Ansuz Aleph
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Michael, welcome to heruraha.net
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Welcome, Michael.
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There's a lot that is familiar to me in your post! Not necessarily the perfectionist tendencies (I sometimes rather struggle with the contrary, too much laissez-faire), but certainly your feelings on Zen. I've had spiritual realizations and experiences which changed how I approach life for the better, all grounded in a Zen way of doing things.
For the longest time I was... stuck - which is perhaps not the best word - in a place where I was very content with my life, but where I certainly lacked ambition. However, to me it seemed absurd how people chase happiness and end up caught in a web that fails to satisfy them. Yet, in all that, I felt I needed to go somewhere a little farther. Last year I reintroduced myself to Thelema and here we are. I'm continuing to go through Regardie's One Year Manual myself and am on a self-initiatory track, at least until such a time I may find a proper A.'.A.': contact.
Anyway, don't mean to hijack your thread with my stuff, just letting you know others are in similar circumstances, but if you're interested more in my perspective, feel free to look at my introduction post here.
Otherwise, I bid you warmly welcome!
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I'm relatively new here, too, Michael. Glad to know I'm not the only one who's trying to figure this all out. You have a lot to overcome with your religious upbringing, but the fact that you know Thelema is "right" for you means everything. You've kept coming back to it because you yearn to be free in every sense of the word. I've also struggled with Resh, but I am vigilant about a magical diary. I study for 6-8 hours every week and record my thoughts, things I've learned, concepts, etc in my diary. It's a labor of love! I've not devoted myself to a study program (it's not a real 'program,' I am just reading books, looking at websites, etc) for years and years. I just began studying "The Vision and the Voice," and I have a separate journal for that. Joining an order? There isn't one where i live, and, frankly, I like doing my own thing. I really *&^% hate rules or anyone telling me I HAVE to read this or learn this . . . anyway, I wish you all the best and encourage you to participate here. I would if I had more time, but I sure do enjoy reading the posts. I've learned a lot.
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Thank you all for your kind words. As stated in my post, I'm not new here (at least I wouldn't consider 2010 new). But, I still appreciate everyone's welcomes.
I have changed my name from ANEA to Ansuz Aleph.
In case anyone ever wondered (doubtful, but maybe), ANEA stood for Amor non est aborior. Ansuz Aleph is more appropriate for my personal journey these days.
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I'm laughing at myself a little...
I just wrote a paragraph where I was trying to be encouraging about participating in the face of the whole judgment/rejection thing in the context of an academic setting - the only setting in which I myself am ever considered vocal.
Then I deleted it.
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@Bereshith said
"Then I deleted it.
"I find myself doing this quite a bit. It's part of a big struggle I am having (as you can see from my giant OP). It all seems to be related to communication. I have studied some on the Vishuddha chakra which is the throat chakra. It deals with communication, and I'm trying to find ways to "clear" or "unblock" this.
EDIT: Actually, I need to get a separate thread created about dealing with blockages to expression/communication rather than discussing here.
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Good post, Frater.
Sounds to me like you need be practicing Resh. I mean... don't you find the backyard, restroom, roadside scrambles an adventure? And what about the times you hit the mark? Sweet, right?
You gotta play to win.
Have you tried the BOTA correspondence course?
