It has been six years since this thread was started. Must say that it has been quite a ride since then. My life had slowly started to collapse in on itself a few years earlier but right around the time of this post it definitely hit rock bottom. If I had only known what was to unfold. But doing the work, being consistent and not lusting for results brought me back.
I appreciate your advice, it inspired me to find my own path through the desert.
Today things are brilliant.
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@Froclown said
"
What matters is the truth, when in experiment it shows that your perspective falls short of truth, then you MUST cast it away without a second thought.
TRUTH alone in the most important. Better to be without a perspective, ie to be totally unsure and bewildered than to hold a perspective that does not match objective evidence, as discerned in controlled experiments.
"
When I mentioned “perspective” I meant it as in your own unique, evolving perspective on Thelema in particular. In other words your opinion of what Thelema means to you.
Naturally, the scientific method is ideal to get the best possible reliable results. Personally I am careful with classifying these results as absolute truth. In time I might gain greater understanding on the given subject and understand that what I saw as truth was actually a part of a greater more complex structure and therefor only part true.
@rpin said
""Now let it be first understood that I am a god of War and of Vengeance. I shall deal hardly with them."
How does this interface with game theory, e.g. Nash equilibrium and Prisoner's Dilemma?
Each man and woman pursuing his and her own interest, doing his and her own will, yet punishing those who restrict his and her will through collective action (War) and individual retaliation (Vengeance). This is exactly what game theory would suggest for many real life situations - they call it a tit-for-tat strategy."
Interesting perspective. Gave me some food for thought. Thanks.
@Poe said
"If we need to start referencing Thelema to every odd thought by a crazy person then its going to take a long time to get through it all. "
Well. Throwing Nash into the mix might not be the best example, maybe "good" but probably not the best. I suggested his work on governing dynamics since he has been quite a scientifically useful “crazy person”.
@Poe said
"What I don't get is this constant "What about the Thelemic perspective on .... bellybutton fluff....?"
Does it matter? Or is it more important how Thelema helps inform YOUR perspective on things?"
I think everyone here can agree that your perspective and yours alone is what really should matter to you.
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@PatchworkSerpen said
"Can anyone think of a good example?"
The mathematician John Nash revised Adam Smith (aka the father of modern economics) and arrived at some interesting conclusions that one could refer to as a child like synthesis.
Smith argued that the best results are achieved when everyone in a group pursues their own interests individually. Nash revised the theory by adding the consideration that the common interests of the group in its entirety, combined with the individual pursuit would be the most ideal approach.
Nash was continually proven in practice and recieved the Nobel prize for his discovery.
Submitted to severe laughter spasms and stomach ache after first paragraph. Great stuff!
Made my day. 
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Im probably going to play it safe and look into therapy. IF I can find a therapist whose first objective is NOT to recommend/demand I go on medication. Hard for you to know since most of you live in the US or UK but overhere medication often IS the therapy (having heard the stories from people who have made that journey through our rehabilitation system). In other words they tend to want to give you pills for having a bad dream.
But it should not be impossible to find a therapist with a healthy view on psychology. Just really hard.
Very true. I think it is a good thing that you are persistent in pointing this out underabloodredsky. And I am not entirely hesitant against getting on the couch so to speak. Ill have to give this some extra thought.
" I think Levi wrote that the first step on the path (Malkuth) is often times the most difficult. To me that means just getting one's life in order to study magick and really devote oneself to the path is possibly the biggest hurdle. It's really about what choices and sacrifices one is willing to make."
Yes. It is definitely a struggle sorting out distractions. But I have made some radical decisions and the coming months will deal with seeing them through.
Many thanks for your time and advice.
Thanks guys for the input. Interesting stuff. Have to look into the various books and techniques. It is also nice to hear that I am not the alone going through this.
I am a big fan of Regardie, Fortune and Knight to a certain extent and I know that therapy is recommended before even moving beyond the first grades of some Orders (most of them I would say). That is a big part of my frustration. Because I already experienced what practice does to an unbalanced microcosm. Which means that I have to give myself the “return to GO card” until this is resolved.
It is my stubbornness that keeps me from getting therapy (and maybe pride). It probably did not get through in my lengthy post but it has become a mission to try to fix this thing as best as I can on my own. The rewards for doing so are enormous. At least up to this point. It feels like a boot camp before beginning more advanced practice. I can relate to the archetypes and behaviour patterns you mentioned to a great extent. Tracing back my life from a psychological standpoint it breaks down to these phases:
Childhood/early adulthood – avoiding confrontation with outbursts of anger in result of not having a balanced way of handling situations.
Adulthood up until 3 years ago – radical shift towards the severity side using anger and sometimes imposing fear to get my way. Not nice at all.
Present time – patience of gold ( or at least bronze) when it comes to personal matters. Avoiding unnecessary confrontation that does not seem to be important (read as not perceived to be in alignment with true Will). Rather a smile and silence in return than saying stuff that might stir up more unwanted chaos. But I still get anger throwbacks due to my ego feeling stomped. These outbursts rarely ever utter physically because they are checked and controlled internally. I detect a slight tendency to avoid confrontation but not as bad as in my youth. What I am saying with this is that the wrongful judgement I place on people is turned inside and the suffering from this is realizing that I am not really stopping something that I KNOW is out of order.
The way I see it. I might have experienced extreme shifts towards both polarities. I am back at an imbalance and the trick seems to be to get a balance which actually incorporates a blend of the two. But this is just speculation that remains to be proven in practice.
Thanks again for the pointers. I will research the possibilities presented to me and get back to work. Hopefully without lusting for results. 
