pixie_pseuicde
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93
one thing I like about Thelema is that it never looses its ability to shock me and force me to constantly re-assess my preconceptions, when I first read your posts I will admit that I initially felt a bit stunned that anyone would allow this kind of domination.
after a little thought on the subject however I cant say that I can identify with it myself at this point, but I kinda see why you would get into this kind of power exchange, it must be extremely Liberating in many ways, (perhaps ironically)
Thanks for shaking up my world view, I needed it.93 93/93
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wow im quite shocked myself thank you i'm flattered i caused a ripple lol...not everybody appreciates my openness about it all, LOL..
the old bdsm cliche, especially in submissives and slaves, is the whole "i've never been freer inside his/her restrictions" theme... i grudgingly admit its true lol, because its corny.
its an extremely selfish place, being a slave (misleading too) See i'm loved and wanted enough that a man i happen to adore and love beyond reason wants to OWN me.. somebody i feel is way out of my league and i'm privillaged to be in his company, let alone be his prized possession...
But there is the physical too.. a lot of the time all a slave has to do is what they able to, and probably should have gotton done already- i procrastinate HORRIBLY and i get down because of the results of this, yet i do nothing about it past short bursts and not everything i get done actually gets finished.. now when i'm doing housework, i'm not just doing housework, i'm not just making the home nice for our family, i'm not just making the bed. In all these actions i do as a housewife and mother (a lot of women would agree that a lot goes un noticed or seems to if you hold it against them or not) i can also showcase how perfect i can do that job and i give myself more time to do things and grow more efficiant within this, and i'm doing it for HIM... whilst anybody can do this under any freedom, only a slave HAS to do it, and has no right to wriggle out of it...and i go to sleep feeling like i did SO much that day...that i really ticked off this list and i'm opening up more time and space to spend doing special things with my Master, more room for ritual and games of blatent control and manipulation. (we're over crowded in a two bed flat right now, with three kids, space and option is limited lol!!)
sexually a lot of the time a slave just has to be there.., to be used seperates your mind from your body... in following orders such as trying to do things against the flow of my body it trances and stones you a little bit lol...if you mean it, and you know it, and you love proving it over and over (which some would be right to say that we're reassuring ourselves its real, but i'm looking forward to the stage where there is nothing reassuring in being his slave... when it scary or hard, and i really have to push myself past limits of physical endurance and mental strength, complexes etc... i know that sounds a bit messed up, but my god... the strength i'd have under my belt by the end of it, the physical endurance, the ability to travel so far inside myself that things....happen.
Every sexual kink we discover is - in my mind at least - proof to the gods or demons or djinn or dieties, that my sexual energy is DEFINATELY his to give... this is where it gets spiritual lol...
i feel other people and can gage human emotion pretty well..i can reinact it and push it out, and pinpoint it...like scanning i think, but more importantly i'm learning what i can do with this (lets be honest) pretty useless "gift"... i've already rambled so i may as well ramble a little bit more...another pretty useless "gift" is knowing when someone is going to walk in a room or come through it (used to scare my friends growing up when i run out right before they got busted for being somewhere they wasnt meant to be lol) i beleive i feel this through the shift in energy?? i dont know and wouldnt know where to begin finding answers to those things..(do you? LOL tell me)
anyways... today i come up with a bit of inspiration...i'd been at the dentist and had a tooth that needed pulling filled (it needs to go its so painfull!) and a wisdom tooth pulled..my Master said that he wonders if he's learn to pick up on me because the "hinges" (lol) of his mouth felt so stretched like he'd been pulled and pried at, he said "i dont know if you're pushing it out but..-" and i realised i WAS. the minute i pulled it back i could feel the pain of my teeth where he'd been talking about it come back, and felt the sensation behind my ears drop...i remembered a time my son fell and i seriously thought he'd broken his neck...we ran running over to him and i'm forcing myself to be calm and block out any panic, Master looked at me and said "you have to calm down you're swamping me" .. thats the first time i felt that energy in my ears drop... its the step into knowing when i'm pushing out...and when i shouldnt be..and what the repacussions will be...feeling this emotions i dont want to lol.. Anyway this lead me to my sexual energy that we barter for payment... and fantasies i'd had growing up (yeah im twisted...what can i say...) about desperately not wanting to cum, blocking out every peice of pleasure, using all my strength in resistance to block it out...and jesus the orgasm was overwhelming afterwards, and i always felt...watched or rather fancied myself so.. i beleive i gave a gap something could imagine themselves creating??not even sure... but it translates so beautifully...
All i have to do to litrelly throw my energy out of my body so Master can present it, is to with every fibre and being choose to NOT feel pleasure, to NOT savour those moments but convince yourself that those normally wonderous feelings are bland and unreactive.. lol.. i said this to Master and he said i'd described tantra in a sentance lmfao...i've been meaning to look into that, the tantric vampire seems to be very similar to what we do.. if i'm manipulated into strongly doing this, say...by order, with a DAMNED hefty punishment should i do it and enjoy it that i honest to god dont want, then ill be able to reinact this senario minus the non consensual setting LOL...come on...you already knew i was a bit of a pervert hahagod i'm a bit embarrased at that a little i'm either going to put forth a plausable idea, OR i've just proved myself an utter idiot HA ...
