Hello --
I found this board looking for information to help me decide what my next step will be after a long hiatus from spiritual study and practice. And I wanted to thank the members for information I've found here so far. It's been a long and winding road for me, I'll try my best to offer a short version of what brought me to discover Crowley and the Kabalah.
On my mother's side of the family, there is a lot of natural psychic ability. Messages coming in dreams, etc., were discussed openly. Everyone knew "ESP" (that's what they called it) ran in the family. My great grandfather was a hands-on healer who may have been trained as a child. However, to my knowledge, no on else in the family studied or researched the subject. I started having precognitive dreams as a kid and I was always highly intuitive. Because of my family's open attitude I paid attention to my intuitions. But I had no -- what may be termed as --metaphysical until my father was killed in a hit and run accident when I was 15 years old.
He would communicate with me in dreams -- sometimes my mother and I would have very similar dreams on the same night -- however, he made it clear to both her and I, he would relay messages to me and then I would share them. He gradually started to give me mini-lectures on stages on afterlife and metaphysics -- like manifestation techniques -- in dreams. I found these interesting but did not rush off to study on my own or seek any teachers. And I continued to "keep it in the family" as far as some specific messages went. I never discussed it with friends. I just sort of absorbed it all. Then a fellow I had hired as a freelancer where I worked just popped into my office one day and started to chat with me about psychic phenomenon, meditation etc. I shared that I'd had a few experiences, still not telling all. Next day he brought me a couple of the Seth books. And though much of it did not resonate with me, some sections contained Seth teachings that were exactly what my father had told me in dreams. So, I started to meditate, read a couple of basic books. And one day I felt compelled to buy a deck of Waite tarot cards. I did start sharing experience with a close friend, gave a few informal readings, and found I was very accurate.
Years went by and all of my work was very much on a light level -- meditation, dream journal, and books. I finally decided to get a reading by a fellow - psychic medium -- I heard on the radio and who felt "right." My Mom came along and had her reading first. She came out, sad tears in her eyes and said, "He's good." My turn, he sits with me a long while, the tape recorder running and he finally says he can not read me. All he could pick up was that I too had psychic ability. He suggested his block may be due to my own spiritual guides and teachers who didn't want him to tell me something I wasn't ready to hear. Then he gave a list of books to read and suggested I take a psychic development class. When my Mom and I got into the car we played her reading tape -- it was clear as could be. Then we popped mine in:static. You could barely make out the voices.
I did finally go to a psychic development class -- my now ex-husband found an ad in a local paper. It was a British fellow who taught at the metaphysical college in the UK. This was good and bad. Good, because the basic techniques he taught the class further opened up the abilities I had. Bad, because he was very manipulative. (Beware of the manipulative teacher.) I wasted maybe two years before it was clear that he was not the teacher for me. However, word had gotten around about my accuracy as a card reader and a medium, and I started giving readings regularly. I was/am very accurate. However, on an energy level it was very draining -- I found most people wanting readings to be told what they want to hear, they have no desire to develop spiritually. And many times I felt I knew exactly why, "Christ wept." It's really sad to see how disconnected people are, how frightened or how stuck they are in their traumas.
Still, I continued. And one day a friend asked me to go to a guided mediation group with him. It was one of those, "Meet Your Spirit Guides" meditations. The group leader did his thing, guiding us through tunnels etc. Then led us to a door and told us our guide would be on the other side. I opened in and there was a fellow wearing a monk's robe. I asked him his name. He said: "Crowley." And that was it.
I had no idea who Crowley was. With all the books I'd read, I had never come across his name. On the way home. l shared it with my friend, he gave me an overview on Aleister Crowley. I did a little basic reading and to be honest -- what I read about A.C. scared me a little. But when I had read he designed a tarot deck, I figured I could work on that level. I bought the Thoth Tarot and sat comparing each card with its counterpart in the Waite Deck. My chakras spun open looking at the images. I never worked with the Waite deck again -- it literally paled in comparison. Interestingly enough, it was shortly after working with the Thoth when I broke from my teacher.
I read Crowley's Book of Thoth, through that I discovered the Kabalah and I started independent study. No one I knew in my local "metaphysical" community knew anything about it. There was a woman in another state who taught basic Kabalah to seminary students. I called her and asked if she could refer me to anyone nearby. She couldn't, but we chatted on and when I shared with her some insights I had in my own study, she said that she didn't think her course could help because I had already taught myself the basics. I was on my own again.
I did read the Golden Dawn, however -- to be forthright -- the rituals do not resonate with me. I practiced the introductory banishing ritual and though I did sense its "reality," I seem to have a great resistance to ritualistic work. I'm not sure it's the path for me. About 9 years ago I made a conscious decision to stop. I stopped everything -- gave no readings, no classes, no groups, I also stopped meditating. I even gave away all my books save two of Crowley's, Magick Without Tears & Book of Thoth, Robert Wang's Qabalistic Tarot, Dion Fortune's book, and I also kept a couple of Kabalah books written by Rabbis (I find these intriguing). These I would dip into on and off, just a read here and there, during my time out. But I did no work -- for 9 years.
Of late, I have been feeling like I'm ready to work again, however I do not know where to start and in what direction to focus. I only know the Tree of Life still resonates with me, Googling around, I found this message board. Sorry this posting is so long, I just wanted to put it "out there."
Thank you. 