"I think maybe on some level I just wanted to get results. And results I got! "
Aaaah. As always, be careful what you wish for!
An early motto of mine was "I Crave This Over-Coming!". Took me several years to realize all the static I was generating was in service to my motto. [sigh]
¡Enjoy!
-bbb
¡93!
Ankh, I've also been annoyed by previously-tolerable experiences, and taken refuge in habits I thought I'd already defeated (I drank, not smoked). This led me to look for my dissatisfaction within my attitude and outlook.
I discovered that everything which annoyed me, had power over me...and I was the only one providing that power! I chose to interact differently, "experimentally", with people and phenomena with which I had a relationship built on assumptions (I always hate going shopping with my wife, I never feel like emptying the dishwasher, I shouldn't have to deal with that asshole at work...I'm sure you have a similar list). It made life feel (for lack of a better word) intentional, again. Behaving in such an "everything is up for reinterpretation" fashion makes me feel awake and alive; I recommend it.
You have quite a practice. Perhaps your smoking is acting out, your ego asserting independence...an escape valve from your powerful super ego.
Why stop with Yesod? Maybe meditating on other sephiroth would spin you different directions.
93, 93/93.
-bbb