Trembling?
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93
Hey everyone,Over the past few weeks I've had experiences when reading holy literature, or works pertaining to holy literature, or my prayerbook, or reviewing the Resh, or reading people's experiences on this website, and so on. But I do not pray or do Resh or anything like that right now. Anyway, this experience is like... I become very excited, and I feel very light (but not light-headed, it's not vertigo-like sensations), my hands shake and I feel my whole body tremble. My breathing is heavy and drawn but my heart rate is normal. I'm just trying to say: I feel very noticeably excited, in a way I've never felt before, which is unlike anxiety, low blood sugar or arousal. I feel holy!
It is the most joyous, blissful feeling I have ever felt! Oh! It is wonderful!
I imagined that this was the kind of feeling, or a primitive shadow of the feeling, that is brought on by very intense prayer or ritual or meditation, or something along those lines. But I don't know, really. What I'm asking you is, this trembling, what is it? Have other people experienced it, when reading about sacred or magical things, but not having practiced them? Is this a usual or normal or good thing? And, what should I do about it?
My plan at the minute is to finish the book I'm reading (nothing esoteric - Virginia Woolf's To The Lighthouse) so I know I have enough concentration, because I have been extremely ill for the past few months and don't want to leap into anything unprepared. When I know I can do mental things competently, I want to begin Liber Resh, and once I get the rest of my life in order (studies, and the like) work through Regardie's One Year Manual. Is that a good plan? Is that conducive to striking the trembling iron, so to speak? Or am I making a gross mistake - that's what I'm worried about, basically. This is my first step into the magical life! I'm terrified! I want to know I'm starting off alright.
93, 93/93
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I had this kind of experiences when I was younger. Thanks you for awakening my memory of it, I have almost completely forgot about that!
It was happening when reading, as you described (mostly Thelemic literature, but various Holy Books too), and also when meeting some people, and even when only thinking about some ideas; the common denominator for all those situation is that those were the situations involving something important for my Path; there was a feeling of deep personal value, importance, and at the same time the distinct feeling of presence of Universal Truth; I simply interpreted it then as great emotional and mental excitement manifested in the body as this pulsating, trembling motions (un-willed, and hard to control).
It completely ceased during pregnancy, and had been appearing periodically again - with greater frequency and intensity than before (during almost every contact with another person outside my home; I was living with my daughter and husband) - some 2-3 years later, lasted during a period of about a year then. This was hard time for me, it was a challenge to go out and interact with people; I felt too sensitive for all emotional tides that they (mostly unconsciously) emitted, I felt as if I was unwillingly directly tuning into their psychological states, and was feeling and seeing their being from the inside; it was very uncomfortable; I reduced my social contacts to only few people, and practiced retaining control over my body during these encounters.
Yoga practices are mainly what made it go away, at least that's what I think now. -
The trembling that I feel, constantly, comes from my heart.
It is from being turned on.I prefer to exist in the world in a state of being turned on,
It is much nicer, then being turned off.I consciously choose to resonant in a mind set of being in love.
Love is the Law.
Love under Will.I believe that most people enjoy the feeling of being in love
And that this feeling a liven us, keeps us vital.
The trembling is your movement, your will.
As you keep using it you will become able to move more,
tremble more, generate more.This trembling can cause deep nervousness thou, agitation and frustration....if you do not release and relax sometimes. At least I need a physical release, and depending on how long I have generated love this release needs to be matching. I think that this issue may be my own thou and not universal, because it would seem to me that it doesn't need to be that way, and I'm not sure why it is so with me.
Love life
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"Thanks you for awakening my memory of it, I have almost completely forgot about that! "
Hahaha, you're welcome Danica! For the next paragraph; I know exactly what you mean about all that. The feeling of universal truth, yes! This has come to me, really, after getting over a great stage of spiritual endeavor - and non-spiritual endeavor - which I won't enter into here. But, basically, this feeling only began to happen to me after I'd sorted out all the nonsense and 'found the Path' as you guys would say. That makes it even more exciting! I definitely interpret it as great excitement, too.
Wow about it stopping during pregnancy! And a kind of Most High Agoraphobia, that's all very crazy! Interesting that Yoga made it go away. I had thought that was the feeling I'd be cultivating with Yoga. Maybe I'm on the right path, regardless, with Regardie's exercises (the first of which are derived from Yoga).
"It is from being turned on."
