Stymied
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@Uni_Verse said
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@Avshalom Binyamin said
"Sometimes it works better to learn to treat ourselves and others as significant without conditions."I feel this is an important enough idea that I wished to highlight it."
So do i.
And one may be forced to do anyway. At some point it will have to happen.
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Well, there are two main factors with which I struggle no matter who I'm talking to or where I speak my mind.
The first has to do with a deep desire to pass on what I've learned. It's in my nature to study these things and want to teach others what I've learned from my seeking. Whether others approve or not, it's central to my nature. It's just my make up. I'm one of those.
The second has also to do with something that has become part and parcel with who I am and how I experience life. Whether it's "merely" my psychology, or whether it is actual psychic (soul-level) sensitivity, I get "feedback" on just about everything I say, every time I do speak my mind. And so even though I personally can accept for myself that there may be twelve different ways of saying something to twelve different people and that this is not "deception," I always seem to have to face the "accusers" and "testers," inwardly, who dispute the perspective from which I spoke.
The experience is precisely that of nothing (no speech) ever being good enough, and it has ground me down, leaving me wondering what the whole point is of feeling like I have anything worthy or beneficial to say in the first place. What's the point of trying at all if at every turn, every thought may be contradicted, and I must burn through the hell of being made to eat every word of effort expended to say anything worthy or beneficial?
The only thing I can do is stand on the fact of the ability of every thought being able to be contradicted and say, "in this instance, thus have I been moved to speak for this voice within me for which I must speak." ...while being forced to admit the opposite perspective as well, and thus ultimately feeling as if the voice for which I feel moved to speak has nothing of absolute value to say.
And if that's true, then I might as well just shut up and consider that which I have felt to be my whole purpose in existing as a fart of emotion better passed in silence. And then, why do I exist?
It begins to feel like a game that I'm trying to win, yet... I've begun to feel that way for so long, I have begun to resent the game and reject any desire it attempt to even play, much less win.
There is no need for my assistance. There is no need for my voice. It's an illusion.
So what to do but pay the bills and seek escape from the futility of playing?
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35 years ago this month, I was admitted a Probationer and took a motto expressive of how I saw the centerpiece of my life at that point. It was a Latin phrase meaning, "I learn & I teach." (It took a quarter of a century for me to get all the layers of the Latin joke.)
Some times it's easier. Some times it's harder. But I can tell this is your long game, not just a quick gig. Patience might help.
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About the biggest insight so far...
You know... Why my Lord Initiator, why so harsh? And then much reflection on learning the rules. And then, "but now at least you understand."
But that understanding is no real joy, but more of an inner acceptance of "the wrong of the beginning,"
All this emphasis on being "correct"... What nonsense.
Better to allow a contented man his illusions and his peaceful dreams, full of error and nonsense. Send me only the discomforted and malcontent, desperate for whatever peace that understanding a difficult truth may bring.
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(Saturn conjunct natal Mercury, and Mars close enough for Horseshoes.)
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@Aion said
"There is no need for my assistance. There is no need for my voice. It's an illusion.
So what to do but pay the bills and seek escape from the futility of playing?"
Oh most doubtful one! You want "certainty"? Your Prophet says otherwise:
"Doubt thyself. Doubt even if thou doubtest thyself. Doubt all. Doubt even if thou doubtest all. It seems sometimes as if beneath all conscious doubt there lay some deepest certainty. Kill it! Kill the snake!
The best part about lecturing others, is that I often find that I have learned something too. That quote spoke to me. My mind is often in doubt, looking for certainty. I must kill it. Kill it by staying aware.
I'm having some doubts here about "this and that", but I'm most happy about it.
Peace
PS.
There is no such thing as an perfect complying audience. Sometimes we have to admit our own ignorance, acknowledging that we simply don't know, instead of pretending that we have all the answers. I see everything as a test, a test of my own ability to transcend and master whatever the experience life throws at me. I simply at will invoke a cheerful mode and say:
"The darkness of Self-piety begone! Now that the sunshine of laughter has arrived!"
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@Aion said
"Postcards to mySelf."
One way or another, the above is how I felt under these stars. The link has expired, but you get the idea, I think.