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Thanks David,
I must say, you have a wonderful attitude (getting my ass kicked by ritual = adventure
) when it comes to the work described. I never thought of myself as perfectionist (as mentioned by Shadow Self). I've just read an awful lot about the consequences of not performing ritual properly (ie - not closing pentagram in LBRP). This made me more or less nervous to just brazenly attempt ritual without being 100% sure I know what I'm doing. I've tried reading descriptions from writing, but it's difficult to know every detail from written word. I looked up various youtube videos (some from sources I don't fully trust) and in the comments section, there's long drawn out arguments about details of the ritual that was not performed correctly. This is part of the reason I see ToT video for something like LBRP to be so valuable. I didn't seem to have issues with the way I was performing Resh, that just became frustrating because I continually missed the mark for the time it was to be performed, and I would feel so awful when I messed up (how embarrassing is it to miss your Resh time and then have to go write down and record your mistake?). I hear you about "play(ing) to win" but it harkens back to my post, if we're practicing without lust of result, I would have to say: win what? If "There is no practiser, and there is nothing to practise", then what is there to obtain (or win)? Duality always seems to collapse onto itself, but even after it does, and there's nothing left, I still find a pull towards Thelema and Magick. Because as Crowley says, I "can't help" but do the work. Now, I know we've come full circle in conversation, but it's difficult to pinpoint this complex emotion for explanation. I apologize for my rambling. I'm still having difficulty with communication even though I'm pushing myself to type this stuff out. I appreciate you replying to what I've put out there so far. I'm afraid that my long-winded posts are going to limit who all takes the time to read them though.. ![ð](https://thelema.org/forum/assets/plugins/nodebb-plugin-emoji/emoji/android/1f615.png?v=dr3im8c3m8q ":\")
I was under the impression that BOTA was a west coast thing. I checked their site after your recommendation and saw that they may have some classes on the east coast as well. I need to research some more, but if I can get something in Georgia, that would be an excellent opportunity. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
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Two cents...
There's a certain satisfaction that comes from doing Resh right on the marks, knowing somewhere else someone else is doing the same thing. If you buy into the idea of collective mind and its currents, there is another possible benefit of the timing. There's also something to be learned from the exertion of Will without compromise..
Overall, though, personally, I just like the participating in the reminder of the different phases of Me. I really don't bother with precise times because I know from experience I'll just get frustrated with the perfectionistic demands and quit it altogether.
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I just mean you have to get on the court, I guess. It's not so much about lust of result, but if you slack on Resh, I just personally think you're kind of missing out on a great part of the ride.
I should say that I by no means always get it right, always do the right timing, the best god form, etc.. I slip and slide. I do dawn whenever it's dawn for me (i.e. upon rising). If I'm busy, i rush through the words without fully embodying the theurgic image. If I'm in public, I whisper and hide rather than intone nosily if I'm feeling socially constrained. But I'll tell you, the times when I step out of my comfort zone, and just do my thing without concern about those of weaker joys who might see me, or when I interrupt some comfortable or joyful diversion to hit my mark, those are the times when I feel most like a mage.
And I like seeing the long list of diary entries, seeing how things went on the days I hit all 4 quarters versus those when I didn't, etc. It's a simple experiment, and when well-recorded provides a very interesting context in which to observe myself dispassionately.
As for perfecting rituals, at least Resh has the advantage of being simple to perform. I assume the god form and I say the words. Pretty straight. Beyond that, I figure I gotta start somewhere. No use getting worked up over my shortcoming. As I tell my kids, the secret to life is practice.
I'm only scratching the surface on other stuff. I perform the LRP a couple times a day or so. There's a very thorough write up about it by Frater Yod somewhere in Black Pearl or ITC that you might try to dig up. I think the idea of ToT videos is a good one. But I think you'll learn the most by doing. That's been the case for me, anyway. I might not be perfect, but I'm getting the hang of it. It's like balance on a bike. Sure, I'm wobbly still. But I'm riding. I'm riding!!!
Frankly, I know nothing about the hazards of poorly performed ritual. Nothing has happened to me so far, other than that I feel more energy when I do the pentagram ritual well and attentively versus when I slack, more energy when I keep my Word around Resh then when I don't. I'm certainly not conjuring to visible manifestation or anything like that! In general though, I have a sanguine view of how magick works. Maybe it's that I'm inexperienced, but I think my aim is true and my intent loving, so, at some level, I figure the HGA is looking out for me, and a bit of common sense and good faith will make up for any early stage stumbling or imprecision.
In the end though, all solitary ritual is me hanging alone swinging my arms about and making noises. I really can't get myself too worked up over the risk and hazard of such silly eccentricities.
Not yet, anyway.
BOTA has a correspondence course. That's what I'm talking about. They mail you packets and you do the homework, and then they mail you another. Great stuff by all accounts, developed by Paul Case himself. Definitely worth the investment, especially if you don't find yourself nearby a local group to work with.
And please, Frater. Don't sweat the small stuff. Your posts are fine. Interesting. Candid. Enjoyable. Pleasant.
Keep it up.