!! Well! You know though, it's funny. You have mentioned, as I have seen, your fidelity to the Goddess, no? You see, the first time I felt this was when I knelt in prayer at the Altar of Mary Magdalene in the center of Lake Bled (in Slovenia). Mary Magdalene, it didn't take much digging to find out, was believed by the Egyptians to be Isis incarnate - and those cults had by this time said Isis was Zoe (Eve) from the Garden. The feminine principle! I read of Frater Achad stressing the importance of the connection between a magician on Malkuth (which must be where I am, having attained nothing?), and the Goddess in Binah. Blah blah... Here I am pondering Qabalah. Out of my depth, perhaps. (Funnily, and no pun intended, the next day there was an earthquake in Croatia, while we were in the waters nearby, and I was swallowed up by the waves and my girlfriend had to pull me ashore - what a coincidence I should mention being out of my depth!)
I like what you have to say regardless, friend. I am very drawn to love, I think 'Love is the Law' is one of my favourite parts of Thelema also - what drew me to Christianity, really, was the concept of God's Love and it's immanence. Mmm...
EDIT: You know, it's funny. Both of your answers remind me of the quote of my signature - 'I cannot love without trembling'!
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@Laura Marx said
"Out of my depth, perhaps. (Funnily, and no pun intended, the next day there was an earthquake in Croatia, while we were in the waters nearby, and I was swallowed up by the waves and my girlfriend had to pull me ashore - what a coincidence I should mention being out of my depth!)"
And pulled to shore by a goddess, too!
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@Laura Marx said
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EDIT: You know, it's funny. Both of your answers remind me of the quote of my signature - 'I cannot love without trembling'!"When I saw the name of this topic, my first thought was "Fear and trembling" by Kierkegaard?!. It's the fear and trembling of naked human soul standing before Absolute which is Transcendence (the ultimate Other, God as un-knowable, unreachable by rational mind) that S.Kierkegaard speaks about there, in a poetic manner ('cause there is no other way to speak of these experiences) and under the pseudonym Johannes de Silentio
Soror AoD, reading your answer made me realize that - yes, all these trembling-experiences were essentially manifestations of Love - "For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union" - appearing upon deep and personal encounter with the Other; there is intimacy and union, but yet, there is the uncrossable difference also, which makes the union possible. As if - the body needs to dance
It definitely did me a lot of good when I started dancing more and more freely -
The third film in the Three Colors trilogy, Red, has a character expressing this experience--that tingling sense of proximity to fate and truth and coincidence.
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"And pulled to shore by a goddess, too!"
Yes! Yes, exactly! Maybe a total reversal of that story in Fear and Trembling, I am the demon at the bottom of the ocean and Agnes pulls me out so I may repent. Hehehe
"When I saw the name of this topic, my first thought was "Fear and trembling" by Kierkegaard?!"
Yes! Beloved Kierkegaard is why I picked trembling, why the word trembling is in my signature, and so on. I haven't actually gotten to read F&T yet, or any actual Kierkegaard. I've only begun my studies and so I've only read a second-hand piece of literature, by the great Irish philosopher Arland Ussher. Perhaps this feeling is Ingeborg looking back over the sea and saying, 'Has the day, the sea seen thy face?'
Anyway, you put it all so beautifully, Kierkegaard and this trembling. It's funny you should mention him, you know. I mentioned to you in my last response that I began to feel this feeling after I sorted out some nonsense and went through a great personal upheaval, and this mostly took the form of unlearning various kinds of bigotry & harmful attitudes as a result of growing up in protestant schools - internalized or not-so - and confronting that. Blah blah... I realized just now reviewing my notes of Ussher's commentary, the method I was using corresponds exactly to Kierkegaard's 'ethical stage,' trembling before the Other Person. It seems as soon as I had learned to tremble before the Other, I am seized by and tremble before the Supreme Other! God-as-Unknowable, as you say. Yes! Phenomenal. That goes along with Agnes and the Merman, too, I think. You'll know better than I do.
" "For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union""
That quote! I'm sorry to eavesdrop, but I've seen that once before on this forum, and it is so beautiful. What is it from?
"The third film in the Three Colors trilogy, Red, has a character expressing this experience--that tingling sense of proximity to fate and truth and coincidence."
Ah, wow! That sounds really good, I'll definitely watch it. It seems there is plenty of this feeling around.
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I tremble, shudder, and weep -
Lost in the excess of the excess
Passing of the Word on high
Down through the bowels
To the feet where I lieSuch is what it means to be possessed
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Possessed!
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"For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union." (AL I:29)
I laughed when you wrote about me and my fidelity.....
I never thought of myself that way, but I am.
Recently I had this very peculiar shift happen to me, I can't pin point exactly what happened, but since it has to do with this trembling possession energized love thing, I'll share it with you all.
Now, I have a tremendous sexual appetite. I think I even have most men beat. When I mean sex, though it's not the primal penis/vagina porn kinda stuff. Everything on this plane ,at least to me, can be reduced to sex. I have been pretty focused on only allowing myself to get sexually aroused physically by certain specific qualifications of a potential mate. You know, sort of like a fetish, but my brush was just really broad, like it had to be a man, with a job, and a car....just simple things...
