly grasp Thelema from reading a single book in a week or two - it comes very slowly. It's the kind of thing that creeps up on you over time.
It's the kind of thing that is learned by doing it, and doing it is done in baby steps at first. (By "at first" I mean what could be a long time in the beginning. Could be many months, or years.)
I know what you mean about rituals appearing silly. In fact, that mindset is pretty healthy. Try thinking of them as though you're acting out a play. Do you have any plays or songs that you can really get into, emotionally? Maybe a movie or two that really moves you? Try thinking about rituals as though they are art, and you are taking on a role and playing it out for the effect it has on you in the moment.
The more you can think of it as a drama, the better an effect it will have. In fact, just try approaching standardized rituals (like the banishing ritual) like this: "ok, this is a silly drama that I am going to perform, but it will have a certain effect on my subconsciousness and that is what I am trying to accomplish."
And of course record all the rituals you perform and stuff that you think happened as a result, so that you can look back over it later.
And ultimately, you will never really know what performing a ritual is like until you do it. I refuse to watch any videos of rituals because they cannot possibly do those rituals justice. If I am not there to feel the dramatic energy of a ritual, it's worthless to me except perhaps as a visual outline of when I am supposed to do this or that.
Try telling yourself that you are performing this ridiculous nonsense for the sake of your Holy Guardian Angel. And it will probably continue to seem like ridiculous nonsense for awhile.
@Elmida said
"One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
[...]
I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite."
First of all, Thelemites are an extremely diverse group. If a Thelemite really called you an idiot and told you to leave, would that alone make you stop pursuing Thelema? Stick to your plans!
Secondly, ritual Magick is not much different from everyday life. Every intentional act is a Magical act. I mean that literally. Anything that you do that creates change in conformity with Will is a Magical act. (I challenge you to come up with things that aren't Magical acts!) As Crowley says, this includes banking, blowing your nose, etc. Ritual Magick is just a deliberate attempt to create change on a psychological level, or higher. It's not something that is understood by reading a few dozen books on it - it's something that is understood by devoting one's life to understanding, and doing it repeatedly over years and years.
Baby steps are okay. Don't hold yourself to such a high standard.
By the way, what's wrong with being silly?
@Elmida said
"So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. "
I know precisely what you mean. Try exploring that feeling, try to understand it. Keep trying to explore those things that repulse you, because they are likely the keys to your problems.
By the way, if you have a Facebook or something like that, feel to PM me if you want. I humbly offer my services as a friend and fellow aspirant. I know being in contact with other Thelemites was really important to me awhile ago (read as: last year), and I just want to extend the offer to keep in touch off of the forum.
93, 93/93.
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@Elmida said
" I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend.
"OK so don't read it for a while. Get * The Law Is For All* perhaps.
@Elmida said
" I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly.
"I too might feel ashamed. A lot of stuff can be silly. Nobody's forcing you to do this on Youtube or in front of people.
@Elmida said
" every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
"So then stop at the level you feel comfortable with. You don't need to accept everything at once, or ever. Doesn't Crowley say to question his teachings in Book 4? Nobody's forcing you to swallow everything, and nobody will be blaming you if you never "buy into" all of it.
@Elmida said
" been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to.
If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
"The OTO is an organization. Do you have to go to church to be Christian? No. You don't need to belong to OTO to practice magick or Thelema. If you get freaked out by OTO then don't go. I know various folks into thelema which have no OTO affiliation.
@Elmida said
" sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
"good luck getting your inner conflict sorted out soon. I suppose I'd sum up my advice by saying "give it a shot." But I think everyone agrees there are different legitimate paths out there and you may need to keep looking. And if you don't totally click with Thelema, perhaps explore ritual magick anyway. Or yoga. there's lot's of stuff to learn about.
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I was dreaming about grandfathers the other day, I never knew mine. I think of AC as my grandfather in many ways. I think that's is why for me, how I perceive Thelema and practice it in my life is so different from most of the other people I encounter.
I first encountered the Law as a preteen, but their was no way I could work with that depth. AC the golden dawn, dion fortune, HPB, are very very deep. So I started getting to know myself, and getting to know what I wanted out of life with what I could call baby steps.
AC is the undisputed father IMHO, of the entire American market of new age propaganda.....all of it, in some way or another he helped push out of the shadows, and we are the benificficaries of that. I used these tools to get to know myself, and my bretheren.I had a lot of fun learning about myself, what I like, what I don't, how I think, what makes me feel, I took a lot of tests, online to see what type of this or that I was, and where my nature lay
I see absolutely no issue with people who do not work with magick at all, but who are able to manifest the Law in their lives. I do not practice anything, at all right now.....except that each and every seemingly mundane action I take I do so mindfully, thankfully and with love.
