Making contact
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I was originally going to post this in a HGA-themed thread, but I felt it was too much of a change of topic and so I'm just starting an all-new topic here.
About a week or so ago, I had an "involuntary" meditational experience I'd like to share. In short, I was feeling rather tired, and ended up laying down to nap, which is something I almost never do; I'm still not really sure why I even chose to nap in the first place. Anyway, I was feeling rather dissociated that whole day, and I just decided to let it all go. I just let my thoughts go and my grip on everything go. I have read that the HGA is a distinct, objective individual, and of course, being objective, it is separate from your thoughts about it, which are contradictory by nature, blah blah blah, etc. I decided I wanted to test this and see what happened.
I let myself drift into as silent (mentally) a state as possible and just kinda existed in that state for a short time. It was as if I was wandering blindly in a dark cellar (metaphorically speaking), and suddenly walked into a giant wall. A giant, living, self-existent wall. I went HOLY SHIT! and thought that this must be the HGA. (The feeling of "...! oh shit!" upon realizing "i'm alone but not alone" is unmistakable, both completely unforeseen and totally expected... somehow.) It's very, very difficult to describe, but I really feel like I knew it immediately - it felt completely familiar, like something that had been there the whole time, and yet something I had been searching for for years.
Lots of things clicked in my head, conceptually. I wrapped my head around the idea of the HGA being objective yet internal, and understood (at a basic level) the connection between within and above. Lots of personal things also made sense at that moment.
I asked it to prove itself to me, and it did via small, arguably "insignificant" tests involving: 1. stuff going on in my room at the time - time-based predictions that came true down to the minute; and 2. stuff i had been worrying about incessantly for quite some time; all of this was absolutely true to such a degree that i only understood after the answers that i got to my questions. granted, i know i said the tests were "insignificant," but this is on an "objective" scale, where I wouldn't expect other people to consider them particularly interesting in light of, say, the proofs AC received... but they were certainly significant to me at the time, and now.
My life since then has been changing... I think it's safe to use the word "dramatically." I see my own personality and ego in a light I never knew existed.
In short, my whole life (of 20 years) basically just came almost completely together within the past month or two and everything makes much, much more sense than I ever would have expected, and I really do feel a (very sketchy) connection with what I presume to be the HGA - I can't think of any other description of it that would make any sense.Ok, now for the questions:
(Jim, your thoughts in particular would be greatly appreciated, even if you think I'm totally making a mountain out of a molehill, although I don't think I am.)-
Would you say it's unreasonable/unlikely for me to believe that I found/was presented with/was guided to some kind of connection with my HGA, however indirect and winding, even though I'm not even at a student level yet? (as far as the A.'.A.'. would be concerned at least). Granted, I've been searching for what I realize to be this for years...
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I feel like what's happening to me makes too much sense not to be related to the HGA, but every time I think about it I feel like I must just be arrogant or something - I mean, what are the odds I'd have any kind of conscious interaction with the HGA at such an early point in the path? Honestly, I'm afraid of realizing "fuck. I'm young and stupid and full of myself. I shouldn't have expected it to be that 'easy'."
I do have faith in myself and have a general idea of where I come from (in a broad sense), but I feel like I should be laughing at myself for even thinking along these lines. -
This seems somehow significant, and simultaneously not something I'm specifically supposed to keep to myself. A day or two later I attempted to meditate the same way, and came face to face with the same result after a time, and I'm pretty sure I "felt" the HGA/entity say/assert "I am." The feeling was of silence "pushing" itself toward me with some kind of force, and that force was translated with those words; A terrible description, but it felt a lot simpler than I'm making it sound. The HGA/entity simply "was" "I am" all of a sudden and I experienced/was present for/became it (it being the message, not the HGA). I likened it immediately to the god of the Bible who asserted the same thing, and the fact that the HGA is addressed Adonai, etc. I don't know if this is my interpretation of it, me imagining it, or actual communication. Does this sound fishy to anyone?
FWIW I was raised Christian.
Thank you in advance to anyone and everyone who gives their honest thoughts.
