Magick WITH tears.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
But that was an apple, which my diet does allow. CONFUSING.
I did real, proper yoga this morning and last night and now I just DID it without having odd expectations or too many mental distractions, it went great. I could smell the fresh paint (mum did the hallways) and the flowers so much more and I could actually feel the fabrics of my clothings on my skin. It was really odd, but definitely NOT bad.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
Sounds good! Those are cool phenomena that pop up notably during early meditation/Yoga exercises. Just keep at it and record everything that you experience - getting more familiar with any given exercise will allow you to figure out what things are important to write down and what things aren't. That record - your Magical Diary - is super-duper important.
93, 93/93.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
@Elmida said
"
Now, for Yoga, which approach do you recommend? I have this silly (again with the silly) application on DS (yes, the handheld console) that let's me choose short programms for specific things like 'get rid of your fears' or 'get your desires under control'. It has immensely handy instruction videos. Could I keep using that or is there a specific way I need to do it?"One thing I wish i knew was that there is merit in just sitting in a chair, or on a cushion with your legs crossed. It's pretty damn basic. IMHO unless you want hatha yoga as part of a fitness regime, throw all the yoga pose books out and just pick an easy one. i.e. sitting with crossed legs or on a chair.
A good guide to yoga, which basically rehashes Crowley and includes some yoga exercise stuff is the Weiser Guide to Yoga for Magick. Very cheap little book. ( Crowley has his own 8 lectures. and other writings but they're very brainy). honestly I would keep it simple. I get excited by pictures and images and so forth in elaborate yoga books, but at the end of the day you want to clear your mind.
I'm constantly shocked that yoga meditation, which has such a great simple message of trying to shut OFF one's mind, is constantly distorted by pop culture into "people just sitting there thinking about XYZ."
Also, yoga is much more accepted in society than magick. So it's easy to just meditate and most people will sort of respect that.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
93,
I'm not sure how to read your reply. Are you saying that sitting in your chair and meditating is the BETTER way of doing yoga because it turns your mind inwards? Or was that slightly sarcastic? (Hard to pick up in text)
Also not sure about the tone in your last sentence.
93, 93/93
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
I think he's implying that sitting in a chair and meditating is basically the core of what Crowley taught as far as Yoga - it's Raja Yoga, Union by Will. What mainstream society understands as "Yoga" isn't really what Crowley was talking about. What he was talking about is closer to what we would call "meditation."
I personally do recommend reading Crowley's "8 Lectures on Yoga," because, although they can be kind of unclear at times and they're not exactly a step-by-step instruction manual, they are good at conveying the essence of his teachings about Yoga and about the intended hierarchy of practices. (This is intended to lead to this, and this is intended to lead to that, etc.)
(Also his humor is rather comprehensible in that series of lectures for whatever reason - it's like he finally perceived that not all of his readership would be able to follow his jokes and he simplified them and made them a bit more obvious.)
I would personally agree that sitting in a chair and meditating is the "better" way of doing Yoga, if the goal is spiritual attainment. If the goal is something else, then maybe not. Nothing wrong with so-called Hatha Yoga (or what the mainstream understands as Yoga), but it's not intended to get one to any particular attainment, and is rarely what Crowley is talking about when he says "Yoga."
(These views come from the East, by the way; what we got in the West is a rather watered-down McDonald's version of what was taught in the East.)
93, 93/93.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
93,
Pff, thanks, it's a bit of a relief to know that I don't have to be worried about not being able to fold my leg behind my head or something. I did find the poses in which you sort of stretch out and meditate (such as the Antenna Pose and Extended Child Pose) working a lot better than all those complicated muscle-ruining things. Meditation works great for me.
93, 93/93
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
@Elmida said
"93,
Also not sure about the tone in your last sentence.
93, 93/93"
You said you're concerned about your parents or whoever being upset about you doing "magick." Well, I was saying yoga is a lot more acceptable. It's pretty innocuous to find someone sitting in a chair.
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
@Escarabaj said
"
@Elmida said
"93,Also not sure about the tone in your last sentence.
93, 93/93"
You said you're concerned about your parents or whoever being upset about you doing "magick." Well, I was saying yoga is a lot more acceptable. It's pretty innocuous to find someone sitting in a chair."
Very true, yes. I've been doing yoga and meditation for a while and nobody has ever made a remark on that.
And no, Vlad, I can't! There's quite a lot of fat in the way, heh.
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
Double post, but still, little update: I've found a Thelemite in the Netherlands that can also offer me great help. It helps a lot to be able to communicate with something about these things in my own language. He was able to tell me that he's only met two or three other Thelemites and that they too had little contact with others.
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
@Elmida said
"Double post, but still, little update: I've found a Thelemite in the Netherlands that can also offer me great help. It helps a lot to be able to communicate with something about these things in my own language. He was able to tell me that he's only met two or three other Thelemites and that they too had little contact with others."
This developement has got me thinking.. Since you've made this contact, has that feeling of outsided-ness and intimidation diminished some? If so, maybe what I was confusing is that it's not so much an 'understanding' that has to be obtained, but rather a sense of belonging/fellowship to help rid that initial anxiety.
Just a thought.
-ANEA
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
I suppose it's also a part of it, but what the guy basically told me that there isn't really a Thelemic society in the Netherlands at all. It's kind of hard to feel like I'm part of something that isn't actually there. To be honest I feel more connected to you guys than to any Thelemite here, because I'm actually talking to you.
