Ansuz Aleph
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Dear ToT Forums,
It's been a little while since I first registered on these forums. I had quite a journey finding my way to Thelema. I have always been one to listen more than talk. That translated to these forums as I have been lurking for some time. I realized that part of my silence has been out of fear: that is, fear of rejection by the members of this community and fear that whatever I post might be misunderstood or judged. On more than one occasion, I have typed very large and well-thought out posts. However, before actually posting, I'd change my mind at the last second and delete the whole thing. Even in some of the few past posts I've done, I have put my foot in my mouth and failed utterly at communicating whatever I intended. Recently, I have made the decision to act out against my fears. I have spent too much of my life not letting out whatever was inside. Here's my attempt for these forums, feel free to read or not, it's mostly a post for me:
My childhood atmosphere was filled with bible-thumping southern baptist conservatives. As a child, I learned how to adapt to my environment and coasted on "whatever my parents said" until my early twenties. I have always been a critical thinker, but never really had any issue accepting anything on faith alone. Without getting too specific, certain life circumstances led me to no longer feel this way about faith. I found myself making excuses for my all-powerful-omnipresent deity. Basically the one responsible for creating all the rules to the game I was playing.
I struggled with knowing where to turn, so I turned to my religion and dug deeper. I wanted to know everything there was to know about Christianity: all its principles, the full history, and have the answers to everything I filled with blind faith as a child. This search led me to read about Christian mysticism. Studying that led to reading and studying about alchemy. Reading about alchemy and various forms of mysticism led to me learning about Rosicrucianism. Despite how complex the answers I was finding, they still seemed to point to the same Christian deity and seemed terribly irrelevant. I wondered what type of more modern studies were being done about the Rosicrucians. I inevitably stumbled upon the Golden Dawn and Crowley. The Golden Dawn seemed very fascinating, but still attached to that old feeling that I did not fully connect to even as a child. After reading more about Crowley and the new aeon, I was very intrigued by this fresh approach that seemed to leave nothing out. I read a copy of the Book of the Law and didn't understand one bit of it. The copy I had was digital, to suffice burning, I deleted the copy from my computer. At the time, I didn't even know who Nuit was. I was totally lost at some of the terms used: energy, astral, etc. I did several searches on the internet for some help understanding just what this fellow Crowley was talking about. I figured one of the best ways to understand was to join one of his orders and have someone teach me. I did some research on these orders and their history. I found my way to these forums and read about Jim and some of the books he's written. I went ahead and purchased Mystical & Magical System of A.'.A.'.. I've thoroughly enjoyed the book, but it didn't really seem to help me understand some of the more basic concepts that I was failing to grasp. I did also manage to pick up a copy of Let Your Life Speak on Jim's recommendation. After reading through it, I used it to deeply meditate on my actions and feelings of the past. I have attempted to pay attention to every detail of my "inner" and "outer" circumstances.
I've went back and forth about every order in existence. Depending on what day you caught me on, I'd either be pursuing one thing or another. I still lacked some very basic understanding of everything involved. Since I've been a notoriously cautious person, I was too afraid to practice any sort of ritual without proper understanding of how it was supposed to be conducted. I also have a long ugly history with journal keeping. All throughout my childhood my dad bought me several journals and encouraged me to, "write whatever I want" in it. For some reason, I always preferred to keep some of my most intimate thoughts to myself and not allow them out in any medium. These journals ended up having drawings on the first few pages and being left mostly empty. When I read how much emphasis is placed on keeping a magical record, I was immediately worried/put off by it. To think that my supposed future mentor would be reading my entries and judging me based on them, was enough to discourage me from ever giving it another thought.
