Help This Lost Lost Soul
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Initiation, it's all i want.
i don't care for this life. i care for learning what i can to help the best that i can.
i can not find any form of support to help me get closer to being part of the Thelema, ever day is a struggle to find where i can call home.
i want to start my own job and blah blah blah be an adult so it can get me closer to learning more of Thelema but i feel like time is too precious to waste putting thelema behind my comfort level.
at this point i feel like attempting to hitch hike all the way to california from minnesota is my safest and most responsible action i could take.i need some input or something..... i really hope that i actually can read a reply to this ,because at this point i'm virtually clueless hopeless and aimless..
i just want to know where to roam to... but i'm afraid i won't be accepted from all my ... misfortune i feel like i would be bringing with me. my 0 money 0 house 0 inhibitions
all i care for is love and sounds and visions and healing through my wishes
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How do you define initiation? What do you expect to get from it?
Why don't you care about this life? Isn't life the medium through which you experience those things you care about: "love and sounds and visions and healing..."
You say: "I care for learning what I can to help the best that I can..." - help who? what?
You say "I want to start my own job and blah blah blah be an adult." - are you sure you want that?
Why would California be any different than Minnesota?
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I remember when I believed that I needed to be initiated.
I hear what you are saying, and I think I know where you are coming from.
It takes courage to live, and more courage to live in ways that we think are not for us.
Have heart, lost soul.I was a teen age run away, and lived on the city streets. I thought if Ijust got out of my parents house, I would be able to BE me. But my issues came in my bags so to speak.
I almost ran away another time with the traveling fair, I thought that type of lifestyle would be a great mirror for my soul. But again, I learned that what I was taking with me was problamatic, not where I was.I could run away now, but I dont want to any more.
I learned that even though I am not many things, I am a bright and beuatiful star that is filled with love....and you are too.
Life is an initiation, unfortunately it has to be lived in order to expierece it.
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The challenges of life are an initiation, not an obstacle to initiation.
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@junebug said
"Initiation, it's all i want.
"@junebug said
"
all i care for is love"There could be an argument made here that your life so far has already initiated you.
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I've found that trying to run from life to Initiation is making a mistake - as stated, life itself is an Initiation, and the best thing I think one can do prior to Initiation is to balance themselves and learn to love the life they have, for through what other medium would one be able to experience this Initiation?
Perhaps you should attempt helping yourself before you try to help others.
I'm in a vaguely similar situation as you are - I feel like I'm drowning most of the time... I say, "if only I was Initiated, all my personal problems would be solved! It's my environment that's the problem, not me. I'll become Initiated (or self-Initiate, as in my case) and learn to help others, and everything will be awesome!" I've found that it doesn't work that way. One must be capable of standing alone before they can help others to stand, or so I believe.
From someone who guesses he knows how you're feeling to some degree, some advice: get yourself comfortable and strong in all the "normal" and "profane" ways of living life. Get a job, get some short-term goals, get yourself on your feet. I believe those who eventually become Initiates are at least as capable as the average person, probably more so, so work on getting yourself to that level first. Running "from" life "to" Thelema isn't really a solution, as Thelema will just turn you right around and say "learn to walk before you can run," and send you off to where you just ran from.
Or so I've found.
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@Ash said
"Get a job, get some short-term goals, get yourself on your feet."
Well said.
Self discipline and self control are priceless skills.
Whatever space you find yourself in -- get it under control. Pythagoras demanded that his initiates make their bed immediately upon getting up in the morning. Dirty laundry goes in a hamper. If you don't have one, get one. Most folks find that when you get yourself and your immediate environment under control the rest of life starts to slowly fall in line.
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@junebug said
"at this point i feel like attempting to hitch hike all the way to california from minnesota is my safest and most responsible action i could take."
Do it!
I hitched to Wisconsin from San Francisco once upon a time--and I have to say that the adventure was more than worth my while.
Just be sure to take the Northwestern route, rather than the Bible Belt. And avoid truckers.