That night, I went to sleep and had the most amazing two dreams - right up there with only a handful of others had during my whole life. My unconscious mind truly does "get me." It understands the story I've given it, and it made some very interesting things quite clear to me. I hate to be a tease like this, but I'll keep the contents to myself. They were quite personal.
I know I have a flare for drama. It's in my Moon in Pisces, or at least that's what I blame. And you are correct, Hawk, in that there will always be those who accuse an idea along with those who benefit from it. Jim's productivity and its varied response has been a testament in that direction over the years, I know.
There is a part of me that seems to always wish that She would just smile and smile and smile upon my work - one unified pleasant response. But she is submissive entirely to Chaos, and thus there will always be the mockers in her "hair" as* LXV *suggests.
I Will to Love Her, and that requires Strength. But I confess I am not yet perfect in that, and sometimes the way I deal with it is through self-expression in the moment.
Thanks for everyone's responses.
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@Aion said
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But that understanding is no real joy, but more of an inner acceptance of "the wrong of the beginning,"All this emphasis on being "correct"... What nonsense. "
O! The sweet sorrow of understanding!
Not everyone is ready -
Or on the same level
It is not about what you wish to tell them
More, what they need to hear at that moment
Respect their individuality
Regardless of whether you view it as a lie -
Maybe it has less to do what you are saying and more to do with how they are listening.
Maybe if you discovered how they are listening you can also discover the words and the language of their world so you can speak to them.
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Saying nothing special sometimes can be more than enough. It's in the way(combination of ways) one responds to different things, whatever those things, that can be grasped intuitively some kind of frequencies and patterns. Those are what makes us remember of the person too. What you feel thinking about someone.
As the whole is in everything and everything is in the whole, those "musical"messages involve higher aspects too. The more you can peak at the moment the more might one remember you and thus still learn from a simple thing years later, drawing new, higher aspects of the said "melody" heard before. Even if not consciously done, you can be sure there is an unconscious effect which will manifest in some way, maybe even onto other persons. Nothing is lost.
Always watch consciousness is the highest possible. Trust/work on intuition. If you do somethin without God why even bother doing it(after a certain level)? If a teacher has no higher teacher himself, how can he be trusted? Be a man too. Also helps for identification and diminishes pressure(which you can thus elevate in more useful way while keeping the sum equal). And something you cant say from a given perspective, you can from another one. This also can teach to differentiate planes. There is useful confusion
If people think they understand, why would they bother asking?What part of teaching does make you most happy? Is it rather the transmission, or the hapiness of student, the efficiency he can demonstrate, his healing, or the technical aspect...? If easy case you may adapt, if hard you may focus on speciality. Also find as many ways possible of applying speciality. Some ideas...
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@Al-Shariyf said
"Maybe it has less to do what you are saying and more to do with how they are listening.
Maybe if you discovered how they are listening you can also discover the words and the language of their world so you can speak to them."
Yes very important ! A trick too can be to ask advice one self to the person. Often one advises others what actually fits to himself. This topic might be a trick of Aion so he can teach us all better.
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Yeah, well, I can be shady like that sometimes.
Some of us, though, (especially Moons in Pisces, imho) are designed to act it out - do the dance of the stars. Can't be helped. A bit "luna-tique" - compulsive astrological performance artists.But really, honestly, without all the pomp, it was late on the weekend, and I was forced to be alone and sober, and I have been struggling with aspects of this Mars+Saturn/natal Mercury thing, and I was going to write and fuss, consequences be damned. So... whatever that means.
I've been thinking a lot about that feeling though - like Plato's analogy of the cave. Sometimes you want to try to force on people what can't be learned or accepted without experience. And you can't force the experience - or you can try, but there's a particular karma it generates. Instead, the kind of stuff that makes me feel like the one who returns to the cave in the analogy, desperate to free his friends and loved ones, is the kind of stuff that they'll only experience in real life only if they bind themselves to the seeking of it themselves. Otherwise, imo, they're Lawfully protected from it, and it's not healthy to fight that.
The rest is just the normal inner counter-instruction for taking an over-passionate side in reason's counterpointed edifice.
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To see the world as it is and to attempt to share that vision, you might have to accept that very few of your own epoch will get the message. But the message remains for those in the future...
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