Invoking without initiation
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Thanks for the suggestions Gnosomai,
I've been thinking along the lines of what you suggest. I'm ok with doing the basics for a long while because I'm the kind of person who likes to understand something thoroughly. I guess my big issue with invocation and initiation is knowing how to measure my progress. I mean having a physical sensation or a vision of some sort is one thing, but I don't know how to gauge if Im doing things correctly especially when I guess I don't get the fruit of what I try to invoke.My tarot invocation seems inconsistent when I read for myself especially. I wondered if HRU isn't too interested in me since I'm not connected to any magical current. If I just pick up the cards and make up some stuff then I feel like I'm wasting my time. It's the same with invocation to gain money, success in life etc - I feel power during the invocation but I don't get a result. I wonder also if all this wanting is like being a big spoilt baby but at the same time I don't want to let the vision of my life overwhelm me. I want to make my will shape my world and I want some power too.
I think about AC when he was old and needing money to get his teeth fixed in dreary cold old England and I worry if magic is just a sporadic and unreliable thing. I've always found my intuition and magick to be a bit inconsistent but still real nonetheless. I guess that's a big fear for me that basically I'll read, study, practice.. And nothing will be behind the veil for me. I see most religions spending most of their time making excuses for their deities and denying themselves, and I don't want to take that path.
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@Sean White said
"I think about AC when he was old and needing money to get his teeth fixed in dreary cold old England and I worry if magic is just a sporadic and unreliable thing. I've always found my intuition and magick to be a bit inconsistent but still real nonetheless. I guess that's a big fear for me that basically I'll read, study, practice.. And nothing will be behind the veil for me. I see most religions spending most of their time making excuses for their deities and denying themselves, and I don't want to take that path."
Are your doubts because he wasn't able to generate the money, or something else?
If it's the money thing, this is actually an example of the extreme consistency of magick, not the opposite. When Crowley was young and naïve, he took a magical oath that, if only he would be allowed to attain, he would give all wealth, all love, etc. He didn't have to take the oath (that is, no external authority required it), it's just what burst out of his then-Christian soul. However, he did take it, and the core truth of a genuine magical oath is that the universe accepts it and, thereafter, it defines the parameters of your existence.
He did attain - more than almost anyone in the history of the world, it seems - and, in exchange (his offer, which the universe automatically accepted) he expended his wealth to the Great Work and then was left without it. He never had a persistent love relationship and barely had anything resembling a persisting friend. And so on.
The magick never stopped working.
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A brief comment, based on what I have read here White:
Keep up with the banishings, pick up some more purifying rituals.
This will clean out the "dirty" feeling when you invoke (over time)
The feinting should also be reduced, though that may require practicing the particular invocation. -
@Sean White said
"I've found that a lot of articles on Thelema and magick in general seem somewhat unreliable at least to me. The Golden Dawn sites I've looked are pretty angry places and not very useful..."
What I find ridiculous is that, when I started searching for a door 15 years ago, the landscape was exactly the same as it is today. This forum (aside from the occasional post on LAShTAL) really is the only place online where I've found people actually engaging in the Work and willing to offer useful, non-dogmatic guidance to others.
"I'm ok with doing the basics for a long while because I'm the kind of person who likes to understand something thoroughly. I guess my big issue with invocation and initiation is knowing how to measure my progress. I mean having a physical sensation or a vision of some sort is one thing, but I don't know how to gauge if Im doing things correctly especially when I guess I don't get the fruit of what I try to invoke."
Get Out Of My Head!!!
But seriously, the thing I've been learning over the past year or so (and no, the learning has not been easy) is that you really just have to trust that it is in you to judge whether you are doing it right or not. Not in your day-to-day self or your personality mask, but in your True Self. Teachers/gurus are a great thing to have and if/when you find your own door to initiation, you might have the fortune to work with a good one. But, ultimately, they can only offer guidance, suggestions, structure. At the end of the day, it is your True Self that is the teacher. And, if you put your trust in that (dare I say, faith?) you will start to notice that It is there to guide you aright.