Despite these struggles, on November 25, 2011, I began Israel Regardie's One Year Manual. I was so tired of not practicing anything at all that I said damn the consequences: I was going to do the whole thing, Resh, diary, and all. Needless to say, I never made it passed the first few steps and did a nice crash and burn after only a few months of dedicated practice. Resh seemed to be overly difficult, I found myself doing the adorations in bathroom stalls at restaurants, pulling off to the side of the road, in the parking lot of my work, in the back yard of a friend's house, and any other obscure place I found myself. Then I found whatever way I could: paper, phone, ipod, etc. To record the time, place, and any other detail I could. I had all of the times set on my phone so I knew when the best time would be down to the minute. I found on more than one occasion, I'd check the time about 2-3 minutes early, and I would decide to wait til the optimal time. A distraction would arise and I would completely forget until 30+ minutes later. I would feel awful and guilty for every missed Resh and every twitch or scratch during my sitting/breathing exercise. Eventually these f--- ups would start to increase until I became so discouraged that I simply stopped altogether. I never officially ended my dedication to that curriculum, but something seems to be preventing me from going back to it.
Indeed, communication and practice seem to have some sort of blockage within every aspect of my life. Even as I'm typing this post out, I have contemplated more than once, deleting the whole thing and just doing a deep breath. I'm hoping that this doesn't happen, however, I don't want to be caught forever in inaction. My personal philosophy these days doesn't seem to help either. I have leanings very similar to Zen in the sense that there is nothing to be done. Simply day to day living is everything that would ever have to be done. Wei Wu Wei seems to perfectly capture this, "But practiser and practised are one, objectively separated as they are not, as appearance, but noumenally united as they are. There is no practiser, and there is nothing to practise." For me, this statement rings true. Unfortunately, the consequences become, if there's "nothing to practise," then why do any of this magick stuff? When I consulted Crowley's work, this is the answer that I found: "Why should you study and practice Magick? Because you can't help doing it, and you had better do it well than badly." I also find truth in Crowley's words here. No matter what I've studied, I always seem to find my way back to Crowley and Thelema. I just can't seem to help it. This gives me the opportunity to practice without any lust of result, because what is there to obtain if there is nothing to practise? I have wondered to myself if this destruction of duality is my own version of K&C, but who could tell? One of the only things I could ever find about K&C is that it's different for everyone. Sure, people can point to Liber Samekh, but even then, it can't be used as a guide for our own journey to K&C. But even as I have thoughts like that, I say, who is actually obtaining K&C if there's nothing to be obtained?
I have somewhat given up on the idea of joining any order or even seeking a master. Because this is something I have struggled with for so long, I decided to see what Crowley had to say on the matter: "Your work is not anybody else's...". This tells me that I can't look to someone else and rely on them for my journey. Of course, I still believe Crowley saw the use of the master/student relationship (after all, this was his preferred system for the A.'.A.'.), but I don't think that it was meant to be in replacement of the aspirant's journey. I have to be ready and willing to accept whatever my circumstances are. If that means a lifetime of struggling to ever get perform any kind of practice, then so be it. This was another part of the message in Let Your Life Speak: accepting yourself for every part, even the perceived good and bad.
I don't know exactly how to end this message. I'm still fighting deleting it. If anyone out there has read this far, congratulations, you know more about me and my life then my whole family and most of my closest friends.
Guess that means we're sort of close now.
Thanks,
Michael
PS - If anyone out there is from Georgia and would like to meet up for some coffee and good conversation, feel free to send me a PM.
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I'm really glad you didn't delete your post. That was really thought provoking and insightful. For me, by the time I got around to Thelema and the practice of magick, I had already gotten rid of my perfectionist tendencies that had manifested in other areas of my life when I was younger.
Like you however, I had just pretty much done what my parents said, but when I became an adult, I found out the hard way, it did not work anymore. -
Michael, welcome to heruraha.net
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Welcome, Michael.
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There's a lot that is familiar to me in your post! Not necessarily the perfectionist tendencies (I sometimes rather struggle with the contrary, too much laissez-faire), but certainly your feelings on Zen. I've had spiritual realizations and experiences which changed how I approach life for the better, all grounded in a Zen way of doing things.