Over my years though, these stringint qualities that I self imposed upon my ability to get aroused or feel in love changed. When I was a very you g girl, I was very turned on by guys with black hair for example. But over time, motivator as I became exposed to more and more types of people, I started to like brown hair, and blondes. Ect ect.
I have always been extremely orgasmic, probably due to my sex drive and nervous system wiring. This feeling of love that I choose is similar to an orgasm, but more like you are right on the plateau....almost there. Now some may say, oh you shouldn't stay in that state long....but well everyone hAs there own coping skills, and if mine is thinking how some thing is an aspect of the Divine, and how much I love the Divine and get all trembling and have a great day, and work hard and serve the greater good like I want to. Then Do What Thou Wilt right.
So what has happened to me over the years, is that those self imposed restrictions of my bliss. Of being open to seeing the Divine in everything, in everyone....and wanting to give them my love (which is the really fun part;) ) has been stripped away. I had a dream, which is so personal and counter culture that I haven't even shared it here, but in this dream I believe one of my last restrictions to bliss was stripped away, and ever since then.....don't take this wrong way, guys Espicially, because y'all know I absolutely worship your differences from me, but ever since that dream I do not need any physical stimulation to get off, so to speak. I want the physical, but I can bring about the exact same thing, in my own being. (or at least it sure feels like it).
Since this last stripping away, I had something strange happen to me, guys are really gonna love this....
But well, this is strange to say, but.....I'll just spit it out....I could and would easily have sex with a women now. Never, ever would I have thought about doing that before, because well the world is filled with yummy guys I would love to shagg, but this feeling that I have now, this deeper stronger trembling of love, which came about by me slowly stripping away my own restrictions on what I found attractive, by slowly accepting everyone as Divine and worthy of Love, deserving of Love....liberates me to see Love is the Law in a completely different level.The strangest thing about this shift, which was just like waking up one day, and saying I think Ill be bisexual from now on, Was that I had several married men come on to me, very strongly in a short period of time. To each one I told that I would love to screw them, but I would never hurt a Sister by doing anything behind her back, and that he was looking, she probably needs a good shagging too, so I would have sex with them both. Well, they turned tale and ran away.
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@Angel of Death said
"The strangest thing about this shift, which was just like waking up one day, and saying I think Ill be bisexual from now on, Was that I had several married men come on to me, very strongly in a short period of time. To each one I told that I would love to screw them, but I would never hurt a Sister by doing anything behind her back, and that he was looking, she probably needs a good shagging too, so I would have sex with them both. Well, they turned tale and ran away."
This is why I love you, Veronica, or Angel of Death, whathaveyou.It all sounds so very Binah to me, y'know, this whole "casting off restrictions" business
I share your perspective on everything being sex, though, in one way or another. Everything. Really.
Concerning the OT, I too have experienced great trembling. A sort of "too real" sensation. That is when I breathe and establish the Middle Pillar. Shoot right out the top, as it goes!
Sublimate, sublimate, sublimate.
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Whathaveyou?
You have changed your name more then me!I love you too
I wanted to clarify one thing,
I am not insinuating sexual preferences are a choice.
Implying for example that gays choose to be gay.
I am meaning for me, now
I am capable of giving and receiving love from anyone I choose.
I consciously chose to not see women as sexual partners.
But, it's hard enough for me to find people who can and will have sex with me,
So that behavior (restriction) doesn't serve me anymore. -
[fans self down] [adjusts collar]
Hey... Great post...
I'm joking of course
It's funny though, the way you characterize it as a much looser thing, something that came to you as a result of your Work, not because of... well, whatever agency is usually responsible for sexuality. I wonder if other people have experienced a change in sexuality on the Path? I used to identify as bisexual, and I am still attracted to men, but I'd find it hard to be with a man I think. No offense Mecsen! I identify as lesbian - but of course it's never that simple. On the Kinsey Scale I'm a 4 (Chesed?) I guess. Unlike you I have almost no sexual appetite though, ahaha! I am given much more to romance, I guess.@Mecsen: I get what you mean about the 'too real' sensation. Everything becomes very here and very now. It's the opposite of some epileptic fits or panic attacks I used to get (my brain is a minefield!) where I would get a flash of sudden loss of ego and then an incredible feeling of everything being not real, a terrible nightmarish illusion. The fear, rather than the trembling, perhaps. It was the most horrible thing! It was like, I was not even ready for Yesod, and I was knocked full-body in Kether. These two feelings are total opposites, and it's not until I read your post - 'too real' - it reminded me of the other, 'not real'. I wonder if they're related.