...its all in the visuals you can truely beleive in..Btw i love that shake too...earthshattering sometimes because you're going to have to look up the SAME things you already thought you knew to find yet another angle to see things from..but you get answer after answer after answer when this happens!!!
hope i didnt sound like an idiot slaps forhead
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93
To me this sounds a hell of a lot like my own relationship with the Holy Guardian Angel, I only recently discovered that I have such a thing and it Isn't just a figment of Crowley's imagination.
The sense of being freer inside his/her restrictions, being owned but also the owner, I realised at once that The HGA need me as much as I need Him/her.
I have of course yet to achieve Knowledge and conversation, but the aspiration and yearning are slowly beginning to burn me up inside, leaving little room in my world for anything except my anticipation of that final Ecstatic meeting.I would like to share this with you, I find it inspiring, and conveys with far greater eloquence what I mean:
On the night when you cross the street from your shop and your house to the Cemetery,
you'll hear me hailing you from inside the open grave, and you'll realize how we've always been together.
I am the clear consciousness-core of your being, the same in ecstasy as in self-hating fatigue.
That night, when you escape the fear of snakebite and all irritation with the ants, you'll hear my familiar voice, see the candle being lit, smell the incense, the suprise meal fixed by the lover inside all your other lovers.
This heart-Tumult is my signal to you igniting the Tomb.
Don't fuss with the shroud and the graveyard dust.
Those get ripped open and washed away in the music of our final meeting.
And don't look for me in a human shape. I am inside your looking. No room for form with a love this strong.
Beat the drum and let the poets speak. This is the day of purification for those who are already mature and initiated into what love is.
No need to wait until we die! There's more to want than money and being famous and bites of roasted meat.
Now, what shall we call this new sort of gazing-house that has opened in our town where people sit quietly and pour out their glancing like light, like answering?(Jelaluddin Rumi, 1207-1273
So you see that with this in mind everything else seems like distractions and mediocrity, I wonder if you might be close to understanding my position..93 93/93
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Yes i beleive i do see that from a few angles, one of which being pre-primeval "call" from uh...the being...we desperately need to become one with?? ...i may be well off the mark lol... that's definately how i feel and felt about my Master now and before i even knew he'd be it...yearning...
i remember that call far too well shudders ... and of course the direct emotional side of devoting yourself to somebody or something... it can be soul destorying and the only way to combat it is to be shown in a million symbolic ways (like my submission and his dominance over me. i need to feel the darker side..)
Are you in love with your HGA? Would you min explaining that a bit more so i can feel what you do?
i'm quite surpised that i liked this poem, and its one i just have to annotate and have a good stab at and poke around lol ill do that later
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Okay Masters read the thread and explained to me the holy guardian angel a bit more - also coined The Secret Lover?
i'm going to have to get my head around this one i think i've never really thought about a guardian angel but think i know where to place it... can you tell me what you know also please? I'm obviously meant to learn this one lol, its appeared a few times tonight
xx
the pixie
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the term Holy guardian angel is only a use of language, it is in itself pretty ridiculous, I'm not saying I believe in angels and all that guff, I'm not quite that far gone lol.
Nor would I describe it as being in love, not in the sense that two people are in love, at least not in the normal sense, which is why I picked up on your own relationship with your master as an echo of what I am (only just) beginning to get a glimmer of.
call it what you will, The HGA, the friend, the secret lover, the Anima/Animus? all of these things could be applied with some modicum of success.
but there is definitely something like a courtship going on, its like something that has always been there but beyond what I could apprehend, has suddenly got my attention, although I cannot describe it in any way that would make sense to anyone who had not already noticed the same thing; imagine trying to describe a previously unknown colour to somebody, words are beggared, but I only have words, so I have to use the misleading terminology of mysticism and hope I don't lose too much in translation.
I am very new to this kind of perception, being naturally rather hard headed and not given to transcendental experience, but I get to my 29th year on this planet, cut off my past, and I'm suddenly thinking and feeling like a mystic! who'd have thought it? -
welcome pixie, i to an new here.
Sapere Aude
LLLL
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Thanks Sapere! cant wait to get to know you!
