Blockages in moving forward.
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This sort of thing is so hard to answer in a forum environment. I don't know you, your history, your ex, etc. One thing I don't know is your actual tone in this communication - how it would sound coming out of your mouth in a conversation, how your body holds itself when you think and talk about the subject, etc. This is really something you need to discuss with someone in person - whether a friend, a mentor, a therapist, etc.
But I'll take a stab at it.
As best I can tell from reading between the lines of your post, you're presenting yourself as if we should be really worried about you. But I don't believe it. I'm not convinced we really have to worry about you in this matter. I think you'll be fine. You may need some help getting over the hump of the separation, though.
I don't know if you're inherently obsessive. Do you display obsessiveness in other parts of your life? In other things? I don't know how the relationship ended, or how many relationships you've had and how they've ended, or what might make this one different from the others (if it is). - If you don't behave obsessively in other areas of your life, you'll probably do fine here. Just give it some time.
You can try once or twice a day intentional physical relaxation - the muscle-by-muscle through the whole body type (that can be found in numerous books) - followed by 10-15 miutes of quietly sitting and witnessing your breath flow in and out.
Here's a specific technique: It's easier to let go of one thing once you become caught up in something else. It's hard to just let go of a thing, but easier to replace it with something new that holds your interest. While it is surely too soon to start a new relationship, you would benefit from finding something new that totally absorbs your interest - and throwing yourself into it.
Breakups suck. You seem not yet ready to be done with the relationship. But if it's over, accept that. If you find yourself fantasizing that you're going to get back together, or find yourself in behaviors that seem to be maintaining a relationship with her of some sort (even if it's just in your head), make yourself stop. Just stop! Just notice every time you are fantasizing about her and tell yourself to stop, change your mind, change channel.
@dknight93 said
"maybe because I did not trust her due to her lack of loyalty that surfaced a year ago"
It doesn't matter anymore. It's over.
PS - It's evident that you really don't trust yourself. There's some way you feel you will let yourself down, some way that you're actually being disloyal to yourself. (On this, I'm 100% certain.) Think about that. Put your attention on your own betrayal of yourself.
"We really spent almost all our free time together .We were with each other almost the entire week except for when we really could not."
Go different places than where you went with her. Do different things.
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There's a great book I'm reading called Undefended Love. www.amazon.com/Undefended-Love-Jett-Psaris/dp/1572242086
I'm finding it very helpful, because it is very much about how to get beyond the protective layers of personality, to a place of essence and authenticity, in the context of relationships.
In practical terms, the book might approach your situation something like this:
We have compensatory personality traits that we've adopted to protect us from painful fears about ourselves. When something threatens this arrangement, we feel awful, until we are able to bolster that compensatory personality, and regain our normal pattern.
A breakup is a painful situation that triggers a different reaction for each person, based on our personality. For you, the reaction is to try to gain information obsessively. This is a way of trying to gain control and power, in a situation that threatens your security. So you might ponder you reaction to flush out your root fears being triggered. They might be fears of being powerless or helpless. You could do exercises to help you become aware of these mechanisms, and begin to move to a deeper layer of yourself, where these fears and compensation methods don't matter.
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I was with her for 14 months .It ended because of trust Issue's .We were really close .
Yea not that much though.I think its really subconscious .Because I have been programming my self exaggerating her existence .Thinking she is my soulmate or something.I don't think I could be consciously be presenting myself in a certain way to attract a certain result.
I'm not obsessive otherwise.I have been in 9 relationships before this and have been with many girls besides her .They all ended pretty easily and I moved on quite easily maybe barring one because she lied to me so I spent a little time finding out the truth but nothing even remotely compared to this .I think I am only obsessive about her .It's a weaker side of me .It's pretty obsessive .It is about the sensations I felt within with her , with her help .I guess I was dependent on her for sensations that make my astral body feel complete. Unlocking some sensations which made me feel special.
Thanks for the exercises . I will start practicing them.
Everything you mentioned is the worst scenario .I don't want to feel these things.I just sense hopes thats it
@Jim Eshelman said
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PS - It's evident that you really don't trust yourself. There's some way you feel you will let yourself down, some way that you're actually being disloyal to yourself. (On this, I'm 100% certain.) Think about that. Put your attention on your own betrayal of yourself.