Or at least, that's what's been happening for me, a guy who, since he was about 9 years old and realized his family were a bunch of idiots for believing that a guy actually walked on water, has balanced on the thin line between agnosticism and atheism. A scientific materialist throughout.
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@Gnosomai Emauton said
"If you are looking for guidance towards a plan of action, have a chat with Al-Shariyf. He's more than a few steps ahead of me on the path and his posts have definitely helped me to sort out a lot of what's what."
Thank you
@Sean White said
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I don't trust any websites aside from this one. If you have any recommendations, please let me know."Thanks for all of your responses Sean. I do not know of any other reputable online communities or websites aside from this one so I wouldn't be able to recommend one to you. That's not to say that they aren't out there, I just haven't found any.
On the other hand, what is valuable for your training and development as a magician is and can only be determined by you. What may occur for you as insignificant, untrustworthy and irrelevant now may, at a later point in time, occur as invaluable and of the utmost importance and that which you hold near and dear now will lose the significance you currently place on it.
@Sean White said
"I've found that a lot of articles on Thelema and magick in general seem somewhat unreliable at least to me. The Golden Dawn sites I've looked are pretty angry places and not very useful.
I have a lot of books. I have most of Dion Fortune's books, I've read pretty much everything by Israel Regardie but I'm not a great fan of all of his work, I've read all the Equinoxes besides the commentary on the Holy Books which I've just bought. I read the book of Thoth regularily for many years and I've just bought "The Law is for all". I've read "Magick without tears" and Magick (book 4) too. I have 777 and 776 1/2 and I really like both of those books. I have Visions and Voices by Jim Eshelmann too and that is very good but I find it a bit overwhelming.
I've got a lot of Lon Milo DuQuette's books but aside from his book on the Thoth tarot and his own tarot deck and it's book, I don't really enjoy his books. I read "Initiation in the aeon of the child" and I really didn't like it. I read Kenneth Grant's "Nightside of Eden" and was very disappointed in it and I don't intend to read any more of his work. I've read Frater Achad's QBL and I liked it, but he seemed a bit like Kenneth Grant.
I've read most of the AA first grade reading list but I don't like the I Ching or Taoism. I find Elphias Levi to be frustrating.
I have an interesting book by David Griffin called "The Ritual Magic Manual" and that has all the step by step instructions for all the first order GD material so I refer to this quite a bit. The author fights a lot of people from his website but the book seems good."
Pearls of Wisdom has an excellent primer on the Thelema and a kick ass chapter that thoroughly outlines a certain Frater's successful completion of the Abramelin Operation. You'll want to add that book to your collection.
I also recommend heading over to thelema.org/publications/index.html and reading the issues of Black Pearl and In The Continuum.
I could recommend many many more things to read and so can everyone else here but reading will only get you so far. There are things you will learn from direct experience and there are things you will learn from sharing your experiences with the community here that you won't be able to find in any book.
"What rituals are you performing?"
@Sean White said
"Mainly just the qabalastic cross and the lesser banishing of the pentagram.
I've tried invoking and banishing planetary forces and that seemed ok. I have trouble with sephirothic invocations that go above tipareth but I'm ok with Binah. I'm very reluctant to go near Enochian magic as it seems very powerful and I don't understand it. I like Regardie's Middle Pillar exercises. More than anything, I'm always invoking HRU."
A thought passed through my mind yesterday while I was pondering on my own magical regimen. It was: "For every invocation, there must be a banishing. If there is a banishing, there must be an invocation". The idea of balance and equilibrium has been on my mind ever since. I'm not ashamed to admit that my current regimen needs to be taken apart and re-assembled so I can re-ground myself in the fundamentals and operate consistent with that inner instruction. I'm leaving it here for you as a contribution to your own regimen.
Enochian magick, Planetary magick, Sephorithic magick all have their places in the grand scheme of your Great Work. But, if I were you, I would concentrate on the basics. Pentagram rituals (invoking and banishing), Middle Pillars and basic meditation practices.
They'll teach you things like patience, consistency, balance, resilience, focus, concentration and a slew of other non-sexy things that'll fortify you so that you can accomplish the Great Work.
"Are you performing invocations for divination purposes?"
