Uni_Verse
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I was born September 1, 1982 to a Sicilian immigrant and an Irish lass.
They named me Marc Antonio Romano,
My Father wanted to name me Antonio, so he called me Antonio throughout my youth
My Mother wanted to name me Marc, so she called me Marc throughout my youthSome of you may have all ready read of my traumatic birth.
Only the beginning of a traumatic childhood.
As my father abused me physically, my mother psychologically.
My one Light in the world was my Grand Mother, who lived in our basement
I spent as much time with her as I could
When I discovered her dead body at the age of three I had my first thoughts of suicide
At that point I became extremely dissociated from my body and emotionsWhen I started pre-school they had to bar the windows and doors.
Keep a constant eye on me...
It was my only opportunity to escape my parents, as they all ways kept their eyes on me.
Unfortunately I never succeeded.By kindergarden I began to show the temper and violent behaviors learned from my Father
I was not allowed to have a desk and had to keep my hands visible at all times
Despite this, I was intelligent and the allowed me in the best classes...
As I did have a voracious hunger to learn, people just needed to be careful around meSmart enough, was I that I began to hide my violent behavior.
Be nice and quiet when people around.
Very quiet, barely ever speaking, living inside a world created in my head.
Filled with violent, dark, horrifying things the kind that drove people mad.
Acting them out when there was no one to witnessAt five, I woke up early one Christmas day to find my mother putting toys under the tree from a Toys-R-Us bag.
She had Santa had left them for her to put out... they were not even what I asked for.
I was sick of all the lies I was being told,
I declared that there was no God
And began to seek truthI started with Greek philosophers, most especially Socrates.
So great was my Love for him I began to emulate him, get into even more trouble
Constantly asking questions, the bane of every authority figure
That is when I started to get beat up by people other than my fatherBy Junior High I managed to convince my parents to get me a computer.
I quickly became adept at the use of computers, began exploring the internet.
It never got angry at me for asking it questions.
I traveled deeper , deeper, hungry for more and more.
I saw the dark shadow of Man, the Lights they bask in behind the veil of anonymity.
Finding people ever sicker, more disgusting than me.
I assimilated their ideas, I became a monster.I began to role play a lot later in Junior High, continuing through high-school.
It allowed me to live out my fantasies in a way, ones of rape killing and murder.
I began to pretend that I was other people in real life.
Becoming mixed up in Gorean role playing, both online and off.
For those unfamiliar there is a series of poorly written books about a world called Gor.
On this world men rule and woman are slaves.
At the time there were many people bringing Gor to life...
Although I was only fourteen when I started, I looked older and easily slipped into the part.
Getting heavily into the Slave and Master dichotomy
My entire life became one big debauchery, filled with sex and drugs
All the sensual pleasure there was to be had...
Yet, at the same time I felt nothingThe line between fantasy and reality began to blur
(There are many things I can not speak of)I discovered Nietzsche in my third year of High School
At 17, in a ... strangers house, I picked up a copy of Thus Spoke Zarathustra
The reading of it is what I might say was my first Religious experience
It effected me, still effects me, in ways I can not begin to explain
I realized all the pain and agony I had caused
How horrible of a monster I had become...
(Oh! And it was so obvious, they did not think I knew.. but I knew...
It whispers they called me the Mon-Star)I wandered aimlessly...
Where before I had abused, I allowed my self to be abused
Allowing people to walk all over me, do as they pleased
I was not worthy of any nice things
Love and affection were not for meI then met a girl...
A wonderful girl, who I call my Mother
As she is the first person I can say I ever really cared for
Loved ? I can not say, I did not know what Love is
Then one day she unexpectedly said it was overThere was sadness, suffering so deep...
It made all things before it pale in comparison
I drank, only drank for three days straight
An attempt to drown my SelfBarely conscious, laying on some foreign stairs
My phone began to ring,
It was one of the people I could truely call friend
They came, picked me up, fed me
They put on a video, "What the Bleep"
It brought me into a tranceI became obsessed with quantum theory
Devouring book after book after book
Learning how thoughts, ideas can effect reality
I wondered what manner of method might let me do this...
I stumbled upon MagickBeing very science minded I wanted techniques, no theory
I will make my own theory, based on my own experiences
I went to order Initiation into Hermetics
It would take two months to arrive!
I needed something at that moment...
I saw , as a suggestion THE BOOK OF THE LAW
By Aliester Crowley... The name of my favorite Ozzy song!
So I decided to buy it, receiving it the next dayThe reading of it changed me completely and utterly
All my life I had been searching something
Searching without knowing... AND THIS WAS ITI immediately dedicated my life to Magick & Mystcism
Tossing aside care for anything else, and never did I want
My entire life becoming one great meditation,
One great offering, sacrifice unto NuI then came to experience something no Word scan describe
Witnessed a beauty, so extra-ordinary...
So wonderful...
