Ordeals and HGA
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Greetings,
You are probably right with regard to the homicidal urges. To be more explicit, it feels, upon occasion, as if a black glove slides over my consciousness. That is to say, i still retain my conscience, however this other, vile, black consciousness is present. The closest thing i could compare it to would be the black spidey suit that attaches itself to peter parker... It's been suggested that this is a sort of doppleganger or even a tether of some sort to the klipothic realms. Whatever it is, its old.
Whether this be the root cause of my suffering i cant be sure, i do know that it manifests all manor of unsavory and negative feelings and is also capable of producing a continual euphoric sensation something ecstatic if thought of in certain way.
I have likened it to a thorn in my side to which their is no cure. A constant companion ever ready to help me capitulate in the worst way possible... -
it might help you a bit to meditate on the Book of Job and the whole Lord of the Darkness and the Light prayer you referred to before. This may because I am still shaking the vestiges off of my former Christian past, but I do feel that God/HGA will test you. Remember that Satan was once merely an accuser, under the jurisdiction of God to test people's faith, and presumably make them as gold.
"YHWH gave and YHWH has taken away; blessed be the name of YHWH"
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Frankly.. the entire experience is dismal. Whichever language, symbolism or tradition is used to describe it - i feel as though i've been an unwitting and unwilling participant in some, for lack of a better descriptor, recurrent cosmic drama... My sensibilities have been ruined by the intrusion, by the imposition of some seeming higher form of pseudo-intelligence.
Being constantly assaulted by individuals' thoughts and puerile expectations; understandings. Not to mention being made subject to an entire host of conflicting desires in a world entirely illusion seems to me, to be the height of stupidity. WHY in the Chaotic Void would anyone willingly sign up for this sort of ridiculous psycho/spiritual shenanigan is truly beyond me. I am wholly unworthy of such a grandiose theatric role...as this is certainly what it feels like. And, perhaps this is the point, or rather the conclusion one is supposed to arrive at?!
Thanks for the allowing the rant.
Jr.
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See, i can't even have an original thought/rant
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@Alrah said
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@Stag-Nation said
"See, i can't even have an original thought/rant"Lol. Oh, have a hug. (((((Stag-Nation))))).
"Thanks
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Stag,
I wrote a whole big long spiel, but I was not happy with it. I will try to come back and post something succinct. Hopefully, in the mean time others will give you some valuable input.
This sounds pollyannaish, but I'm going to say it anyway: try to think positive. And by that I also mean don't dwell on the negative.
Not to alarm you or anything, but... would anyone like to share advice about how to work with one's "demons?" There are a few books out there such as "Taming Your Gremlin" and "Uncle Ramsey's Little Book of Demons: The Positive Advantages of the Personification of Life's Problems," but there are also much more literal methods out there to control what are perceived as ACTUAL demons. By what you've said, it seems to me like you believe you are actually dealing with an intruding demonic force which literally possesses you and controls your actions.
If I were in your shoes, I know the first thing I would do is look for negativity-reversing practices. A typical Thelemic thing to do would probably be banishings and adorations. I don't know if you're really of a Thelemic bent or not because you haven't really said very much yet. I have found other practices to be very effective, but they're not anything I want to get into here. You can PM me if you want.
Best wishes for you... accepting negativity is important for healing, but that acceptance doesn't mean we have to act on negative urges. What I mean is, we don't have to beat ourselves up for negative thoughts or what we perceive to be personal failings. A lot of times, people have repressed issues and the guilt torments them until they snap and these issues appear as negative mental loops. There are a few different books on how to deal with these sorts of "demons" and you don't have to draw a pentagram on your floor or anything like that, either.
There's generally reasons for all sorts of negative desires, attitudes and behavior... we're all human, full of errors and idealism.
There's a lot of truth to the old saying "if you can't love yourself, who can you love?" My guru points to himself and says, "First, I take care of #1. Then, everything else falls into place." It sounds very much like the opposite of what he really is, which is quite simply the most amazing, miraculous and compassionate man I have ever had the pleasure to know personally.
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I edited that above post 3x. Hope Stag reads the last version. I am planning a 3-day retreat from tomorrow til Sunday, so if you don't hear from me... well, you'll be in my thoughts along with a bunch of other negativities I will be working with.
Happy New Year and may things turn around for you ASAP!
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@Stag-Nation said
"WHY in the Chaotic Void would anyone willingly sign up for this sort of ridiculous psycho/spiritual shenanigan is truly beyond me. I am wholly unworthy of such a grandiose theatric role...as this is certainly what it feels like. And, perhaps this is the point, or rather the conclusion one is supposed to arrive at?!"