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I only have time for a short answer now, but wanted to say: This has the ring of authenticity. Without my leaping to judgment at what it was or wasn't, it was a significant something - at least touching a significant block of content in your unconscious, and perhaps something more. You would certainly be justified in accepting its authenticity (perhaps without necessarily labelling it... or perhaps not!
)Tell ya what: If you're willing to provide the day, month, year, time, and location both of your birth and of this event, we can do a little looking at your horoscope to see what clicked into place.
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Unfortunately, I don't have the EXACT time the contact happened - firstly, it was in a "timeless" kind of space, and secondly, I just really suck with recording "hard" specifics like that, and there is no time given in my journal - I didn't start recording times until several days later. I estimated it, though, based on my school schedule and a text I sent to a very close friend telling him what happened in broad terms.
Birth: December 20th, 1989, at 10:20 pm (born via caesarian section, if that matters.)
Coordinates:
Latitude: 40.983589 [40 degrees, 59 minutes, .9204 sec]
Longitude: -74.100474 [-74 deg, 6 mins, 1.7064 sec]
Hooray for google
Contact:
April 8, 2010... I literally just realized that this communication happened on the first of the Holy Days. The time has to be between 4:30 pm and 6:00 pm based on my school schedule... I would be surprised, though, if the actual contact as an event happened any earlier than 5:15 or 5:30 or so. My text sent to my friend was received by him at 6:13 pm, and I'm sure I sent it at least half an hour after I came out of the meditative state.
Location:
Latitude: 40.914571 [40 deg, 54 mins, 52.4556 sec]
Longitude: -74.105373 [-74 deg, 6 mins, 19.3428 sec]I hope this is the right kind of information, I've never been involved in a serious astrological endeavor before.
Thank you for offering your services tooFinally, I'm not sure if this will prove relevant or not (or if you decide to touch on it or not), but I feel I should mention another thing from my journal:
I wrote that I "came upon the Abyss in my meditation." I'm fairly sure this happened before the actual contact was made, and I have my doubts that I literally came anywhere near "the Abyss" as a concept that an Exempt Adept would be involved with, but I at least came across something conceptually like it. I felt a "gentle restraint" on me, preventing me from interacting with it. No specifics on who or what restrained me, but it felt feminine and also distinct from "myself" and the entity I believe to be the HGA. I don't remember anything else notable happening involving this feminine force. I am pretty familiar with dissociation and "ego death" from a practical standpoint in general, FWIW. -
"An abyss" (as opposed to "The Abyss") can often be symbol of the unconcious - the depths of which we plumb to find its treasures. It makes a lot of sense to me to see chasms, voids, or even deep lakes, before an experience like yours.
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That's a really cool interpretation, actually. I'll keep that in mind for future reference.
Also of possible interest:
Going through my journal, in June of last year, I recorded having a partial out-of-body-experience and the meditative/introspective events that happened prior to it, which involved me "speaking with my superconscious," something I kinda developed a sense of but never thought to possibly associate with the HGA until I read the entry a day or two ago.
A specific line out of the journal entry:
"i felt my superconscious as a very distinct entity, it felt separate from me, but i knew it was still me."
I'm shocked now that I wasn't shocked at that at the time. It felt so natural that I didn't even think to think of it as anything particularly interesting - I was much more interested in the experience of interacting with "my superconscious" and the information I received than the fact that it felt distinct from me, which is what completely "got" me in my contact recently!
I'm not sure if this is the same entity I came face-to-face with recently, but, based on memory alone, I believe it is.
Also of note is that I only very recently (read as: past few months) started looking into Thelema as a distinct path, although I had been gradually incorporating what I understood from Wikipedia and similar sources into my life for probably over a year now, and my phraseology in my journal does reflect that. This entry, though, definitely gives me faith (in the casual sense of the word) in the concept of "natural attainment" in general.Finally, worth noting is that, although things certainly "clicked into place" in that experience last June (and similar, less notable experiences), nothing was as profound as what I explained in my original post, nor did I ever request proof from whatever I interacted with until that recent event.
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Ash, just to be on the safe side, you might want to go back and edit out the personal details. Name, address and birth data can be all that is needed for someone to work some serious mischief.