Solitarius - that makes a lot more sense the way you've worded it, and have found a lot of answers waiting for me here, some quite dramatic! lol .. i cant word it yet however i need to fill in the peices winks
Yeah i'm not quite a beleiver of angels.. at least not in the sense of christianity and other schools of thought... i just dont like them, and ill whisper that my inkling is a game of opposites in that area...that and add to the fact that most imagery of angels are of children (there is no need of a child angel, an angel does not grow it is already all understandng) and most adult forms are of Roman Soliders...that kind of imagery...(has a vandetta against the Roman forcing christianty on so many people and cultures that the proper ethereal way of life as a process has been watered down and forgotton..england's st george was a roman solider too whilst im on that rant lol)
Its not that i beleive that demon's are actually the "cuddly bunch" the good ones etc, but i have far more trust in them. (that and no "angels" to date have answered my prayers.. or entered any theories that relate to me and mine etc...so who knows...that opinion has every chance of changing when i learn a new mindset.
i "get" the language thing... especially with trying to make our language "fit" the emotion properly... its funny i said it to a new friend today, that i feel the emotion and chose the right words and combinations to evoke a certain image and "feeling" into the person i'm talking too's mind... lol i sound so anal retentive and completely mad haha..
anyway... i'm very aware of that frustration, but i'm pretty good with words overall.. to be honest i feel i have a bit of a "one up" in some places of translating the feeling into words. problem is it makes me awfully long winded!! lolin another post i mentioned that when i was 19 (first year i lived with Master) Master noticed that i was picking up on other peoples emotions, we lived in a hotel for 6 months and he'd come back from the shop and see a neighbour in tears over one thing or another, and come upstairs and find me bawling... be horny as hell and not really acting like myself, and then going out to use the communal bathroom and hearing another couple having sex... he said it was too often for it to be just coincidence. I beleive in the same way i caught somebodies LSD trip (like i said, we were in a hostel lol) i was doing something and noticed an invisible spider scuttling across the floor.. i knew it was there and knew it was invisible because the outline was silver... well i shreiked as if it was real ones and after a while we established it sounded awfully lke i'd been tripped.. (Lsd...Masters drug of adoration lol) so i looked at it like hey.. free high lol.. my scrambled eggs were so brainlie i couldnt eat them, and my daughters eyeore teddy toy thing's the ears were sticking up and they kept going and going and going lol.. Bad thing is i can get lost in an emotion and not realise it isnt my own.
This sort of intense empathy(?) hasnt happened as i've gotton older, more settled, and had my boys, but now and then it will get me lol.. i found to embrace it made the episodes run a lot smoother and finisher quicker... (i found myself getting very frustrated for being an emotional wreck if i held it in or went ahead and for example cried. plus theres the whole "i must be crazy" debate too lol..
i think through this empathy i can really push communication and let the entity really take hold should master or i feel its wise.... we kind of did that last night,,, very strange experience i beleive will relate to the hga out of instinct.
btw my Master found online last night the entire book of Way of the Secret Lover by christpher Hyatt if you'd like the link?? (again something that makes us beleive what happened last night will turn out to be HGA associated-id be happy to share if you're interested )
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
I can see you don't have the semantic problems that often bar more earthy types, (like myself) from clear apprehension of the world around you, that level of empathy must be a double edged sword, although once you get a handle on it I would think its a useful tool.
I used to do a lot of Lsd when I was in my teens and can attest to many experiences when I and whoever I am tripping with would share Hallucinations and perceptions, I suppose simply because we were on the same wavelength.
Naturally I am as solid as a brick (Saturn/sun conjunct, very square birthchart, if that means anything at all?)As for the Angels and deamons thing, The jury is still out on What they actually are, not that it actually matters, seeing as we will never really know what anything is, our minds simply don't stretch that far.
I tend to go with the Jungien Archetypes theory, that these entities are somehow parts of our subconscious mind, the thing is we just don't realise that the whole of creation is in our minds!
To this end, a Deamon to my thinking is simply a part of the sub-conscious that has not been assimilated into the whole, so duty lies in taming these rebel entities and causing them to serve the mind of which they should rightly be a part.
so really it doesnt matter a bit if I Imagine these perceptions, or whether they have an objective reality of there own, who cares as long as I get the required result!
Of coarse this does not mean that such entities cannot be dangerous, I have been severely burned once in the past by an entity I summoned that got out of my control, but I was young and foolish then, and I now know exactly what I did wrong.
feel free to share any information or experiences you have, I'm all ears, and i'm sure there are a few others who would also like to know.
And yes, please send me that link.Love is the law, love under will
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www.scribd.com/doc/13756608/The-Way-of-the-Secret-Lover
ill write more when i have a bit more time to sit and think on that one grins
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you realise I now have to go out and buy that book.
thanks for the link. -
Lol ... have you read the Celestine Prophecy?? i beleive i was meant to give you that link grins
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@pixie_pseuicide said
"Lol ... have you read the Celestine Prophecy?? i beleive i was meant to give you that link grins"
I read that one many years ago, interesting read, although I cant say it had a dramatic effect on my practice.
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Yes i agree its not that good a book or a tale! ..however it's a pretty good "opener" to seeing the world a little differently and how to make use of "coincidences" ... the whole "adventure" to the book i found grueling and distracting, but i did find bits and peices usefull... (however the 10th insight has sat on our bookshelf (and our toilet shelf LOL) for years now and not on of us can be "bothered" to read it.
However.... those who HAVE read it also there seems to be a bigger connection with than normal book-alikies... Master actually has a fascinating tale of when he was reading it!! ill bug him to write it up here (worst he can do is turn me on grinzzzzzz mwauhuhuhaa haha maybe im kiding LOL)