Tears and the Rain
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The other night I argued with my Mother, with whom I have not had a close relationship in a very long time. I did not want to argue, as that is not my way, but some demon has infested this person and they can no longer hear. I wanted them to understand and to listen, to know they were loved and they had a reason to be, but they would not listen. She talked of things such as dying and wishing death upon herself, feeling her life was over, but I persisted until hung up on. In utter frustration knowing she is across the country away from me, and from my love for her, once off the phone, I began to cry uncontrollably, wanting to save her, to banish their her and make her understand why Life is beautiful, and that she has so much more to look forward too.
Perhaps it was because I had not cried in an age, or perhaps it was just simply because of the feeling of utter helplessness, but I could not get my tears under control, and they continued to pour down, until almost an hour later, a good friend of mine was able to console me and calm my soul once more. I was frustrated and out of control. I wasn't just upset about my mom, but other things to do with Malkuth and material things, I was upset about my inability to connect with the A A and that no one would acknowledge all the work I had already done nearly 10 years ago. So many things too numerous to list here, but those were the big ones.
Have you ever had a feeling that something or someone was talking "through" you? I have, on four occassions, this being one of them, and it has been a silent voice for many years. But my friend, wanting to move my mind onto other matters asked me what we should do for the evening, and the voice through me said, "It is going to downpour for all the tears I have cried, so that my mother may understand and that I may be renewed." That is not something that I would ever typically say, and my friend giggled some, saying that I was cheesy.
After laughing at me, they mentioned that there was not a cloud in the sky and that it was not supposed to rain, although it would be nice because of the humidity.
That night we went about our ritual together, after going off into the deep woods (it is a personal ritual that I made, but very powerful), and then meditated upon the campfire we had built, until the fire was embers. Then we made the long trek back to my house. When we got here, the sun was just starting to crest the skyline coming up, and we were exhausted, tired, and sweating like mad from the walking and humidity. My friend sat on my front porch step and I laid on my back, in the grass, staring up at the sky in its shades of dark blue, with hints of lighter colors coming through, and my friend said, "I thought you were going to make it rain" I had forgotten completely about it.
I just smiled, but then went into a Deep trance more quickly than I have been able in years. It was as if I was taken there, I don't know how else to explain it (although personally, I feel it is my HGA). could feel millions of rays of light entering my body, one from each star left in the dwindling night sky, infinite numbers. My cell walls broke down, my sense of bodily existence ended, I was illumination, a 3D projection of cosmic light; and I became heavily excited as again, I had not had an experience this powerful in almost 8 years.
I remembered the idea of the divine “spark,” the descriptions of white
light, the Clear Light of the Bardos, a light I had seen before in my Rising on the Planes work. I was everyone, and everything at once, and this all happened in a matter of less than 3 minutes. I understood my lifetime’s sense of disconnection and disorder was not a flaw, but rather a wondrous gift to allow experience, and it was then that it happened....From what three to five minutes before was a cloudless sky, raindrops began to fall. As they hit my face I came back, descending from Where I Was. I could hear my friend as if distant say, "I knew you could do it." The rain came harder. I'm not saying I made it rain, but the rain made me remember.
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.