In the future a PM might be the way to go with that sort of thing.
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Thank you for your thoughts; I never thought to associate this experience with a path before, though I can't give an excuse why
As for "to hell with this!" feelings: I experienced them VERY slightly VERY recently, which is at least a month after this experience occurred; I intend to attempt affiliation with the A.'.A.'. at some point in the future, and I began questioning this - "how far do I actually want to go? is it my Will to attempt adepthood in this incarnation? Do I fully agree with what I see here?" etc. I'm coming out of it rather well.As for feelings of depression, etc. I've always had these, and I am finally in a period of my life where I can really fight them and make progress (which I have been doing), because I am really beginning to see the roots of most of the negative feelings and impulses in me (i.e. I am pretty convinced that they aren't strictly "chemical" in origin, and that they have more to do with Nephesch than chemical imbalances).
Regarding the Vision of Adonai: I doubt this was it, half out of humility (I'm not formally initiated yet, and am still a ways away from it), and half out of actual quality of the experience. IIRC, Jim discussed it in another thread, and said that it tends to be audial rather than visual, and it was discussed back and forth for awhile, and I came to the conclusion that my experience, if not "lower down the tree" than the VOA, is at least different from it.
As for dryness: I haven't experienced any noticeable dryness since this occurrence; in fact, my performance of the LBRP (the only ritual I perform right now) has been getting more and more solid, not more "dry."
To me, the experience was a lot more than a "slight nudge," it was probably closer to a direct, intuitive confirmation of everything I had managed to accomplish over the course of my life thus far, and the realization that I can continue much, much further down this path.
At the conclusion of your notes, you mention that your experiences seemed like an "initiation" that you didn't feel you passed. This sounds very familiar to me, and I'll try to explain why in a separate post, because this is getting a little long to keep changing topics in.
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I have had intermittent contact (usually via some 3rd go-between aspect of my personality) with what I believe is my HGA since the experience I discussed in my original post. The relationship has been slowly "deepening" as I walked/have been led down a specific path that I saw myself approaching for several years prior to this one. Basically, I am mentally going backwards through my whole life prior to this experience, like I have been pushing into the rubber band in a sling shot for the past few years, then hitting a period of stagnation, and then being shot backward in the direction I came from. I had a secondary experience a while after the first (several days later, I believe) in which I experienced a weird vision of something like this, where I saw and felt myself passing "through" a membrane in a dull bronze/gold/tan/flesh triangle, although I did not pierce the membrane and was shot backward from it, though not with much force. I didn't make this connection until recently.
My connection with what I am guessing is my Neschamah has been deepening as the ego has gotten further out of the way, thought with much difficulty. I have had several minor "crises" (ordeals?) since then, one leaving me in an essentially ego-less state, collapsed on my friend's bed, as I conquered and cast off a major and specific part of my ego. I'll probably post another topic about that experience later, when I have my notes in front of me to refer to.
This type of trial-then-triumph progression has been happening for the past month; it seems to be my approach to growing up in general and is not new in and of itself, but the actual trials are much more comprehensible to me and the triumphs are much more real than ever before.
Anyway, skip ahead a few weeks: in a period of afterglow following an orgasm (no ritual involved - just energy release
), I "was presented" with the opportunity to consciously commit to following my Will, which I obviously don't consciously know yet, but I feel the difference between walking the path and not walking the path. I interacted with this mediating aspect of my personality - I felt the HGA's presence "further away," as though I was not in a mental state in which I would be able to directly connect with Him. I was told that I didn't have to commit now, but that the HGA would not be holding my hand anymore and I was essentially on my own until I committed - it boils down to "ok kiddo, grace period is coming to an end, time for the actual work to begin." I didn't commit then but it was understood that I would eventually anyway.I guess I'm posting this as some kind of "follow up" to my initial experience, for any who are interested in where that experience happened to lead.
Conclusion: in the past month I have become exponentially more comfortable with myself and capable to handle my life while working through specific problems that have been an issue with me, some of them dating back to early childhood and being so deep that I never thought I would address them in this life.