@Sean White said
"Yes, I practice tarot for divination and I always perform the invocation to HRU. I read tarot or meditate on the cards every day and I love tarot. I would like to know how to do better invocation when it comes to tarot but there isn't any serious information available. I suspect I would invoke Tipareth and use HRU's sigil but since I don't really know I haven't tried it. I find that my divination is greatly affected by my emotions especially when it comes to reading for myself."
That last piece is a good thing to notice. Record it. Record everything. Even those little things that you may not think are important to record. When you look back you'll be like "holy shit, I'm glad I caught that"
"How long have you been practicing?"
@Sean White said
"I've been reading about magick and doing tarot for maybe thirty years but I've only been really trying ritual magick for about a year. I've done decades of Theravadan and Vajrayana Buddhist meditation so I'm pretty good at that but not much more than that.
Although I experience a lot of sensation when I practice, my magical invocations don't have any results."In Magick Without Tears, there's a chapter about the obstacles of the path in which Crowley talks about the obstacles that occur on all four of the planes. I read it this week and I felt like a thousand light bulbs went off in my head.
I, like you, tend to question the efficacy of my work a lot. I've been practicing for about 7 years. I don't think the "am I doing this right" self-questioning ever goes away.
Sometimes my test for the efficacy of my practices is the way my body is feeling afterward. It never occurs to me to look at what's happening in my thoughts, or my feelings or my will-to-do. Perhaps your invocations are working brilliantly but you are looking at the wrong plane for the results.
Sounds like your test for the effectiveness of your invocations is the way your body feels (the world of disks). Start paying attention to the things that occupy your mind(the worlds of swords), and your emotional states (the world of cups) and then the things you find yourself wanting to accomplish in the world (the world of wands).
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"Sounds like your test for the effectiveness of your invocations is the way your body feels (the world of disks). Start paying attention to the things that occupy your mind(the worlds of swords), and your emotional states (the world of cups) and then the things you find yourself wanting to accomplish in the world (the world of wands)."
Great way to look at it. I like this a lot.
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"Are your doubts because he wasn't able to generate the money, or something else?"
I think about AC's story in the Equinox often, the story about the man who made spectacles that allowed one to see the world as it really is. I think the story itself is a kind of magickal arrow aimed at my heart and it pains me deeply. My doubts are really about myself and my ability, but I strongly fear that the gods are indifferent and cold. I've put myself on trial, and I'm afraid of my verdict. I think I'm cursed with these spectacles. The story of Icarus spring to mind.
I look at my world and it disgusts me. I hate all the gods but I'm too afraid to speak against them. I'm bound to this awful world, where a beautiful old dying poet-magician can't get his teeth fixed and worries about the cold. Everywhere I look I see mindless idiots caught in trivia, and I'm frightened that there's nothing else in this world. I call the names of the gods, and they won't reply. I'm powerless and it's unbearable, but I'll just go out and buy another book on magic and my accumulation of knowledge has no result.
My magic is impotent and if it's all not true at least for me, then I have nowhere else to turn. I'm afraid that the wheel of fortune is just a torture wheel.
"If it's the money thing, this is actually an example of the extreme consistency of magick, not the opposite. When Crowley was young and naïve, he took a magical oath that, if only he would be allowed to attain, he would give all wealth, all love, etc. He didn't have to take the oath (that is, no external authority required it), it's just what burst out of his then-Christian soul. However, he did take it, and the core truth of a genuine magical oath is that the universe accepts it and, thereafter, it defines the parameters of your existence."
All the gods should be ashamed. I feel he deserved much better and it makes me sick that his life was so full of noble sacrifice when he was heralding an age that was it's exact opposite.
"He did attain - more than almost anyone in the history of the world, it seems - and, in exchange (his offer, which the universe automatically accepted) he expended his wealth to the Great Work and then was left without it. He never had a persistent love relationship and barely had anything resembling a persisting friend. And so on."