To me, it sounds here like you're seeing that the idea this is "planned," as some believe, by your Higher Self (or whatever) for your entertainment, firsthand experiential knowledge and/or spiritual advancement is not something you find to be a very realistic proposition. I agree. My personal belief is that we are in this condition due to a very SIMPLE error, subtler than a hair's breadth, but gigantic in potential scope of error. Fortunately, this means it is also always there, under obscurations of ignorance, to be recognized in every moment forever and that means, eventually, when logic (karma) runs its course, it will be recognized.
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@Redd Fezz said
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Not to alarm you or anything, but... would anyone like to share advice about how to work with one's "demons?" "Maybe not what you had in mind, but I love the book "One Hundred Demons" by Lynda Barry.... it's about making art - she illustrates her inner demons....
Apparently she was inspired by a Japanese artist "Kuniyoshi Yokai Hyakkei - Kuniyoshi's One Hundred Images of Ghosts and Demons"
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Thanks Everyone,
For taking the time to offer friendly advice.
Mr. Fezz fret not I have no intention of harming anyone or thing... I just need to learn how to put a saddle on this wily goat. I haven't the foggiest about banishings but im sure that would be the proper action.I'm remarkably stubborn and foolish and my best friend whom I often look to for guidance has about as much emotional warmth as a cold steel plate-which I often resent. She's dreamy :l Back to the matter, I feel very isolated oftentimes which prompted me to seek some form of peer review; interaction.
I really do appreciate the discussion, thanks again.
I will just lurk for a while until i regain a comfortable perspective. -
I was very happy to offer whatever perhaps useless advice I could. I will be doing a Green Tara retreat starting tomorrow and if you want, you could probably link up with my practice since we have a connection. I will be involving you regardless, although not, like, directly... but there is always a link to everything and everyone, especially if it's recent. So, if you have any affinity for that sort of practice, the mantra is OM TARE TUTTARE TURE SVAHA and I will likely be chanting it for the next 72 hours give or take, so if you want to "hook up" you're more than welcome. Green Tara would very much help with your obstacles if you actually asked Her to from the heart.
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@Stag-Nation said
"my best friend whom I often look to for guidance has about as much emotional warmth as a cold steel plate-which I often resent."
It might just be the presentation. I am a motherfucker for all the right reasons, if you know what I mean... It's usually when I'm being "nice" that people get the wrong idea. That's okay most of the time, but for people you REALLY care about and especially if you KNOW what's going on there?... being "nice" doesn't cut it if "nice" means perpetuating their delusion. Life is short, man. (well, this particular life, anyway)
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I agree... Not a slave, but a ball bustin' 'perfect' mind. I wouldn't have her any other way - not that she could be. She's the iceing on my cake.
I'm the loose cannon.
Her entire dialectic hinges on the whole, 'Pity not the fallen' ideology. It should probably read, because they will get back
up one way or another.Edit:
'Loose Cannon' is definitely not to be understood in a literal sense. It's an onion.
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@Stag-Nation said
"I agree... Not a slave, but a ball bustin' 'perfect' mind. I wouldn't have her any other way - not that she could be. She's the iceing on my cake.
I'm the loose cannon.
Her entire dialectic hinges on the whole, 'Pity not the fallen' ideology. It should probably read, because they will get back
up one way or another.Edit:
'Loose Cannon' is definitely not to be understood in a literal sense. It's an onion.
"Maybe you are the 'loose cannon' in the canonical sense, but some wordplay works better in speech than it does in the written word. What I mean is, like, the Bible is the "official canon" and all the so-called 'heretical' scriptures could be considered the 'loose canon' (or lost canon) until such time as they are pieced together into a unified whole (which some people seem to be already doing).
What I mean is this: maybe you think you've already found your place, but in fact it is not working for you. In practice, you're stuck in a rut. This is what I meant when I talked about resistance from others being friends helping you to expose the chinks in your armor. There is a whole study about the psycho-physical muscular armor we wear, but unfortunately you only tend to find info on this in random NLP books and stuff of that nature, which frankly, after a long period of trial and error with such modern age hokum, I have completely given up on. But, it is clear that people's bodies conform to what's going on in their minds. The scaredy cat walks with a hunch so that he almost looks like a question mark from the side. His whole life is interrogative: "what if they don't like me?!"
If your woman is really how you say she is, then she is different from me (Nietzschean, perhaps?) Charity doesn't always lead to resentment; in fact, I'd say it usually does not. Political grandstanding, gladhanding and useless charity meant to put on a good show but still keep the oppressed oppressed is what causes resentment. Pity is also not an emotion to be turned on or off. In non-psychopaths and non-sociopaths, pity is a natural emotion tied to compassion. If it weren't for compassion, your mother would have left you in a field to die shortly after giving birth to you. If not for compassion, very little would get done. Also, some people are truly, truly, damn weak and in exceedingly difficult conditions. As my father used to joke, "don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his mocassins." Some of the conditions people live in I wouldn't wish on a dog.