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@Angel of Death said
"Now, I have a tremendous sexual appetite. I think I even have most men beat. When I mean sex, though it's not the primal penis/vagina porn kinda stuff. Everything on this plane ,at least to me, can be reduced to sex. I have been pretty focused on only allowing myself to get sexually aroused physically by certain specific qualifications of a potential mate. You know, sort of like a fetish, but my brush was just really broad, like it had to be a man, with a job, and a car....just simple things..."
Are you familiar with pan-sexuality?
A "pan-sexual" is a person whose notions of sex and sexuality are unrestricted by gender or activity. -
@Laura Marx said
"I wonder if other people have experienced a change in sexuality on the Path?"
That's an interesting question, because since embarking on the path more .. solidly, I guess .. I have nudged a little bit towards bisexuality. I've never been very discriminating really, but it does seem the last of the false inhibitions and mental structures have been blown away. The androgynous nature of the Godhead as a whole certainly appeals to me and it might be that working its magic. That said, I've only felt sexually stirred by women (until now anyway) and it is the feminine that I cherish in that sense. It has that lovely that way of moving me, which is utterly absent from masculinity. The other side certainly has its merits as well (even aesthetically), but they don't really map onto sexual activity for me.
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"Are you familiar with pan-sexuality?
A "pan-sexual" is a person whose notions of sex and sexuality are unrestricted by gender or activity."Yes! One of my girlfriends identifies as pansexual, and I've been with a lot of pansexual girls in the past. (Once, I was becoming intimate with a pansexual girl, and I told my girlfriend about her & that she was pansexual, and she said totally seriously 'Oh! You guys must be having a lot of fun with pots of pans then' [snicker])
But, I don't identify as pansexual. When I called myself bisexual, I would describe it as feeling as though I had two sexualities, one for male and one for female, which I experienced very differently. A non-binary gender person would probably have shaken that up completely, but I never met anybody like that then. (Though, one of my lovers identifies as non-binary, she presents as totally female, so it doesn't quake my comfortable expectations - perhaps in the future).
"The androgynous nature of the Godhead as a whole certainly appeals to me and it might be that working its magic."
Yeah, definitely, I like that. Perhaps you're not necessarily attracted to men, but not only women? And the path has opened you up to other notions of gender? The devotion to an androgynous God could abet the desire of an androgynous person. In Indian art they have a Mood (of Navarasha, a way of composing Indian art) which is said to be 'longing for a God or a Lover', called Karuna - as Ravi Shankar says of it, "Hindus tend to elevate the mortal love into Divine love, so the beloved can be an ordinary human being or often a god such as Krishna or Shiva." (I think there's a similar thing in some African religions, where a person is said to be a 'horse' of a particular Lwa?) Regardless - it's all very interesting!
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My experience with the Lwa is less of a romantic love and more of a deep kinship and paternal love from my head spirit. That is not to say that the feelings are not deep, the thought of being ridden by him excites me in an indescribable way.
The more I work with him the deeper the bond becomes, and the more like him I become.
"I am your horse! I am your horse! Come to me, your son calls you!"
The chant is something like that.
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@Uni_Verse said
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@Angel of Death said
"Now, I have a tremendous sexual appetite. I think I even have most men beat. When I mean sex, though it's not the primal penis/vagina porn kinda stuff. Everything on this plane ,at least to me, can be reduced to sex. I have been pretty focused on only allowing myself to get sexually aroused physically by certain specific qualifications of a potential mate. You know, sort of like a fetish, but my brush was just really broad, like it had to be a man, with a job, and a car....just simple things..."Are you familiar with pan-sexuality?
A "pan-sexual" is a person whose notions of sex and sexuality are unrestricted by gender or activity."Definately, I resonate with that more so then bisexual. I would even say I could kick that label to the curb too, I think I'm a little more unrestricted then that.
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Ah, gosh, I replied to Uni_verse, and they were not asking me
whoops"My experience with the Lwa is less of a romantic love and more of a deep kinship and paternal love from my head spirit. That is not to say that the feelings are not deep, the thought of being ridden by him excites me in an indescribable way.
The more I work with him the deeper the bond becomes, and the more like him I become.
"I am your horse! I am your horse! Come to me, your son calls you!"
The chant is something like that."
Ah! Thank you for commenting, Rocky! Yeah, I didn't think it was quite the same or anything. That sounds really wonderful, though, that feeling. Is there ever a romantic, or even sexual, relationship with a Lwa, in voodoo? I had read somewhere - but of course, as you would attest, reading things about voodoo are seldom accurate - that Marinette is far more sexual in the way she feels. I have heard stories of devoted Marinette worshipers in the south of Haiti who throw themselves full-bodied onto bonfires for her! But I am not sure if I am to believe such things.