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93 friends,
welcome brother. Thanks for your post. I enjoyed reading it and I resonate with what you are saying about writing and then deleting. I am also glad you didn't delete your post. I am looking forward to read more from you. Keep up the Work, even in the face of resistance. "The way out is through", as the title for a great song by NIN says.
LVX,
Erik
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"I just mean you have to get on the court, I guess. It's not so much about lust of result,"
I apologize. I'm not usually one to nit pick. Especially when I recognize how difficult it is to talk about non-dual concepts using a language (English) rooted in duality. I fully understand where you're coming from. Next time I won't give someone a hard time who is trying to be nice to me!
I find it interesting that you haven't read some of the same things I have about incorrect ritual causing bad things to happen. Time permitting, I will run some searches on these forums (and maybe even others) to find some examples of what I've read. Either way, I seem to have a combination of indecisiveness and fear that is keeping me from trying more things in practice. This stems from a combination of those things that I read, my experiences with Resh (which I'd like to re-approach with the attitude you mentioned), and an inner struggle I am currently having (will explain below).
Since I have given my feelings more attention than ever these last few years, I've noticed how "dirty" it feels to work with or even consider working with things that are Hebrew/Christian mythos centered. The most obvious explanation of this feeling would be my past dealings with christians growing up. One of the most appealing things to me about Crowley was how "all inclusive" he was in building his modern movement for Thelema. I like the holistic approach and for nothing to be left out. The use of hebrew letters, angelic names, and other things related to that mythos give me too much of the christian vibe, and all feeling I get from it is the oppression and other aspects that I am still recovering from. Even things like saying will before meals is something that I'm uncomfortable with. For me, when I denied christianity and liberated myself from that ideology, not saying blessing at my meals always gave me a great feeling of satisfaction and freedom. I have always found myself more intuitively/emotionally attracted to runes, but little to no information is available out there regarding their relation to Thelema/Crowley. However, I have so much respect for Crowley and people like Jim, that I see studying the Hebrew letters + gematria as an essential part of practicing the work that Crowley had compiled for his aspirants. I reflected this inner struggle with my new name "Ansuz Aleph."
Speaking of the points in the above paragraph, I have very conflicting feelings about BOTA. I see how highly revered it is after doing some searches on this forum, but when it talks about it's teachings being at "the heart of christianity," I cringed. The real problem here is I'm glad that I was able to liberate myself from that doctrine/mindset/worldview, but I don't want my attitude/feelings become a limiting factor that prevents me from accomplishing the Great Work. I will have to do some more sorting of my feelings before I decide whether not to pursue BOTA.
@EOIW - Thank you very much for your kind words.
EDIT UPDATE: Wanted to update you guys. I registered with BOTA today (I'm sick of my feelings being a limiting factor). I will be following up with some discussions of my journey on these forums. I want to continue my communication. I'm hoping at some point it gets easier.
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Michael, I read this when you first posted, appreciated the sharing, etc. I read it again just now (after some of our conversations) with an eye to what I could offer you.
There are a couple of broad paths to enlightenment (etc.). One is the way of nature: Eventually we all get there, partly by maturing in a particular life, and partly in maturing across serial lives. This is slow, but it's sure.
There is another way - a way to accelerate that natural process - the way of initiation and, more broadly, of directed spiritual practices. Possibly some of us are just impatient; or, possibly, there is a place in natural developmentwhere a spark ignites, and the need to accelerate our way is the most natural thing in the world.
Regardless, there are paths of attainment natural to each. For those that do not take an initiatic approach, that want to reach this goal more through what looks like living their ordinary lives, the road of coming to know and do your True Will is a way of Karma Yoga.
As I have time, I'll try to find some pieces of the stuff I've been writing on this lately anbd add it here. (No promises. You know how time gets away from us.)
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I had such a beautiful and wonderful Woden's day yesterday (full moon and all!). I got to start my day off with your response, Jim. Thank you very much for your words. I will spend some time letting them sink in. Of course for the rest, time permitting..
Zalthos and I were talking to each other about this yesterday. We are both really looking forward to the book that you have coming out soon. Hope everything with it is going well! I'll keep an eye on your facebook.
Thanks again