It seems to me that people who claimed to be his friend at some time like Israel Regardie were thoroughly despicable, and yet they get added to the list of saints and it makes me sick. That man slandered AC as skilfully and innocently as he was able to, and then went on to make a career of poorly emulating him. He easily spoke of AC having homosexual sex, and yet I'd eat my hat if Regardie wasn't gay himself, and likely an ex-lover of AC in any case. I read people like Kenneth Grant and Frater Achad, and it seems to me that they ended up with personality disorders like so many more of them. Mathers was likely even worse. It all reads to me as a Greek tragedy. AC didn't even have his ashes treated with due respect.
I wonder if I'm just a wounded bird, drawn to an illusory promise of power. I fear that I'm already at the point where I 'm making trite excuses for my invocations not working. I don't doubt that magick exists, but it has never been reliable for me... and I blame myself for not being able to just lie to myself, and I blame myself too for not being able to succeed in magick. I insist on seeing the truth and I despise it because the truth seems to have no escape.
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@Sean White said
"My doubts are really about myself and my ability but I fear that the gods are indifferent and cold."
They are. One might say, they don't care one way or another: They express themselves through whoever aligns his or her consciousness with them, and without any more judgment or compassion or warmth or viciousness than you would expect from gravity or light or the passage of time.
"The story of Icarus spring to mind."
So fly, or don't fly. Personally, I've always felt an immortal shouldn't be concerned with whether he or she crashes and burns, so I've just flown anyway. After a few times, one decides to use better wax.
"I look at my world and it disgusts me."
That's either a problem or preparation for a breakthrough. I don't know you well enough to know which.
The question is" What (if anything) are you going to do about it? (And remember: You said your world. It's not about changing anybody else.)
"I hate all the gods but I'm too afraid to speak against them."
I think you're just going down a checklist of useful enunciations that draw routine useful advice
For this one, of course, the counsel is that fear is already failure. Move past your fear."I'm bound to this awful world, where a beautiful old dying poet magician can't get his teeth fixed and worries about the cold."
Also, children die with gnats crawling through their eyes and bloated, poisoned food (or none) in their bellies in parts of Africa.
"Everywhere I look I see mindless idiots caught in trivia, and I'm frightened that there's nothing else in this world."
Interesting. Hmm. What if it were all trivia? (Has my mind moving a bit... thinking of the difference between particle-based identity seen outside the context of anything vs. holistic-based identity where there is no separation or irrelevance of anything, etc.)
"I'm afraid that the wheel of fortune is just a torture wheel."
I'm absolutely certain you're right, unless you make sure to enjoy yourself while on it.
"All the gods should be ashamed! He deserved much better"
He got everything he asked for in the deal, and paid exactly what he offered.
"It seems to me that people who claimed to be his friend at some time like Israel Regardie were thoroughly despicable, and yet they get added to the list of saints and it makes me sick."
Sorry. Regardie was a friend of mine (though that's not why he's added - he's added because he's one of the most important bearers of the traditions borne through the ages). I personally wouldn't call him despicable but, rather, one of the noblest men I've known. And, as far as I know (for what it's worth), he never claimed to be Crowley's friend, only his student and employee.
"He spoke of AC having homosexual sex, and yet I'd eat my hat if Regardie wasn't gay himself"
His girlfriends, some of whom I knew, didn't seem to think so, FWIW.
"and likely an ex-lover of AC in any case."
Not according to his statements to me (not that I think it matters one way or the other).
"I don't doubt that magick exists, but it has never been reliable for me... and I blame myself for not being able to just lie to myself, and I blame myself too for not being able to succeed in magick. I insist on seeing the truth and I despise it because the truth has no escape."
Yeah, you've kind of put yourself in a bind there. Which is rather cool, because people only usually put themselves in that kind of bind when it's time for them to struggle with things. And there's just enough drama in it that most likely you are indeed pulling a number on yourself to motivate yourself to something. Good show. You just might be setting yourself up for the sort of junior grade Trance of Sorrow that set Crowley solidly on the path in the first place.
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Easy life is a pop illiusion, one person said who made you think that life must be easy?
Actually nobody cares about anything else, but themselves. Love as death are short intense expierences and life is constant war, crossing our limits is the only way to improve, most of time we work inside our limits. -
"Also, children die with gnats crawling through their eyes and bloated, poisoned food (or none) in their bellies in parts of Africa. "
You seem to know exactly what I'm talking about Jim, and the kick is terribly well aimed!