"I don't believe so .Or I don't fully understand what your saying
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Av gave you a good recommendation and some GREAT insights. (Good post, Av!)
As for the last point... just think about it for a couple of weeks. Do the exercises I suggested and, after they're comfortable, end them with presenting to yourself the proposition that you are being disloyal to yourself and see where that thought stream goes.
You'll be fine, BTW (based on the extra information you provided). Give it six months before you worry about yourself too much. Your soul is whole - she just gave you the splendid gift of showing it to you in a way you hadn't seen before. Now it's in your hands.
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@Jim Eshelman said
"Av gave you a good recommendation and some GREAT insights. (Good post, Av!)"
Thanks!
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Before going to pick up my stuff , She said to me "I mean you don't even understand how hard this is for me..
Attachment.
Obsession.
Expectation.
and then trust."She says its like an invasion of privacy that makes her not feel safe.
She thinks I'm obsessed with her and the situation and is telling me that she just needs her space right now and wants to move on with her life and suggests I do the same .
I don't want to be looked at like this is makes me feel like a bad person . I tried I don't want anything to do with her .It makes me get scared of my own self .I need this feeling to go away .
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"if you talk to other women you will see that no one woman is special......"
Bull.....
Complete BSIf you communicate (talk and listen) to other HUMAN beings (regardless of sex) you will ( or should if you are a healthy person) see that that everyone is special.
And that demands of you to see yourself as special, and to act accordingly.
Heres a good quote, not sure of the source.
people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Its up to you to decide which.The chemicals that our body creates are highly addicting, espicially the good ones we equal with sex and love, so much so that in a very real way, we expierence withdrawl when we no longer feel them, and we long and crave for that.
But, you made those chemicals, she was only the messenger. You can feel that way again, if you choose.
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
@kasper81 said
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@dknight93 said
"I don't want to be looked at like this is makes me feel like a bad person . I tried I don't want anything to do with her .It makes me get scared of my own self .I need this feeling to go away ."If you talk to other women you will see that no one woman is special. Stop thinking women are goddesses or angels. They are not: angels dont need to eat food and use a toilet to sh.it: angels and goddesses dont grow old or grow facial hair or complain and most importantly they are DISMEBODIED. If you go out and talk to different women .eg.. "excuse me i saw you over there i think you're really attractive and i would like your number" then you will get over this self inflicted masochistic unhealthy thrill, Be a man and do this and you will see in a few weeks how embarrasing this thread will look. This is a Thelema forum here we are hard on ourselves here we work hard and we test our limits we dont waste our time on lovesick trances. Do some magical work and do this other task
cheers"
That is so chauvinistic, to say the least. And it's funny you mentioned "this is a Thelema forum", since I find your "view" very un-Thelemic.
Love is the law, love under will.
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
If you say so. But it's hard to believe, as you tend to despise women whenever you get the chance. I still disagree with you, regardless. How one is supposed to have a healthy and loving relationship without valuing his partner? And yes, I know the topic is about a guy who is not in a relationship anymore. I could go on explaining my point, but a word to the wise is enough.
Anyway, sorry for helping derailing the thread. You guys can go on now.
Love is the law, love under will.
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@kasper81 said
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@Veronica said
""if you talk to other women you will see that no one woman is special......"
Bull.....
Complete BS
If you communicate (talk and listen) to other HUMAN beings (regardless of sex) you will ( or should if you are a healthy person) see that that everyone is special."sigh
what?"!
Are you aware of what this thread is about? It's about a lovesick male stuck in a rut because he has put ONE PARTICULAR FEMALE on a pedestal. That is the context. Yknow he's in a socio sexual rut becasue he is sitting around thinking about her when he needs to talk to to other women and yeah people if you will but women especially and not on forums
dont you get that?"If you truelly live your life according to the statement you gave.....
Your gonna end up a sad lonely person.
Yet, for example
I live my life the exact opposite, seeing each person as special...always
And have handfuls of love, and beautiful relationships with my ex's....And when I have parted ways with people, I give my self a time to mourn and a time for reflection upon my own behaviors in a chance to refine them and clarify them.
