Where Am I?
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I have been studying and slowly gaining understanding of the thelemic system over the past three years. Needless to say, progress has been slow as I have no form of proper guidance. For a short period, I was in contact with someone who sent me a handful of files including his own scans of a full color Liber Pyramidos among other rituals and writings. This person has mysteriously severed contact which has left me a feeling again overwhelmed by the amount of things I am trying to attain understanding.
So, I've been reading on here lately and coming across a lot of useful information on things like K&C. This as well as the coming of spring with dramatic changes in my surroundings(the first week of spring snowed worse than the whole of winter!) has attuned me to what I can best describe as a synchronous waking life. Having never taken any official oaths as there is no A.'. A.'. near me geographically, I have no idea if I am even making progress or just succumbing to delusion. Does it even make a true difference?
תמד
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
Welcome!
@Joshua said
"I have been studying and slowly gaining understanding of the thelemic system over the past three years."
Good stuff.
"Needless to say, progress has been slow as I have no form of proper guidance."
It doesn't have to be so slow because of lack of external guidance. It does help a lot, of course.
"This person has mysteriously severed contact which has left me a feeling again overwhelmed by the amount of things I am trying to attain understanding."
With the internet you have everything you need to "understand" it intelectually.
"Having never taken any official oaths as there is no A.'. A.'. near me geographically, I have no idea if I am even making progress or just succumbing to delusion."
While being self-critical is good, having no idea is a bit of a stretch. However, you didn't mention your practices at all, just your studies, so it's hard to say anything.
"Does it even make a true difference?"
Yes, very. That isn't, however, an excuse to do no work.
Love is the law, love under will.
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Practices actually began prior to finding Thelema. I began experimenting with deep breathing excercises and visual meditation haphazardly around the age of 14 with some success to astral visions and lucid dreaming. I read a post here about how forcefully awakening kundalini energy can have damaging effects. In a sense I felt this happened to me due to early drug experimentation stemming from over obsession with altered states of consciousness. Where ever it was I went my nervous system has never been the same, calming the mind is notably more difficult because of various mental anxieties. Particularly, I find when I begin to reach to the state in which astral vision occurs my body will be alarmed by vibrational energy that forces me to withdraw myself, though I have begun to learn to surpass this. This feeling occurs during sleep often as well, and I do have a very very consistent and vivid dream recall.
I haven't been able to get into the ceremonial rituals I have middle pillar, pentagrams and hexagrams and some others but it is difficult for me. Things like jnana/raja yoga seem to make more sense, but I understand they probably have different purposes
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@Joshua said
"I read a post here about how forcefully awakening kundalini energy can have damaging effects. In a sense I felt this happened to me due to early drug experimentation stemming from over obsession with altered states of consciousness."
That didn't necessarily happen. (I would say "It likely hasn't.")
"I haven't been able to get into the ceremonial rituals I have middle pillar, pentagrams and hexagrams and some others but it is difficult for me."
Where does the difficulty lie?
"Things like jnana/raja yoga seem to make more sense, but I understand they probably have different purposes"
It depends on what you mean by "purpose." Ultimately, it's the same purpose. Raja Yoga would probably be good for you. See Liber E vel Exercitiorvm for starters.