The Middle Pillar & Emotional Control.
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Your name change at this juncture, and for this reason, is quite interesting. Before noticing that, and before reading about your meditations, I had concluded that the field of change producing these phenomena is Yesod. At a time when unbalanced Mars reactivity is surging, you have set aside a name representing the highest expressin of Mars, and taken up one that means "life" and refers to the field of Yesod.
My impression is that you have started an activity of stirring existing, unresolved content in Nefesh. Subconscious content is stirring reactivity. Your reactions, though likely stimulated by actual events, probably (on inspection) seem disproportionate to the actual event. That's a solid clue that you aren't reacting more than passingly to the present time event but, rather, to past events.
To some extent this is good - it represents a stirring and is preparation for a necessary cleansing before going on. But, of course, you don't want it to be unnecessarily extreme, not only because of the immediate impact on the people around you but also because going overboard actually compounds the reactivity store rather than relieving it.
It's a tricky balance, but self-witnessing, a sense of humor about yourself, and complete emotional honesty are likely to help you find the balance. The main thing is, in each situation, to witness the reactivity and that it's disproportionate to the situation, allow any honest chuckle about yourself. In time (on your own inner schedule of readiness), the roots of the old patterns will become more apparent - don't worry about rushing that.
Watch your psychological projections during this time, record them in your diary, and go back a day later to look into the mirror they present and see what you can see of yourself.
After the Middle Pillar (yes, stick with white light for now!), sit silently for 15 minutes and let the energies redistribute as you quietly witness your breathing.
Don't do any of the "circulation of force" exercises but, for the same purpose, end the Middle Pillar itself (before the meditation) with the Qabalistic Cross.
Starting to smoke again probably means that you uncomfortable with how you physically and emotionally feel, and you want to deaden it. Quit smoking, feel what's going on more, don't resist, and you'll learn some new things.
I don't know what your specific meditations on Yesod are, but I can at least say they are stirring something appropriate to Yesod! Beyond that, I can't comment.
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@Ankh said
"I have been doing the LBRP & the Ritual of the Middle Pillar four times a day, each time before each Solar Adoration."
In my opinion, that's way too much! You, of course, need to make your own decision about that. But (unless you are doing some special working for which you insert the MP in addition), I would usually not recommend somebody do the MP more than once a day (or, as a more extreme practice, twice per day, at opposite ends of the day).
IOW, I thing you're overdosing.
Nonetheless, you have to make your own decision on that. I'm only giving the opinion that you requested.
"I thought it was a coincident but apparently not. I didn’t know the name Ankh refers to Yesod."
"Ankh" means "life." It's equivalent to the Hebrew ChI, one of the Divine Names of Yesod; and the Sephirah refers to the biological animating part of the psyche.
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"It's a tricky balance, but self-witnessing, a sense of humor about yourself, and complete emotional honesty are likely to help you find the balance. The main thing is, in each situation, to witness the reactivity and that it's disproportionate to the situation, allow any honest chuckle about yourself. In time (on your own inner schedule of readiness), the roots of the old patterns will become more apparent - don't worry about rushing that."I was hoping that the middle pillar ritual would help me find the emotional balance. Maybe, I just need more time."
That ritual brings in higher velocities of Light. It is used primarily to hyper-charge the psyche and bring the energy down the planes. (I don't think of it as an equilibrating ritual in any direct way.) And, as Ann Davies frequently said, when Light strikes the psyche all patterns are energized, independent of whether we call them "good" or "bad."
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¡93!
Ankh, I've also been annoyed by previously-tolerable experiences, and taken refuge in habits I thought I'd already defeated (I drank, not smoked). This led me to look for my dissatisfaction within my attitude and outlook.
I discovered that everything which annoyed me, had power over me...and I was the only one providing that power! I chose to interact differently, "experimentally", with people and phenomena with which I had a relationship built on assumptions (I always hate going shopping with my wife, I never feel like emptying the dishwasher, I shouldn't have to deal with that asshole at work...I'm sure you have a similar list). It made life feel (for lack of a better word) intentional, again. Behaving in such an "everything is up for reinterpretation" fashion makes me feel awake and alive; I recommend it.
You have quite a practice. Perhaps your smoking is acting out, your ego asserting independence...an escape valve from your powerful super ego.
Why stop with Yesod? Maybe meditating on other sephiroth would spin you different directions.
93, 93/93.
-bbb
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@Leaping Laughter said
"Why stop with Yesod? Maybe meditating on other sephiroth would spin you different directions."
I don't think he said he was stopping there, but I think one principle that applies here is: Don't interrupt a process that is underway. Let it complete first. Otherwise, you're just burying and escaping under the illusion of "moving on."
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"I think maybe on some level I just wanted to get results. And results I got! "
Aaaah. As always, be careful what you wish for!
An early motto of mine was "I Crave This Over-Coming!". Took me several years to realize all the static I was generating was in service to my motto. [sigh]
¡Enjoy!
-bbb