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@Elmida said
"even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way"
Can't speak for anyone else, but regular practise of the LBRP and Middle Pillar led to an awakening of instincts and tapping into my evolutionary drive. That eventually led to working out at the gym more, recovery of health, getting turned on to the Paleo Diet and losing weight.
Little scientific sidenote: the sex hormones (estrogen/testosterone) are responsible for inhibiting lipoprotein lipase, which is responsible for fat production. When people become obese, they become lethargic and libido drops - not only because they feel unattractive, but because these are side effects of fat production, which is regulated by genes. The solution is to eat foods that boost the sex hormones (or, even better, get off carbs and sugars completely).
If you ever run across a magician who is a little rotund, chances are, he's losing testosterone via sperm loss
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I dunno, at least for myself, I've been quite chubby and quite thin, masturbated compulsively and abstained, and I've observed no correlation between the frequency of masturbation and body weight.
I have, however, observed a very direct correlation between diet/exercise and body weight.
If every time you see a chubby person you want to picture them masturbating, don't let me stop you. However, the science of the matter is that while ejaculating causes subtle short-term drop in testosterone, sexual activity causes long-term increases in testosterone production.
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Well, I qualified that observation with "chances are" because it is not an absolute formula. Fat production is determined by each person's respective genetic makeup and every case will vary. Moreover, as noted earlier, if obesity causes lethargy and drop in libido, the image of a fat person masturbating furiously would seem contradictory, no? What is incontrovertible is that sex hormones inhibit lipoprotein lipase that, in turn, are responsible for fat production and distribution of fat around the body that, in turn, are determined by genetics.
But the levels of sex hormones are merely one part of a much larger picture â namely paying attention to diet â when it comes to obesity. I worked out 3x a week at the gym, trying to get lean, but only put on weight rapidly. The reason is because I ate like a horse, without paying attention to WHAT I consumed, after a workout. As soon as I started paying attention to, and changing, my diet, I rapidly lost weight within 3 weeks. More important than the vanity factor, eliminating all carbs and sugars from my diet led to a lucidity and clear-headedness and feeling of being energized that I haven't felt in years.
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93,
Alright, I took a comfy seat to read all of this stuff and it's helped a lot. It made me both laugh out loud and sniffle a little, which is good I suppose.
I suppose the most important thing I learnt from your messages is that it comes with baby steps and that it takes time. With the whole peer pressure thing of having to perform and show results, I think I was taking this too quick. Part of me probably expected me to read the Book of Law, fully understand it in one go and be a full time proper Thelemite. Which, of course, will never work. A friend of mine has been a Christian for 10 years now and still doesn't fully understand the Bible. Actually, I think I'm doing it wrong here again: why am I once again comparing myself to someone else? This is personal. It's about my emotions and spiritual progress and it'll come when it comes. And it'll only come when I work toward it.
Believe me when I say that the "sitting there and panic about it" is my usual (mostly unknowingly) approach on all things, whether it's cleaning up my room, paying the bills or passing a school exam. I do know that's not how things work but I sometimes just need a little prod to get back on my feet again. Your wise words of 'do what you can as much as you can and progress as much as you can' did give me heaps of motivation to get to it again.
I do still read the Book of Law every week (found it online) and do discover more and more in it the more often I read it. Only now do I realize that that's how it works. It's very hard to find the other books online and The Law Is For All isn't even published here in the Netherlands anymore. I did find a copy of it on thebookstoredepository and the good news is that they accept PayPal. So I do want to give that one a try now. Then maybe when I understand that one better, I'll move on to the next.
I've also decided that I'm going to wait with contacting the OTO until I'm ready. I've had the whole approach wrong up 'till now and I need to get my own mind straight before I contact them. Despite not being very young (I'm 22) I still live with my parents because I can't afford a place of my own yet. Until I'm more independent, I'm keeping this to myself.
Also, I love your approach on Magick and rituals, Ash. My biggest hobby (and hopefully, in the future, job) is writing fiction and novels and when I write, I see it in front of me. It actually happens inside my head. When my character is sad, I feel sad. Same when she's happy. Eventually my characters become part of me. That could work VERY well with accepting rituals.
Now, for Yoga, which approach do you recommend? I have this silly (again with the silly) application on DS (yes, the handheld console) that let's me choose short programms for specific things like 'get rid of your fears' or 'get your desires under control'. It has immensely handy instruction videos. Could I keep using that or is there a specific way I need to do it?