Thanks for the tip Alias55a. Ive heard many good things about this book but havent purchased it yet. It has been put on my reading list.
@Alias55A said
"wandering, do you actually get the feeling of wanting to vomit? sometimes with me in asana or while doing the middle pillar ile get hot and sweaty/twitchy/fast heart rate/ and a twisting in my gut that makes me feal like vomiting. just wanting to see if there is any relation."
No not physically vomiting. Emotionally. Vomiting was my immediate choice of word in describing the effect. A better description might be an unpleasant emotion that builds to the point where you loose control over it temporarily.
Cant really say if there is any relation.
Do what thou whilst shall be the whole of the law
Thanks for the feedback underabloodredsky and JPF. It is good to get a broad perspective on things.
The thing is that Jim was quite on target with his reply. It sent chills down my spine. What he calls “colon cleanse” is recorded in my diary entry of 090730 as “feels like vomiting spiritually”.
He then goes on in describing my social reactions quite accurately. Emotionally overreacting and making judgements that is out of context with of present time etc.
I do agree with the fact that a shrink might be the most appropriate magickal weapon. Especially faster and more efficient since he/she objectively analyses your state of mind. But then again, the solutions and what you make of them is always up to one self.
This puts me in dilemma since I have taken myself far up from a bottomless pit already. Careless magickal dabbling in my past and a epidemic of deaths of people close to me (4 to be exact) sent my psyche on a wild ride. This left me in a hopeless state of mind thats close to borderline suicidal. Needless to say I couldnt work, eat, sleep or do anything. I figured out quite early that meditation might help. To get the edge of things. Not at all to achieve miracles or anything but to get some relief through out the day from the constant emotional pain.
After about a year of practice this worked out really good. I got back on my feet and started to get back to work and a somewhat regular life. During the meantime meditation brought me in back contact with magick but in a serious manner (which as you mention means dont practice at all for the moment). Now close to 2 years of studying mysticism and magick I wouldnt say I am a somersaulting-out-of-joy incarnation of Pan or anything. But then again I never was. Feels like im back where I started before all the tragedy but with a more (far from completely) balanced ego, more insight and thirst for further progression. I have definitely got to know myself pretty well during the past 3 years. I do experience a small kind of depression at the moment but it is different. I think it deals more with the conflict between my new found insights and values vs the world. Also the ego cries wolf over the things it lost when my career got set back to zero during the great tragedy 3 years ago.
That said I should probably check myself regularly from falling into delusion of grandeur. But in contrast to what I have been through already, my effects from LBRP are like experiencing firecrackers after Hiroshima.
Lengthy and perhaps too personal post. I just thought that I would share the whole picture since I didnt give any details of my background.
Love is the law, love under will
That is how I see things. Not being an Adept I cant say I KNOW.
I think it helps seeing obstacles as lessons. Friction will occur until the vector is perfectly adjusted to true will.
The sacrifice in this being persistence. Even something that seems like a personal cataclysm might bring magnificent things in the end.
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law
The most long term and sometimes hardest sacrifice is the amount of personal energy devoted to the Great Work. (Not being sure of your intention or goal with this question and therefor assuming that we are talking about long term development.) Personally and so far I have found that the more I change my life according to the vector that most definitely appears to be my true Will the more potent even the smallest practices become.
" Thou shalt drain out thy blood that is thy life into the golden cup of her fornication.
Thou shalt mingle thy life with the universal life. Thou shalt keep not back one drop."
Knocking at the gates of Pyramid City or not. For me personally, this is a good pointer for progression.
Love is the law, Love under Will.
A
Thank you for the recommendations Jim. I will practice them to the best of my ability. I can definitely identify with the "emotionally over-react" part. Quite reassuring to hear that this is connected to the result.
Not thrown of the horse at all. Things are just getting interesting. 
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I have been doing LBRP for quite a while now with pleasant results.
But last night it was the third time that I had a severely "bad trip". A few minutes after the following meditation my mood and emotional balance suddenly started falling to unpleasantly low depths. It got so bad I had to lie down for about an hour and kind of "ride it out".
From what I can remember the ritual was performed exactly in the same way as attempts without this strong reaction. So this is something out of the ordinary to me.
Is this expected?
Any comments, insights or hints on this would be most appreciated...
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// A
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law
My name is Anders and I am from the hedonist country of Sweden:
aftonbladet.se/multimedia/archive/00779/westboro-baptist-ch_779439w.jpg
(yes, all of it is true)
I have been interested in the occult for many years but the recent years have pulled me closer to serious devotion and acceptance of Liber Al vel Legis. If you wonder why im not posting so much here, it is because I have spend my time catching up on all that you guys discuss and learn alot from that.
Very happy to be able to take part of this good thing you guys have going here! Excelent initiative and good work!
Love is the law, Love under Will
Further work of my own will led me to this:
Phyllis Seckler via Frater Sirivs lineage: Astra et Clerum: A lineage operating in Sweden
Doh!
I take this as a lesson in developing greater patience.
93
Thank you for replying. This is exactly what I have in mind.
The question is how I come in contact with, say a lineage in the UK. For some reason (and maybe a obvious one) it is very hard to find contact information on the web.
Do you (or anyone else) have any website links or contact info for U.K ?
All I can find is U.S and Canada exclusive only.
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law
(First of all, great and many thanks to all you amazing people posting here. Reading your threads is inspiring and naturally very helpful to me who is taking my first stumbling steps in to a greater light.)
My question is about lodges of the order A.´.A.´ or other true Thelemic organisations that is fairly close to where I live (Sweden)?
I have been fine-combing the internet for this information without any success. In other words I am not afraid to travel to meet like minded.