For the longest time I was... stuck - which is perhaps not the best word - in a place where I was very content with my life, but where I certainly lacked ambition. However, to me it seemed absurd how people chase happiness and end up caught in a web that fails to satisfy them. Yet, in all that, I felt I needed to go somewhere a little farther. Last year I reintroduced myself to Thelema and here we are. I'm continuing to go through Regardie's One Year Manual myself and am on a self-initiatory track, at least until such a time I may find a proper A.'.A.': contact.
Anyway, don't mean to hijack your thread with my stuff, just letting you know others are in similar circumstances, but if you're interested more in my perspective, feel free to look at my introduction post here.
Otherwise, I bid you warmly welcome!
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I'm relatively new here, too, Michael. Glad to know I'm not the only one who's trying to figure this all out. You have a lot to overcome with your religious upbringing, but the fact that you know Thelema is "right" for you means everything. You've kept coming back to it because you yearn to be free in every sense of the word. I've also struggled with Resh, but I am vigilant about a magical diary. I study for 6-8 hours every week and record my thoughts, things I've learned, concepts, etc in my diary. It's a labor of love! I've not devoted myself to a study program (it's not a real 'program,' I am just reading books, looking at websites, etc) for years and years. I just began studying "The Vision and the Voice," and I have a separate journal for that. Joining an order? There isn't one where i live, and, frankly, I like doing my own thing. I really *&^% hate rules or anyone telling me I HAVE to read this or learn this . . . anyway, I wish you all the best and encourage you to participate here. I would if I had more time, but I sure do enjoy reading the posts. I've learned a lot.
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Thank you all for your kind words. As stated in my post, I'm not new here (at least I wouldn't consider 2010 new). But, I still appreciate everyone's welcomes.
I have changed my name from ANEA to Ansuz Aleph.
In case anyone ever wondered (doubtful, but maybe), ANEA stood for Amor non est aborior. Ansuz Aleph is more appropriate for my personal journey these days.
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I'm laughing at myself a little...
I just wrote a paragraph where I was trying to be encouraging about participating in the face of the whole judgment/rejection thing in the context of an academic setting - the only setting in which I myself am ever considered vocal.
Then I deleted it.
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@Bereshith said
"Then I deleted it.
"I find myself doing this quite a bit. It's part of a big struggle I am having (as you can see from my giant OP). It all seems to be related to communication. I have studied some on the Vishuddha chakra which is the throat chakra. It deals with communication, and I'm trying to find ways to "clear" or "unblock" this.
EDIT: Actually, I need to get a separate thread created about dealing with blockages to expression/communication rather than discussing here.
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Good post, Frater.
Sounds to me like you need be practicing Resh. I mean... don't you find the backyard, restroom, roadside scrambles an adventure? And what about the times you hit the mark? Sweet, right?
You gotta play to win.
Have you tried the BOTA correspondence course?
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Thanks David,
I must say, you have a wonderful attitude (getting my ass kicked by ritual = adventure
) when it comes to the work described. I never thought of myself as perfectionist (as mentioned by Shadow Self). I've just read an awful lot about the consequences of not performing ritual properly (ie - not closing pentagram in LBRP). This made me more or less nervous to just brazenly attempt ritual without being 100% sure I know what I'm doing. I've tried reading descriptions from writing, but it's difficult to know every detail from written word. I looked up various youtube videos (some from sources I don't fully trust) and in the comments section, there's long drawn out arguments about details of the ritual that was not performed correctly. This is part of the reason I see ToT video for something like LBRP to be so valuable. I didn't seem to have issues with the way I was performing Resh, that just became frustrating because I continually missed the mark for the time it was to be performed, and I would feel so awful when I messed up (how embarrassing is it to miss your Resh time and then have to go write down and record your mistake?). I hear you about "play(ing) to win" but it harkens back to my post, if we're practicing without lust of result, I would have to say: win what? If "There is no practiser, and there is nothing to practise", then what is there to obtain (or win)? Duality always seems to collapse onto itself, but even after it does, and there's nothing left, I still find a pull towards Thelema and Magick. Because as Crowley says, I "can't help" but do the work. Now, I know we've come full circle in conversation, but it's difficult to pinpoint this complex emotion for explanation. I apologize for my rambling. I'm still having difficulty with communication even though I'm pushing myself to type this stuff out. I appreciate you replying to what I've put out there so far. I'm afraid that my long-winded posts are going to limit who all takes the time to read them though.. ![ð](https://thelema.org/forum/assets/plugins/nodebb-plugin-emoji/emoji/android/1f615.png?v=dr3im8c3m8q ":\")
I was under the impression that BOTA was a west coast thing. I checked their site after your recommendation and saw that they may have some classes on the east coast as well. I need to research some more, but if I can get something in Georgia, that would be an excellent opportunity. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
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Two cents...