My journey started much the same way: reading in a Buddhist sutra that those who gave up material benefits for the life of a "homeless brother" would be infinitely rewarded, I took the chance. The strength I garnered from those imposing travels will never leave me.
"Get a job, get some short-term goals, get yourself on your feet."
That's exactly what everybody told me.
I couldn't agree more: short-term material benefits far outweigh something like Initiation.
I find it funny that nearly every member of this forum has so far advised our querent to take the safe, sure, and steady route. No coward will make it anywhere along the path of Initiation. And at that, you advise the kid to stick with the glorious, spiritually deficit realm of Minnesota over California!
Fools!
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@JPF said
" I find it funny that nearly every member of this forum has so far advised our querent to take the safe, sure, and steady route. No coward will make it anywhere along the path of Initiation. And at that, you advise the kid to stick with the glorious, spiritually deficit realm of Minnesota over California!
Fools!"
First of all, I would recommend Cali over virtually anywhere, but that's not the point
Just speaking from personal experience, if one truly feels the need to take the dive into Initiation and only fear is holding them back, that's one thing, but if one is running away from something else, especially if that "something else" is life in general, running headlong toward the Path is not likely to be very helpful, because in that case the fear is what is driving the jump toward Initiation, and not just an obstacle in its way.
"Initiation, it's all i want.
i don't care for this life."Judging by junebug's post, I am gonna go out on a limb and guess that the latter would apply more in his/her case than the former, hence my advice.
"i want to start my own job and blah blah blah be an adult so it can get me closer to learning more of Thelema but i feel like time is too precious to waste putting thelema behind my comfort level."
I am a bit confused as to what you mean by "time is too precious to waste putting thelema behind my comfort level," but my best guess at attempting a paraphrase is something like "time is too precious to waste on profane matters when there's Thelema to dive into." Do correct me if I'm wrong, please.
If my guess is correct, then the best thing I think I could say to you is to face "being an adult" in whatever sense of the word you mean that, because I know it is something I've been passionately afraid of and, to some degree, still am, and your words could have easily been mine.
Few of us can live without a source of stable income the way Crowley did (and he wasn't exactly financially secure either). Once we introduce the necessity for that kind of strength into the equation, it becomes harder and harder to separate profane matters from becoming Thelemic matters. I'd love to quit my job and just focus on discovering my True Will and doing it, but I really doubt I'd be able to accomplish what I am beginning to understand as my Will without an income and a somewhat stable life to back me up; It's like studying the art of warfare but refusing to acquire and maintain the implements of war - one is a knowledgeable but impotent soldier. Thelema, from what little I understand so far, is about life, it's about growth and maturity and change, and not caring for this life is definitely going to be an obstacle if one follows the Path.
That's the reason I'm advocating the "safe approach."
But Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
These are just my 2 cents.
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93
junebug, start your own job and study. This forum is of immense value for when you feel isolated. When you learn more the problems that you may be facing currently in your life become easier to deal with(not that they go away).
You are not a Lost Soul. Perhaps you just don't know if what you feel about your current state is a matter of endurance or discernment. I think I am paraphrasing a very wise person. Most likely a person on this forum.
Love is the Law
Love under Will.Jason
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@junebug said
"Initiation, it's all i want.
i don't care for this life. i care for learning what i can to help the best that i can.
i can not find any form of support to help me get closer to being part of the Thelema, ever day is a struggle to find where i can call home.
i want to start my own job and blah blah blah be an adult so it can get me closer to learning more of Thelema but i feel like time is too precious to waste putting thelema behind my comfort level.
at this point i feel like attempting to hitch hike all the way to california from minnesota is my safest and most responsible action i could take.i need some input or something..... i really hope that i actually can read a reply to this ,because at this point i'm virtually clueless hopeless and aimless..
i just want to know where to roam to... but i'm afraid i won't be accepted from all my ... misfortune i feel like i would be bringing with me. my 0 money 0 house 0 inhibitions
all i care for is love and sounds and visions and healing through my wishes"
Hello Junebug, By hitchhiking you mean relying on others instead of yourself and your own intuition? I think you know a bit already, have you read this text?
www.sacred-texts.com/tao/taote.htm
Sapare Aude
LLLL
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Feel free to disregard this post...