"Sorry. Regardie was a friend of mine (though that's not why he's added - he's added because he's one of the most important bearers of the traditions borne through the ages). I personally wouldn't call him despicable but, rather, one of the noblest men I've known. And, as far as I know (for what it's worth), he never claimed to be Crowley's friend, only his student and employee."
I should apologise to you then for making a personal comment about someone I never knew for myself, and I am sure he must have been noble if you say so. I personally however don't think it was commendable that your friend outed AC so publically in the Eye in the Triangle. Personally I think AC was entitled to have a completely private sex life with whomever he wished, and I think outing him in a book is quite a betrayal in at least of confidence. I mean it wasn't for the sake of describing a magickal operation which I could understand. I also feel that Regardie had far too much to say about AC, when I think AC's work and legacy speaks for itself and he was easily the better magician and teacher. I couldn't argue against what you say of Regardie's contribution however. My opinions aren't terribly informed, so I hope you don't mind me expressing my impressions, and I sincerely mean no offence. I wouldn't like to speak ill of the dead in any case. It just makes me sad I guess that reading through all these many books on AC, that I don't often see much love or friendship in them for him.
"His girlfriends, some of whom I knew, didn't seem to think so, FWIW."
What I really meant to show by this comment is that if Israel Regardie was happy to tar people with a brush, then it invites open season on him too... and please don't get me wrong in that I'm not saying being openly gay or bisexual etc is wrong.. but I do think that outing AC just isn't cricket. It seem to me that nobody alive today really needs to know who AC slept with or his sexual inclinations. For a man that spoke so much of the value of psychotherapy, the whole sexual dynamic seems strange.
"Yeah, you've kind of put yourself in a bind there. Which is rather cool, because people only usually put themselves in that kind of bind when it's time for them to struggle with things. And there's just enough drama in it that most likely you are indeed pulling a number on yourself to motivate yourself to something. Good show. You just might be setting yourself up for the sort of junior grade Trance of Sorrow that set Crowley solidly on the path in the first place."
Ugh I dreaded as much. Thanks for your good advice Jim.
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"Sean - "..I fear that the gods are indifferent and cold."
Jim - "They are. One might say, they don't care one way or another: They express themselves through whoever aligns his or her consciousness with them, and without any more judgment or compassion or warmth or viciousness than you would expect from gravity or light or the passage of time.""
I think this is the most disturbing thing I've ever heard. What's worse is that I believe it.
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Regardie didn't "out" Crowley. Crowley "outed" himself ages ago. The problem is that in Crowley's day you couldn't out and out just "out" yourself or you'd go to prison and hang with the likes of Oscar Wilde. Regardie's purpose in making things perfectly clear was so that you could go back to Crowley's works (specifically several essays on magical practices, his poetry, and diary journals regarding Victor Neuburg) and read exactly for yourself how the change in information changes what you find when you read it.
And that's just one minor example of how a change in a priori held knowledge and opinion changes the meaning of things you encounter, and having that knowledge and wisdom sets you on the path to learning to hold knew knowledge (through various gnosis) so as to learn to change the meanings of things you encounter at will. In other words, that's magic in a nut sack.
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93,
"I personally however don't think it was commendable that your friend outed AC so publically in the Eye in the Triangle. Personally I think AC was entitled to have a completely private sex life with whomever he wished, and I think outing him in a book is quite a betrayal in at least of confidence. "
I don't think that this point needs defending at all, he was writing a biography about the man, there would be no purpose in dodging around the fact that Crowley liked to have sex with men sometimes.....it doesn't damage his character in any way to people who are not homophobic.
I haven't read Regardie's Eye in the Triangle, but a reading of Crowley's own autobiography point towards the fact he had homosexual relationships, of course you have to read between the lines now and then, but the facts were very thinly veiled.
93, 93/93.
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@Takamba said
"Regardie didn't "out" Crowley. Crowley "outed" himself ages ago. The problem is that in Crowley's day you couldn't out and out just "out" yourself or you'd go to prison and hang with the likes of Oscar Wilde. Regardie's purpose in making things perfectly clear was so that you could go back to Crowley's works (specifically several essays on magical practices, his poetry, and diary journals regarding Victor Neuburg) and read exactly for yourself how the change in information changes what you find when you read it."