There's a certain satisfaction that comes from doing Resh right on the marks, knowing somewhere else someone else is doing the same thing. If you buy into the idea of collective mind and its currents, there is another possible benefit of the timing. There's also something to be learned from the exertion of Will without compromise..
Overall, though, personally, I just like the participating in the reminder of the different phases of Me. I really don't bother with precise times because I know from experience I'll just get frustrated with the perfectionistic demands and quit it altogether.
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I just mean you have to get on the court, I guess. It's not so much about lust of result, but if you slack on Resh, I just personally think you're kind of missing out on a great part of the ride.
I should say that I by no means always get it right, always do the right timing, the best god form, etc.. I slip and slide. I do dawn whenever it's dawn for me (i.e. upon rising). If I'm busy, i rush through the words without fully embodying the theurgic image. If I'm in public, I whisper and hide rather than intone nosily if I'm feeling socially constrained. But I'll tell you, the times when I step out of my comfort zone, and just do my thing without concern about those of weaker joys who might see me, or when I interrupt some comfortable or joyful diversion to hit my mark, those are the times when I feel most like a mage.
And I like seeing the long list of diary entries, seeing how things went on the days I hit all 4 quarters versus those when I didn't, etc. It's a simple experiment, and when well-recorded provides a very interesting context in which to observe myself dispassionately.
As for perfecting rituals, at least Resh has the advantage of being simple to perform. I assume the god form and I say the words. Pretty straight. Beyond that, I figure I gotta start somewhere. No use getting worked up over my shortcoming. As I tell my kids, the secret to life is practice.
I'm only scratching the surface on other stuff. I perform the LRP a couple times a day or so. There's a very thorough write up about it by Frater Yod somewhere in Black Pearl or ITC that you might try to dig up. I think the idea of ToT videos is a good one. But I think you'll learn the most by doing. That's been the case for me, anyway. I might not be perfect, but I'm getting the hang of it. It's like balance on a bike. Sure, I'm wobbly still. But I'm riding. I'm riding!!!
Frankly, I know nothing about the hazards of poorly performed ritual. Nothing has happened to me so far, other than that I feel more energy when I do the pentagram ritual well and attentively versus when I slack, more energy when I keep my Word around Resh then when I don't. I'm certainly not conjuring to visible manifestation or anything like that! In general though, I have a sanguine view of how magick works. Maybe it's that I'm inexperienced, but I think my aim is true and my intent loving, so, at some level, I figure the HGA is looking out for me, and a bit of common sense and good faith will make up for any early stage stumbling or imprecision.
In the end though, all solitary ritual is me hanging alone swinging my arms about and making noises. I really can't get myself too worked up over the risk and hazard of such silly eccentricities.
Not yet, anyway.
BOTA has a correspondence course. That's what I'm talking about. They mail you packets and you do the homework, and then they mail you another. Great stuff by all accounts, developed by Paul Case himself. Definitely worth the investment, especially if you don't find yourself nearby a local group to work with.
And please, Frater. Don't sweat the small stuff. Your posts are fine. Interesting. Candid. Enjoyable. Pleasant.
Keep it up.
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93 friends,
welcome brother. Thanks for your post. I enjoyed reading it and I resonate with what you are saying about writing and then deleting. I am also glad you didn't delete your post. I am looking forward to read more from you. Keep up the Work, even in the face of resistance. "The way out is through", as the title for a great song by NIN says.