Do you feel as though you something to offer? or to be recognised? Maybe in the down time strengthening your natural abilities, and your self worth ... your philosophies and your general inner convictions etc...
I feel everybody needs to do this even without the magick side things.. you may find after soul searching that you dont wish to work in a large group (crowley himself dissuaded from working in very large groups)
If you still see yourself as a child (i say this lovingly lol) then your potential is not met (your own image of it or others etc) ... you can give a child a tool box and they can sure hit a nail with a hammer... but a child is going to leave more gaping holes in the walls than if an adult had held the hammer...
my advice is... go into a chatroom, any chat room, and start leaving hints about yourself as you get to know people - you'd be AMAZED how well you can connect with other "loners" who know it or not are desperate for somebody to brainstorm with and research with and get excited with. find somebody by coincidence- they are the best relationships grins
in the down time use this board community to your FULL advantage!! comment on everything, the worst somebody is going to do is say it doesnt apply to THIER theories, or (in a positive way) get you to back it up.... i find many of my own theories are just notions until i'm challenged to up my game and explain myself... best learning tool EVER lol... plus.. i'm very shocked that within this kind of company, my thoughts dont seem to be scoffed at..and i'm confidant neither will yours.
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Also ... if you're no good to yourself alone, you cant be any good to a group ... thelemic or otherwise hugs
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junebug-with the time that has passed since posting, I hope you have found some direction.
Do you own a copy of the Book Of The Law? -
scribd is a WICKED site for finding (a somewhat glitchy) computer version of books including if not ALL crowelys, then definately most of his. go and see if its there
of course nothing beats the feel of a good book in thier hands xxx
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@sphinx666 said
"junebug-with the time that has passed since posting, I hope you have found some direction.
Do you own a copy of the Book Of The Law?"as everyone can tell i was in a very .. upset state..
& no i haven't a copy of the book & really would enjoy one.to everyone else who wrote this post i can't thank you enough for your concern & input and i have been working towards "getting on my feet"
& to JPF
i was concerned i was not still welcome.. of course i know the cali living would be different terms then anything i'm used to anyways.. i was partially worried something had happened to you as i was foolish to not check my posts & activity on the forums & not just my messages...once again i can't thank you enough..
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& on top of this i realize the faulty in a lot of my statements
but we've all been hopeless at some point...
i just didn't know what to do..
but maybe instead now i can post all my poetry...
for instanceas stated i'm working at doing better but.. circumstances only seem to further the ease of things for me. but here's some more sad sounding stuff.
my Heart is an Anchor
it sinks to find Stability in
the Deepest Unknown
The Dark is a home
for this Nothing Helpless Soul.
He just fills your needed roles.
left Bleeding through to try & rise
but the Sunshine's got a different eye to Behold.
So Leave me in the gentle Cold
Just Run from my evil & leave to my ashes,
it's all that remains from this used up.
Bloody Fuck
head struck
broken heart strings
Love FiendPlaying 2nd chair in the Symphony of your Soul
is rotting my heart into a hole.
All the hurt & anxiety i carry with me.
Guilt, joy, frustration, delusion, confusion they all call my name.
i play the Part to keep you sane but it's Leading me the other way.
i feel like a distraction...
Like i fill your time fine..
Something Special Comes my only Sushine's Way & i'm told i must stay away.that obvious heart ache with a girl was not helping my feelings at the time
but it's passed so i thought i could share & it'd help show you myself & where i'm at & i'm changing, growing, learning..93
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@junebug said
"
Bloody {****}
head struck
broken heart strings
Love Fiend"**** rhymes with duck..
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Everyone has an answer, but what is the question?
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feeble cry for support from a confused outstretched hand that shan't waste the time of these fine people again as this fella knows there's no reason to fret or wallow around for no good reason
i'll be making the move soon.