I think Crowley made as much clear exactly as he wanted to, and since it was his magickal working, and his life, I don't think Regardie had any right whatsoever to comment on it publicly in the way that he did.
My point is that it's not Regardie's right to speak of AC's sexuality in a book. Crowley spoke for himself. Crowley explains his life in his own way and that's sufficient to my mind. I feel that Regardie had far too much to say about AC, who was his magickal superior in every possible way. Yet the lesser man seemed to think he could summarise the greater.
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I suppose we should not write biographies at all. I mean, how dare Paul (nee Saul) write about Jesus when he'd never even met the man!
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"I don't think that this point needs defending at all, he was writing a biography about the man, there would be no purpose in dodging around the fact that Crowley liked to have sex with men sometimes.....it doesn't damage his character in any way to people who are not homophobic.
"Regardie didn't even like Crowley and yet he wrote an entire book about him and his bitterness seems a grudge that he never relinquished. He republished and commented on Crowley's works and yet didn't have very much good to say of him. I really think that's extremely strange behaviour.
He seemed to me to want to be the final word on Crowley and I don't think he was qualified to appraise AC because Crowley was a giant compared to Regardie. Crowley never said that he liked to have sex with men. Regardie's book encouraged that reading of AC. AC rants on in his letters against homosexuality and effeminism to Lady Frieda Harris.. So it's a much more complex subject than Regardie's portrayal of the subject.
I don't want to slander Israel Regardie by the way. I'd be very silly if I tried to overlook his enormous contribution and I'm fairly ignorant about magick anyhow, but these are just my impressions in any case. My point was originally more about Crowley not having many loyal friends, and Regardie being among those who weren't very much of a friend.
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@Takamba said
"I suppose we should not write biographies at all. I mean, how dare Paul (nee Saul) write about Jesus when he'd never even met the man!"
Paul was at least a very good magician and Kabbalist. I think that the real pity of Paul was that he was a terrible biographer. He doesn't write anything of the teaching he received and it was of course very soon suppressed.
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@Sean White said
"My point is that it's not Regardie's right to speak of AC's sexuality in a book. Crowley spoke for himself. Crowley explains his life in his own way and that's sufficient to my mind. I feel that Regardie had far too much to say about AC, who was his magical superior in every possible way. Yet the lesser man seemed to think he could summarise the greater."
Regardie wrote the Eye In The Triangle to give the public a more accurate picture of Crowley because some other biographers painted a horrible picture of him in their shitty biographies. While you may be perfectly content with the way in which Crowley explains his life, I'm willing to bet that the vast majority of most people will get hooked by the slanderous bullshit written about Crowley over the years. Even to this day, he is still portrayed as a really bad dude.
And in regards to mentioning Crowley's sexuality, he didn't just re-state what people already knew about Crowley's sexuality, he made a point to provide the context in which Crowley held the whole scope of sex and sexuality, and that context was the context of athletics.
"In a jocular vein, Crowley had written elsewhere that there would be no clear thinking on the matter of sex, continence or erotology until it was clearly understood "as being solely a branch of athletics.""
- Regardie, Eye in the Triangle, Falcon Press 3rd edition, pg 12.
But anyways, at this point we're getting way off topic from the original post.
If you are truly committed to effectively practicing magick then it will require letting go of some of the intellectual and emotional baggage you have. I say that with love and respect. You will have to give yourself over to force you're invoking. You're magick seems ineffective because you have some resistence to surrendering to it.
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"If you are truly committed to effectively practicing magick then it will require letting go of some of the intellectual and emotional baggage you have. I say that with love and respect. You will have to give yourself over to force you're invoking. You're magick seems ineffective because you have some resistence to surrendering to it."
Thanks for the good comments Al-Shariyf. I just have no idea how to let go of my intellectual and emotional baggage. Is it a matter of being okay with my past or being optimistic that helps to actualises magick? I don't know how to surrender to magick at all. I know that Crowley was at one time advised to improve his concentration because he wasn't getting any results. In my case I think my concentration seems ok, so I'm all ears for where I need to improve.