But yet, the thought that I'm not alone and that there are others who get what I get is a big help. And speaking to them in your native tongue is an even bigger help. I never knew how to phrace "Do what you Wilt shall be the whole of the Law" in Dutch, but now I do and that feels much better. It's more 'understanding' than 'belonging', but maybe that's also because I've finally managed to drop the thought that I HAD to join the A.'.A.'. or OTO. You can't join what's not there, and I've managed to realize that I can do it on my own too.
I hope that answers your question.
-
93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
Rather interesting thread.
"I dunno, at least for myself, I've been quite chubby and quite thin, masturbated compulsively and abstained, and I've observed no correlation between the frequency of masturbation and body weight."
Likewise.
"I have, however, observed a very direct correlation between diet/exercise and body weight."
Likewise.
To the originator of this thread: it sounds to me like Magick and the literature of Thelema aren't for you. Thelema differs from Christianity in the sense that there aren't hordes of Thelemites scouring the streets, systematically bothering humanity in the hopes of converting a few ignorant souls. It is your task to find a way. The first step is understanding the basis of your True Will, which is somewhat akin to saying "your destiny." In this case, your True Will would be to lose weight, learn to study rather than read, and overcome what appears to be a rather massive inferiority complex. I'm not saying this to be mean, but "many are the called, but few are the chosen," if you catch my drift. Magick isn't for everybody, and while there are many who will be more than happy to offer you advice and encouragement, in the end it is up to you to free yourself from the delusions and conditioning of your environment.
"One last thing: men ARE bastards."
I would like to sincerely thank you for contributing to the misunderstanding and ill-will that exists between the sexes. We men are all ignorant prigs, whose sole aim is to thrust our seed into unsuspecting virgins, leaving them to raise the child while we continue with our sexual conquests.
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93,
A while back I already posted that I have a lot of trouble with getting proper (mostly understandable) information on Thelema. I got lovely replies of people that recommended me to read this and that and supported me to go on no matter what. You also have me info on how to find a Dutch OTO. It's at least half a year further now and my love for Thelema has grown, but so has my confusion. I know that starting with the actual Book of Law isn't a very good idea because it's hard to understand for beginners but even when I read 'simpler' text that explain aspects of it, it dazzles me and I just cannot comprehend. I haven't purchased any of the recommended books because I'm afraid I won't understand them anyway. One of the causes is my lack of skill in very advanced English, but the biggest, probably, is that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND MAGICK AND RITUALS.
I carry with me a history of semi-believing. I was never a non-believer because there are too many things not even science can explain but I was never a follower of any religion. (Well, according to my birth registry I'm a Roman Catholic but that's only because my parents shoved me in a bowl of water to get baptized when I wasn't even able to distinguish my big toe from a lollipop, I never went to church and did not read the Bible.) I didn't understand people going to church or people praying, I didn't understand why they went to church to get 'blessing', I simply didn't understand how they would do such things because I had attempted praying myself so many times and NEVER felt anything. And I still don't.
I've attempted to do Yoga many times, even though it's hard in my physical condition to do so properly (I'm obese, working hard on getting it fixed by getting more exercise and a healthy diet) and it has worked for me, in a way. It relaxes me, but that's all it does. Whenever the exercises tell me to 'turn my awareness inside', I don't feel anything. I don't know where to turn my mind to, I don't know how to let go of the world around me. I'm too much with both my feet on solid ground to meditate. And that part of me also refuses to think of doing anything magick or ritual related. I've watched YouTube images of people performing the Gnostic Mass or other rituals and I can't help but feel distanced. I almost feel ashamed, even, because to me it seems so silly. My down-to-earthness refuses to believe that any of those things would make a change in me. But I WANT to because I feel I NEED it so, so much.
So every time I read a Thelemic text or I try to look up information and I come across magick, the Tree of Life, names like Babalon and Nuit, part of me closes off everything. And yet, the Liber Oz and Duty, the whole thought of Thelema feel so RIGHT. I DO believe in True Will, I DO believe in Liber Oz, I DO believe in the Holy Guardian Angel, but I CANNOT get myself to do rituals and suchlike.
I've been recommended to contact the OTO asap, but I simply don't dare to. I'm afraid that I'll never get the true essence of it because I find chanting and banishing pentagrams too silly to do. I'm afraid they'll find me an idiot and tell me to leave, to abandon ever becoming a Thelemite. And I lie awake at night, crying, because I'm afraid. It also doesn't help that I've only told a few of my closest friends about my thoughts on Thelema and they're calling it a 'stupid stoner-cult that's going to run off with your money'. I haven't even dared tell my parents because, to be honest, they aren't the most broad-minded people on the block. If I don't even dare do that, how am I ever going to contact the OTO?
I'm sorry about the chaos that is this post, but believe me, my mind is even worse.
Where to start? And like I said, I would love to read all the written works, but right now it sounds too much like gibberish to me
93/93
Elmida,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean for my last post to come across as a question so much as a thought I was just putting out there. However, your feed back was enlightening. Thank you.
Mephisto,
@Mephis said
"It is your task to find a way."
It appears that Elmida has already came to this conclusion:
@Elmida said
"I've managed to realize that I can do it on my own too."
Also, having troubles making an initial connection to material that you are completely unfamiliar with doesn't necessarily mean that it "isn't for you." It just means you have a hell of a lot more studying to do. People like Elmida and myself were simply looking for a solution to our feeling of outsided-ness and lack of connection (undersanding). Ash confirmed what I had already suspected earlier in the this thread, and that's that understanding is something that slowly "creeps" it's way to you. We just have to be patient and push forward diligently. Obviously there's still a drive there to continue studying despite our discouraging circumstance.
-ANEA
Try thinking about it this way - maybe someday you guys can be the ones that newbie Thelemites go to, so that they can remark to you,"wow, I thought I was the only Thelemite in the Netherlands!"