It was a state I wished to abide in Bliss, forever and ever
Until the end of the end of the end of DaysThis state was the thing I truly sought
An escape, a way to purely escape this world of suffering and sorrow
As I readied to take the step across the threshold, I hesitated
I stopped
I returned to what men call The UniverseWhy was I worthy of such Bliss?
What had I done, who was nothing but a Monster?
Having spent many years in seclusion, mixing with people yet never really there
I swept through them like Air, ever doing the WorkThis was something I had to share
Something I had to teach
But how?
I had done it by Myself, as I had all ways done things
The answer was suddenly obvious : I must be taughtAnd so I gave up all my attainments I had aquired
I choose to begin the Work a new
I sought initiation, to go through the Ordeals
Find a teacher, be taught:
To bring that great Word unto the cities,
Yea! That great Word unto the cities.TL; DR : I am the Uni Verse
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My name is Alan Michel, but my father calls me Michel and my mother and friends call me Alan.
Reading you short biography and issues, I suggest you look for psycotherapy (Regardie gives me a thumb!). It does not hurt and help us to find where the real problem is. It also gives us a big help in the first A.'.A.'. steps â usually people have a problem to look within themselves.
Nice to meet you!
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Greetings Alan!
@Alan Willms said
"Reading you short biography and issues, I suggest you look for psycotherapy (Regardie gives me a thumb!). It does not hurt and help us to find where the real problem is. It also gives us a big help in the first A.'.A.'. steps â usually people have a problem to look within themselves."
Quite a lot of details missing :
I see it as a snap shot of the particular issues I am dealing with in some way or another.@Alan Willms said
"Nice to meet you!
"An honor and a pleasure!
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During my youth, I suffered a social pathology derived from a series of traumatic events, beginning with my birth.
Built upon the axiom : Things Out-Side Me Hurt Me
Eventually evolving into the Buddhist notion of existence as sorrow.
A skin shed upon accepting the LAW -
It is a pleasure to know you Universe,
And a pleasure to know you better.
I didn't see this when you first posted or I would have already responded.
I just finished a nice book that really laid out some cool ideas for me in regards to my own pattern of behavior which has to do with what is called Harm Avoidance. Your latest post seemed to me similar to me with that issue so I thought I would share the term.
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@Angel of Death said
"It is a pleasure to know you Universe,
And a pleasure to know you better.
I didn't see this when you first posted or I would have already responded.
I just finished a nice book that really laid out some cool ideas for me in regards to my own pattern of behavior which has to do with what is called Harm Avoidance. Your latest post seemed to me similar to me with that issue so I thought I would share the term.
"I held off replying to this at the time as I figured "I will do it when I add more to it"
Latter though all ready in my mind, though I did not think it would take this long!
Any way:I have appreciated and greatly enjoyed our interactions on this forum.
It has been a true honor and pleasure to share your company, in even so little a way.This time I thought to go a little deeper into the history of my practices,
A sort of meditation and remembering,
For it is so easy to forget, that - THAT experience was mine!Before having "discovered" magickal and mystical practices,
I do not recall having ever experienced bliss, true contentment
At least not of the sort that they have granted me
Though it has been a long road with many ups and downs...
Learning not to jump into the fire, for my sake and yours
While deeply inspired by The Book of the Law
As well as the Book of Lies (I forgot to mentioned I ordered that with the Book of the Law)
I had no real practical knowledge of how to pursue the path
There was also a good deal of time before Intiation arrived!I decided to do what ever felt natural,
Rather what seemed "right" when it came to meditation
Sitting my self in full lotus, despite all the pain
I was hardcore ! (stupid that is )
Clearing my mind by pure force of WILL
Years would pass before I could even begin to describe what I experiencedI was diligent in my studies of the Hermetic sciences
Building up slowly over time, sealing myself completely and utterly away from the universe
My practice having become yogic in character
Rejecting society, along with it my self , all the negative thoughts and emotions I could not control
That tortured me on a daily basisMagick only came into play upon the attainment of Enlightenemnt
Enlightenment, to me, being a state where a being seeks only the Beloved
Where in I began to feel Selfish, I was still a horrible person (obviously not really enlightened?)
As I had gained infinite wonder, pleasure for my self
What of all the other people ?
What about those who still suffer from my previous actions?Whether this thoughts preceded performance of Magick ritual
Or was the result of my doing so, I am unsure
I do know I did not begin reintegration into society until after I began regularly practicing the LBRPAn idea long stuck in my head is something akin to a Thelemic Monstary...
While in my fantasy it is off on a mountain top, tucked in a forest
I have recently had a more "realistic" vision one nestled into a city street
A place of learning where Seekers of all types are welcome to stay a while and share their ideas
Or even perform, where it be their practices, hyms, what ever they wish
Essentially create a Thelemic community within, at the heart of humanityThe type of place EVERY ONE loves to go (two)
Yet NO ONE ever admits they did