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"Regardie didn't even like Crowley and yet he wrote an entire book about him and his bitterness seems a grudge that he never relinquished. He republished and commented on Crowley's works and yet didn't have very much good to say of him. I really think that's extremely strange behaviour. "
I think you'll find Regardie in an interview with Christopher Hatt nearing the end of his life stated he admired and was thankful of Crowley. Either in that interview or elsewhere he did state Crowley was helpful to him, and he was very young and naive at the time. However, it was the Golden Dawn system which helped him the most, he left Crowley a neophyte, it was the Golden Dawn which turned him into an adept.
He also actually knew the man and had to put up with him, he has a right to have an opinion on him and if that opinion was not a nice one upon reflection, that's his right. I have met many people who could present themselves as brilliant to others, whom I can't stand. People are people, and Crowley had one huge ego- I never met him, but his writing sure shows it in places, also in the way he treated others.
I prefer an actual, factual representation of a persons life in their biography, Crowley was not always a nice man, you are speaking about him as if he was a hero. It is Thelema, not Crowleyanity, he was a human with flaws and imperfections. He was very quick to pick up on other's imperfections too.
"He seemed to me to want to be the final word on Crowley and I don't think he was qualified to appraise AC because Crowley was a giant compared to Regardie. Crowley never said that he liked to have sex with men. Regardie's book encouraged that reading of AC. AC rants on in his letters against homosexuality and effeminism to Lady Frieda Harris.. So it's a much more complex subject than Regardie's portrayal of the subject."
If not Regardie, a man who met him, then who? We have Kenneth Grant, John Symonds, one wrote about Crowley as if he was a great man, the other had mostly bad things to say about him. Grant fancied himself and accomplished magician, Regardie was an accomplished magician, there is no debate about that.
If you are waiting for a ippissimus or master of the temple to write a book about Cowley, you may be waiting a long time, grades, past achivement only matter to the individual. If you knew someone, could understand their work and make it accessible to a larger audience, then that is a good thing.
Regardie has offered a lot to the occult world, and has also taught others who have furthered Crowley's legacy.
"My point was originally more about Crowley not having many loyal friends, and Regardie being among those who weren't very much of a friend."
Regardie was his secretary and his student, friendship cannot always blossom under such circumstances, as I pointed out Crowley was not the nicest person to everyone he met, and had also slandered Regardie.
For what it's worth, apparently Regardie would defend Crowley if someone who did not know him ever said anything bad about a man they did not know. He knew him and had a right to dislike some of the things which occured whilst he was in his company.
"I just have no idea how to let go of my intellectual and emotional baggage. Is it a matter of being okay with my past or being optimistic that helps to actualises magick? I don't know how to surrender to magick at all."
In my opinion, it is a matter of accepting that the past is the past and the only real thing that you can change and should be concerned with is the present. The past should not define you, you- who you are at this moment, should define you. Then you must ask where you want to go, and then start heading there!
I modified a ritual I found in a book, which I forget the title of, where I wrote down events which I needed to let go of and where still influencing thought and behaviour patterns, along with a list of false beliefs. I then banished, invoked with the middle pillar, then called upon Adonai (don't know what the angel is, never met it, or saw it. It just felt appropriate. I went through the list and analysed each item and used a combination of rhythmic breathing and visualisation to release these energies out of myself, and affirmed that they were no longer part of me. I then burned the list. I then banished and did the Middle Pillar once more giving the sign of silence afterwards. I felt much better, and this ritual, however simple, still had a great impact on my thought patterns and attitude to life, I have redone this ritual once more with other items I have discovered.....of course most people would just go and see a therapist, others don't need such a thing.
Everyone is different. I have found that if I am feeling down I will not be able to get enthusiastic about magick or meditation and find it difficult to do them, maintain complete focus and get a result. I must be enthusiastic and able to enflame myself in prayer- if sometimes I have to force it so be it. For me enjoying life means you will enjoy all aspects of life which includes your spiritual practice, if one aspect is unbalanced every aspect could come tumbling down.
93, 93/93.