LVX,
Erik
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"I just mean you have to get on the court, I guess. It's not so much about lust of result,"
I apologize. I'm not usually one to nit pick. Especially when I recognize how difficult it is to talk about non-dual concepts using a language (English) rooted in duality. I fully understand where you're coming from. Next time I won't give someone a hard time who is trying to be nice to me!
I find it interesting that you haven't read some of the same things I have about incorrect ritual causing bad things to happen. Time permitting, I will run some searches on these forums (and maybe even others) to find some examples of what I've read. Either way, I seem to have a combination of indecisiveness and fear that is keeping me from trying more things in practice. This stems from a combination of those things that I read, my experiences with Resh (which I'd like to re-approach with the attitude you mentioned), and an inner struggle I am currently having (will explain below).
Since I have given my feelings more attention than ever these last few years, I've noticed how "dirty" it feels to work with or even consider working with things that are Hebrew/Christian mythos centered. The most obvious explanation of this feeling would be my past dealings with christians growing up. One of the most appealing things to me about Crowley was how "all inclusive" he was in building his modern movement for Thelema. I like the holistic approach and for nothing to be left out. The use of hebrew letters, angelic names, and other things related to that mythos give me too much of the christian vibe, and all feeling I get from it is the oppression and other aspects that I am still recovering from. Even things like saying will before meals is something that I'm uncomfortable with. For me, when I denied christianity and liberated myself from that ideology, not saying blessing at my meals always gave me a great feeling of satisfaction and freedom. I have always found myself more intuitively/emotionally attracted to runes, but little to no information is available out there regarding their relation to Thelema/Crowley. However, I have so much respect for Crowley and people like Jim, that I see studying the Hebrew letters + gematria as an essential part of practicing the work that Crowley had compiled for his aspirants. I reflected this inner struggle with my new name "Ansuz Aleph."
Speaking of the points in the above paragraph, I have very conflicting feelings about BOTA. I see how highly revered it is after doing some searches on this forum, but when it talks about it's teachings being at "the heart of christianity," I cringed. The real problem here is I'm glad that I was able to liberate myself from that doctrine/mindset/worldview, but I don't want my attitude/feelings become a limiting factor that prevents me from accomplishing the Great Work. I will have to do some more sorting of my feelings before I decide whether not to pursue BOTA.
@EOIW - Thank you very much for your kind words.
EDIT UPDATE: Wanted to update you guys. I registered with BOTA today (I'm sick of my feelings being a limiting factor). I will be following up with some discussions of my journey on these forums. I want to continue my communication. I'm hoping at some point it gets easier.
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Michael, I read this when you first posted, appreciated the sharing, etc. I read it again just now (after some of our conversations) with an eye to what I could offer you.
There are a couple of broad paths to enlightenment (etc.). One is the way of nature: Eventually we all get there, partly by maturing in a particular life, and partly in maturing across serial lives. This is slow, but it's sure.
There is another way - a way to accelerate that natural process - the way of initiation and, more broadly, of directed spiritual practices. Possibly some of us are just impatient; or, possibly, there is a place in natural developmentwhere a spark ignites, and the need to accelerate our way is the most natural thing in the world.
Regardless, there are paths of attainment natural to each. For those that do not take an initiatic approach, that want to reach this goal more through what looks like living their ordinary lives, the road of coming to know and do your True Will is a way of Karma Yoga.
As I have time, I'll try to find some pieces of the stuff I've been writing on this lately anbd add it here. (No promises. You know how time gets away from us.)
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I had such a beautiful and wonderful Woden's day yesterday (full moon and all!). I got to start my day off with your response, Jim. Thank you very much for your words. I will spend some time letting them sink in. Of course for the rest, time permitting..
Zalthos and I were talking to each other about this yesterday. We are both really looking forward to the book that you have coming out soon. Hope everything with it is going well! I'll keep an eye on your facebook.
Thanks again