Liber Al can be read many ways and it is up to each man for himself to interpret it. I believe in charitable and compassionate action, personally. But, if someone is screwing up and has screwheaded ideas, I'm going to point it out and not merely look the other way. If I didn't, that would be what Chogyam Trungpa called "idiot compassion."
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Lost Cannon, adrift in a sea of sh*t: the story of a fledgling magician
Sounds rather apropos.You make wonderful sense to me Mr. Fezz. I do believe you have hit at least one of the proverbial nails on its head with regard to not having found ones place. I've often wondered about this, considering my life has been remarkably devoid of what some might term, normalcy.
Of course, there was a period in which i thought i had found the 'spot' but it turned out to be just another fleeting shadow. Ive come to the conclusion on more than one occasion that there is no destination at least not a typical one for the likes of me.
edit:
whatever you do Mr. Fezz, don't google the title of my mock autobiography.
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It seems like you are in a terrible bind and somehow found your way to a Thelemic message board without knowing how to perform a simple banishing? That seems highly unusual. I don't know how we can help you without you being clearer about your situation or the kind of help you're looking for, if any. If Thelema isn't really your bag, then I wouldn't jump in and start practicing it to banish possible demons.
Speaking of which, I saw some hairy demons the other night rather clearly. Never thought of demons as hairy before, but these guys practically looked like muppets or something. Scarier, of course. Why did they show up? Well, I would say it had something to do with 20 hours of meditation. I'm mentioning this because you can attract perhaps negative attention by accident and, if you're not looking for that kind of attention and are not really interested in practices, it is probably better to get rid of any occult material you have lying around.
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@Redd Fezz said
"It seems like you are in a terrible bind and somehow found your way to a Thelemic message board without knowing how to perform a simple banishing? That seems highly unusual. I don't know how we can help you without you being clearer about your situation or the kind of help you're looking for, if any. If Thelema isn't really your bag, then I wouldn't jump in and start practicing it to banish possible demons.
Speaking of which, I saw some hairy demons the other night rather clearly. Never thought of demons as hairy before, but these guys practically looked like muppets or something. Scarier, of course. Why did they show up? Well, I would say it had something to do with 20 hours of meditation. I'm mentioning this because you can attract perhaps negative attention by accident and, if you're not looking for that kind of attention and are not really interested in practices, it is probably better to get rid of any occult material you have lying around."
Hello Mr.Fezz,
I thought i was pretty clear or as clear as one could be regarding materia that is so steeply mired in subjectivity?! I will figure it out or die trying. After all, strength is gained through scarring? I do appreciate the friendly advice and well wishing. And that picture of Barbara 'the beast' Bush helped me in ways a couldn't have imagined
Thanks Everyone,
Lux
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cool. yeah, did you see the one where she's making the sign of silence? That amused the hell out of me.
And now... I go that a-way
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A rambling Poem:
The ordeals and my very own personal mortality guard.
So as time would have it things have improved remarkably insofar as these perceived ordeals are concerned. The boogey man has proved to be nothing more than a protective lap dog with large teeth and a network of little doggie friends that extend into the nether reaches of creation - this was the point. It was an unwillingness to confront the awesome potential that seats itself in the Northwest cerebellum. I ran ... with an army of bewildered animal companions in hot pursuit shitting and crapping and chewing everything they came across. As i looked at their destructive capabilities i ran into a solid steel lightpost which rose so high in the sky it seemed to support the Universe. It left a rather nasty scar on my left forehead. But it got me thinking that i should always look where the hell i'm going.
It's all downhill from here as i realize that iam appointed to round up all these little confused shit disturbers and show them the proper place to defecate and how to share the little dogggie treats rather than hoard them. It's no easy task and i'm still a little uncertain how this is gonna pan out but i have an enormous light post to make sure my message is seen as well as a network of sleeping shit kickers to randomly shit, chew and cause general mayhem as a treat for the non-compliant...
end/
Reflecting, the Temple of Thelema has been very helpful in allowing me to go orbital with my thinking... I've another forum which is a little less rigid in terms of doctrinal certainty. I really don't care for partisan or protocol laden religiosity no matter who delivered it. I'm concerned with kindness and compassion not robotic, emotionless spiritual incantations... But whatever works for you. Mr. Fezz a very special thank you for you kindness and Fr. Aster Lux, keep shining... I will check in every now and again to see how things are brewing.
And so begins the next ordeal, i wish you all LOVE in life.