In this time of reflection we sometimes improperly recondition our behaviors to unhealthy, unbalanced patterns of thought. I see your blanket statement that no woman is special, as a very good example of negative thought patterns that can quickly be reinforced and solidified into a very sad reality. yet in this time of reflection we also have the pssiblity to toss aside old behaviors that no longer serve us and adopt new thoughts ie my statement that everyone is special, and therefore the world is filled with great people just waiting to be met.
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@Avshalom Binyamin said
"
We have compensatory personality traits that we've adopted to protect us from painful fears about ourselves. When something threatens this arrangement, we feel awful, until we are able to bolster that compensatory personality, and regain our normal pattern.A breakup is a painful situation that triggers a different reaction for each person, based on our personality. For you, the reaction is to try to gain information obsessively. This is a way of trying to gain control and power, in a situation that threatens your security. So you might ponder you reaction to flush out your root fears being triggered. They might be fears of being powerless or helpless. You could do exercises to help you become aware of these mechanisms, and begin to move to a deeper layer of yourself, where these fears and compensation methods don't matter."
True there was a sense of lack of trust that was created when she cheated on me and that triggered a lack of trust because I dint want to keep telling her that I did not trust her , I kept tabs on her instead .That made me feel like I was one step ahead .I realize now that this is not a competition and whats the point of being in love with someone if you have to be one step ahead of them .I realized these things too late .Three days after the breakup and came clean to her and she just wanted me to leave her alone and not to justify anything .
I learned from this whole experience that I must never hold back any of my feelings to create a false sense of security because the fact is that she loved me and she would have still loved me if I was not one step ahead.Gaining information is not going to give me any kind of control because Control is just an illusion in a relationship .I am working on my intuition instead .following it so that I don't have to live with regrets but I still find myself regretting not discovering these things a week or so ago I could have saved my relationship.
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You might find the Enneagram personality typing system useful, especially personality type 5. One of the core lessons for that personality is avoiding the temptation to replace actual experiences with mental constructs. That sounds pretty similar to what you're mentioning.
From personal experience, I've had a lot of issues with insecurity and self-doubt. I decide not to act on my feelings when they crop up. I sit with them, and just ponder the thread of causation. Like you are now. When I reach a deeper level of security, I make my decisions of how to act then. The insecurity hasn't gone away (it can still get triggered), but it does take back seat, and it can be disarmed.
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@kasper81 said
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@dknight93 said
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I don't want to be looked at like this is makes me feel like a bad person . I tried I don't want anything to do with her .It makes me get scared of my own self .I need this feeling to go away ."If you talk to other women you will see that no one woman is special. Stop thinking women are goddesses or angels. They are not: angels dont need to eat food and use a toilet to sh.it: angels and goddesses dont grow old or grow facial hair or complain and most importantly they are DISMEBODIED. If you go out and talk to different women .eg.. "excuse me i saw you over there i think you're really attractive and i would like your number" then you will get over this self inflicted masochistic unhealthy thrill, Be a man and do this and you will see in a few weeks how embarrasing this thread will look. This is a Thelema forum here we are hard on ourselves here we work hard and we test our limits we dont waste our time on lovesick trances. Do some magical work and do this other task
cheers"
You are right I did exaggerate her existence .But that does not mean that I am not on my way to meeting other women .You have to understand that I made her my whole life for over a year therefore reflection is necessary or I will have her again with another face . I let it sideline all my friends and therefore now I am first spending time reconnecting with them. I have understood never to give so much power to anybody again .Cause she had people at the back who just wanted to have fun but I never did because even before we got together I was only thinking about her .I realize now how unhealthy that is .And it is my life and no one else should have so much control over it but me .
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@Avshalom Binyamin said
"You might find the Enneagram personality typing system useful, especially personality type 5. One of the core lessons for that personality is avoiding the temptation to replace actual experiences with mental constructs. That sounds pretty similar to what you're mentioning.
