poor+blind+misfit
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Hi.
I am a 30 year old man living in San Antonio where I make a living selling plants. (And no this isn't a drug reference!) I like blues, classic rock, honky-tonk, southern country and so forth, and though I still need a few classes to actually graduate, I've also studied philosophy and religion at Texas State University and the University of Texas at San Antonio. For whatever that's worth. Anyways you now have a small picture as to what manner of person I am.
In 2001 the spark within came ablaze, seemingly quite suddenly, and I found myself seeking I knew not what. I picked up some books on Wicca and my first consciously magickal meanderings began. I stumbled through introductory witchcraft and developed an ongoing love affair with what I now call Nuit. Then I didn't have a name for it, I simply felt a yearning and began to feel what must be Love.
After a year and a half or so of burning the midnight oil, as it were, kindling the flame within, and attuning myself with nature, oh Beauty, I learned in my more exoteric studies of Crowley's influence on Gardner and the modern witchcraft I was studying. Soon thereafter I acquired the thin volume of Book IV parts 1 and 2, and a copy of the Holy Books, when you could still get that at the local bookstore for under $20.
Of course I didn't "know" or "understand" what I was reading, and although these works have enriched every part of my life since, I still won't go so far as to say I understand them; that is to say they are forever opening new doors in my mind/soul/life. All I knew was the the books CCXX and LXV resonated deep within, and my life changed.
I have considered myself a Thelemite since, have studied all things related to Crowley that I could find. I've worked on my own, at a slow pace. The majority of my esoteric experience has been intellectual and contemplative. My practical work has revolved around the assumption of Harpocrates, especially early in my journey, and mostly and more recently experiences with my personalized versions of Liber XXV and Liber XLIV. These latter exercises more than any others have informed my journey thus far.
In 2007 I was made a Mason, which venture has also been fruitful. It has given me the opportunity to meet and get to know occultists from all schools of thought, and I've made wonderful friends. It has also given me the opportunity to befriend Thelemites from various schools of thought, lineages, and orders, and I cannot express enough the value of Freemasonry, and especially the Scottish Rite, as a melting pot of esoteric thought, and more.
At any rate, only now, at the age of 30, do I feel myself prepared to get to it and pursue the Work with the fervour it deserves, and only now do I find myself in a position to dedicate the time it requires. I am in the most stable place I have ever been, financially, emotionally, and on all counts. I live quietly with my girlfriend of two years, and while she has not shown an interest in pursuing this Great Work for herself, she understands it's importance to me, and is selflessly willing to aid me in whatever way she may. She is a good woman.
You might say I have found T, now I'm looking for U and O.
So now I am searching for a teacher and formal Thelemic initiation. I joined this forum to determine whether or not the COT, TOT, and Jane Wolfe lineage in general, may be what I'm searching for. I'm here to get a feel for the people involved, and to ask some questions.
Which brings us, finally, to question #1, and I must admit I hope Mr. Eshelmen will answer personally.
Does this lineage have an official stance, or view, or anything whatsoever to say about motives which draw a person to the Work? Is there any one or more motive(s) which are considered more acceptable to admit a person to the mysteries? Are there motive(s) which are altogether unacceptable?
This is a long post so I'll stop now. Thanks for having me here and best wishes to all.
93 93/93
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93,
Welcome.
"Does this lineage have an official stance, or view, or anything whatsoever to say about motives which draw a person to the Work? Is there any one or more motive(s) which are considered more acceptable to admit a person the the mysteries? Are there motive(s) which are altogether unacceptable? "
Everyone has their own motives, and only each individual can assess their worth. The primary thing is, you need to feel sure you want to explore this. Why, isn't that important an issue.
Unacceptable motives? Apart from "I want to make a lot of cash as a magician for hire," not really. Ill thought-out motives contain their own penalty, in any case.
93 93/93,
Edward
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Thank you, Edward, for the welcome and your response to my question. I agree wholly that surety is important. And I can honestly say that I do indeed feel sure that I am ready to proceed; indeed I shall go on whether I join an order or not. That being said, though, there is certainly a benefit to the guidance of and order and its egregore. So to state more plainly my concern, i must say it is not with my own motives, but with the ideas regarding motives which the leaders and members of this order may have. I have encountered one order (which by the way I respect very much, and whose initiates that I have met are amazing people), which I was able to determine wasn't for me because (for one thing) of a seemingly dogmatic (from my vantage anyways) insistence on an idea made known to me through the works of W.E. Butler that the ONLY motive which admits one to the mysteries is the desire to help others.
Now let it be known that if I can, I will always jump to help those in need. I will be a happy man if on my deathbed I can say "I was a benefit to humanity." But I must admit that my motive for pursuing our Great Work is much more selfish. I have searched deep, and for the longest time I wished to banish this motive that seems to some impure. But banish it I have not. I wish to be all I can be. To fulfill all my potential. I wish this for my own happiness and that of those around me. I wish to hinder no one, and again to help anyone I can, but my primary motive in esoteric work has been self awareness, self knowledge, self improvement, ad infinitum into the depths of my SELF.
To me it seems that if I am able to realize my own potential, helping humanity will follow as if independantly of my own will.
Now, I never say never, and I certainly don't know that my motive won't change. I only know that in all honestly that is my motive, so I'm searching for a teacher/order who understands and embraces that.
I feel compelled to add that I think the End of my Work must by necessity consist of a "surrender," of myself, so to speak, the the higher. I know there are mysteries here I cannot fathom; I know also that it isn't my desire to withhold... no it is even my sincere desire NOT to withhold my blood from the cup (should I ever find myself in that position!), mystery it may be.
Nonetheless I cant deny that i percieve my inmost impulse at this point to be selfish. I am reminded now of the promises from Nuit in Liber AL.
thanks again.
93 93/93
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@poor+blind+misfi said
" I wish to be all I can be. To fulfill all my potential. I wish this for my own happiness and that of those around me. I wish to hinder no one, and again to help anyone I can, but my primary motive in esoteric work has been self awareness, self knowledge, self improvement, ad infinitum into the depths of my SELF.
To me it seems that if I am able to realize my own potential, helping humanity will follow as if independantly of my own will. "
I would agree with you here, and I am in the same place myself. I think you will find these forums useful and the people that frequent them agreeable, knowledgeable, and always able to put a different spin on situations.
I really recommend reading as many threads as you possibly can; I have learned an immeasurable amount from slowly grinding my face into 5 or 6 years' worth of posts.
Welcome to the forum
93, 93/93