About my obesity: I love cookies and I dislike walking. There you have it.
One last thing: men ARE bastards. Just when I thought I fully embraced my lesbianism, I come across the most charming and handsome guy ever at the jewelry store and he completely messed up my mind. Phwoar, did he give me weak knees. The jerk.
Actually one MORE last thing: I love you guys, you're real lifesavers.
93, 93/93
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@Elmida said
"It's very hard to find the other books online"
Check out the recommended links on this site. The "Libri of Aleister Crowley" is Wonderful if you're looking for resources and books! The parent site itself is great as well. "8 lectures on Yoga", by Crowley accessible on that site, is a favorite for the theory and down to earth (and very humorous) explanation of the "why".
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But that was an apple, which my diet does allow. CONFUSING.
I did real, proper yoga this morning and last night and now I just DID it without having odd expectations or too many mental distractions, it went great. I could smell the fresh paint (mum did the hallways) and the flowers so much more and I could actually feel the fabrics of my clothings on my skin. It was really odd, but definitely NOT bad.
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Sounds good! Those are cool phenomena that pop up notably during early meditation/Yoga exercises. Just keep at it and record everything that you experience - getting more familiar with any given exercise will allow you to figure out what things are important to write down and what things aren't. That record - your Magical Diary - is super-duper important.
93, 93/93.
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@Elmida said
"
Now, for Yoga, which approach do you recommend? I have this silly (again with the silly) application on DS (yes, the handheld console) that let's me choose short programms for specific things like 'get rid of your fears' or 'get your desires under control'. It has immensely handy instruction videos. Could I keep using that or is there a specific way I need to do it?"One thing I wish i knew was that there is merit in just sitting in a chair, or on a cushion with your legs crossed. It's pretty damn basic. IMHO unless you want hatha yoga as part of a fitness regime, throw all the yoga pose books out and just pick an easy one. i.e. sitting with crossed legs or on a chair.
A good guide to yoga, which basically rehashes Crowley and includes some yoga exercise stuff is the Weiser Guide to Yoga for Magick. Very cheap little book. ( Crowley has his own 8 lectures. and other writings but they're very brainy). honestly I would keep it simple. I get excited by pictures and images and so forth in elaborate yoga books, but at the end of the day you want to clear your mind.
I'm constantly shocked that yoga meditation, which has such a great simple message of trying to shut OFF one's mind, is constantly distorted by pop culture into "people just sitting there thinking about XYZ."
Also, yoga is much more accepted in society than magick. So it's easy to just meditate and most people will sort of respect that.
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93,
I'm not sure how to read your reply. Are you saying that sitting in your chair and meditating is the BETTER way of doing yoga because it turns your mind inwards? Or was that slightly sarcastic? (Hard to pick up in text)
Also not sure about the tone in your last sentence.
93, 93/93
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I think he's implying that sitting in a chair and meditating is basically the core of what Crowley taught as far as Yoga - it's Raja Yoga, Union by Will. What mainstream society understands as "Yoga" isn't really what Crowley was talking about. What he was talking about is closer to what we would call "meditation."
I personally do recommend reading Crowley's "8 Lectures on Yoga," because, although they can be kind of unclear at times and they're not exactly a step-by-step instruction manual, they are good at conveying the essence of his teachings about Yoga and about the intended hierarchy of practices. (This is intended to lead to this, and this is intended to lead to that, etc.)
(Also his humor is rather comprehensible in that series of lectures for whatever reason - it's like he finally perceived that not all of his readership would be able to follow his jokes and he simplified them and made them a bit more obvious.)
I would personally agree that sitting in a chair and meditating is the "better" way of doing Yoga, if the goal is spiritual attainment. If the goal is something else, then maybe not. Nothing wrong with so-called Hatha Yoga (or what the mainstream understands as Yoga), but it's not intended to get one to any particular attainment, and is rarely what Crowley is talking about when he says "Yoga."
(These views come from the East, by the way; what we got in the West is a rather watered-down McDonald's version of what was taught in the East.)
93, 93/93.
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93,
Pff, thanks, it's a bit of a relief to know that I don't have to be worried about not being able to fold my leg behind my head or something. I did find the poses in which you sort of stretch out and meditate (such as the Antenna Pose and Extended Child Pose) working a lot better than all those complicated muscle-ruining things. Meditation works great for me.
93, 93/93
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@Elmida said
"93,
Also not sure about the tone in your last sentence.
93, 93/93"
You said you're concerned about your parents or whoever being upset about you doing "magick." Well, I was saying yoga is a lot more acceptable. It's pretty innocuous to find someone sitting in a chair.