From personal experience, I've had a lot of issues with insecurity and self-doubt. I decide not to act on my feelings when they crop up. I sit with them, and just ponder the thread of causation. Like you are now. When I reach a deeper level of security, I make my decisions of how to act then. The insecurity hasn't gone away (it can still get triggered), but it does take back seat, and it can be disarmed."
True I totally get what you mean .I reached the deeper level of security by acceptance . I was worried of what people would think of me and stuff but I really accepted myself because I did not want to be perfect or anything of the sort in peoples minds .I have the courage to know that I am a human being and I find ways of fulfilling my needs and they are not always right but if i dint try then how would I know .I am an eternal learner .I am both light and dark and I now find all of me beautiful .Your right the insecurity does pop up but thinking or meditating to eventually become lucid and then approaching the situation helps .
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@Uni_Verse said
"You ended a heavy entanglement,
A lot of energy to be redirected
Keeps falling into old habits
Now is the time to make new ones centered on Self"This is what I really want to do .I'm looking into ways of understanding my mental , my emotional and my physical body .Understand my belief system .Reprogram it to maximum efficiency and make myself strong enough to not be so naive to give how much I am getting to ensure a balance a little up and down is okay but trying to make it unconditional so I lose myself in it is not a good idea.I'm trying to build a belief system based on Aleister Crowley's way of thinking and the Thelemic religion which is free of insecurities and fear (except fear itself).Any advice or resources that would help me do this would be lovely
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They say it takes at least 6 months to get over the loss of a relationship. There is some brain chemistry involved, and it can be very much like attempting to break an addiction - and seeking to have it again - and seeking to break it again, etc.. So, yeah, there is a lot of emotional back and forth before somethings just finally "breaks" or "clicks" and you feel done. That addiction analogy (if it IS only an analogy and not a brain-chemical fact) is worth spending time with. You may need to make that addiction your enemy - if you are able yet to decide you don't want it and determine that you will not allow yourself to want it.
Being betrayed in a relationship can make a person very insecure and can lead to the great quest for "WHY? WHY? WHY!!" and "Can it be fixed and had again?!" It can be really difficult to overcome, and it can't be overcome unless the other person is very willing to work with the insecurity and mistrust they created. Such willingness isn't that common because it means the betrayer has to endure being constantly reminded of their betrayal and the insecurity it caused in the betrayed. There has to be a pretty serious commitment there on their part.
just thoughts...
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@kasper81 said
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@Veronica said
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the world is filled with great people just waiting to be met."exactly!! Ironically enough that is what i said i just expressed that idea in a different manner.
@Veronica said
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the world is filled with great people just waiting to be met."i know it you know it he (dknight93 the OP) doesn't....... so tell him to get out there and meet them
Now you get my point right?"ironically-you didnt say that.....but you meant to, which is what motivated me to respond to your sentence.
I try to refrain from telling people what to do, not my temperment.....
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@Bereshith said
"They say it takes at least 6 months to get over the loss of a relationship. There is some brain chemistry involved, and it can be very much like attempting to break an addiction - and seeking to have it again - and seeking to break it again, etc.. So, yeah, there is a lot of emotional back and forth before somethings just finally "breaks" or "clicks" and you feel done. That addiction analogy (if it IS only an analogy and not a brain-chemical fact) is worth spending time with. You may need to make that addiction your enemy - if you are able yet to decide you don't want it and determine that you will not allow yourself to want it.
Being betrayed in a relationship can make a person very insecure and can lead to the great quest for "WHY? WHY? WHY!!" and "Can it be fixed and had again?!" It can be really difficult to overcome, and it can't be overcome unless the other person is very willing to work with the insecurity and mistrust they created. Such willingness isn't that common because it means the betrayer has to endure being constantly reminded of their betrayal and the insecurity it caused in the betrayed. There has to be a pretty serious commitment there on their part.
just thoughts..."
I always believed she was someone who she was really not because of our past encounters and when she cheated on me .I was totally not prepared for it .This somehow could have lead to the fears of being powerless or helpless .Maybe she was right about expectations , that they do cause disappointment .Maybe it was the fear of disappointment that made me do the things I did.She said everybody lies everybody cheats but you don't go around monitoring the other person.What is okay to expect in a relationship ?
