Problem with Resh,
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Mmm. I wouldn't say bored.
Something did happen that scared me a bit. I had one experience with Resh that was particularly intense, with the Midday Resh, which was perhaps one of the most intense experiences I'd ever had, certainly the longest magical experience. It had me gasping - it was very pleasant, but... It felt like I was flooded with that firey light that I so adored, and it left me gasping and very rattled and I was shaking for four or five hours afterwards. It felt very much as though I had pierced through something, which I had never experienced before (or - the only similar experience was when I took far too much of a particular hallucinogenic and immediately lost ego - it was similar, but pleasant and not nearly as earth-shattering or horrifying, and I still had an ego). Regardless, it was a little too much for me and I was quite anxious and for the next few days and purposefully didn't put as much effort in, lest such a thing happen again. After that, life got in the way - my girlfriend left me
and that made me sad - very sad - I am still sad - and then my sleep schedule totally screwed up. The regularity that Resh provided is no longer there because I don't know when I will sleep or when I will wake up - that's a big part of it, I think. I want to fix my sleep schedule but, I've had this problem for years, I don't really have much control over it (I have a few very serious health problems, which often flare up and throw off my body clock). And with all this my awareness of anything at all has just sort of slipped away. My willingness to do anything has slipped away.I guess it isn't just a Resh thing, you know. Maybe I'm expecting too much of poor Resh. I can't be inflamed with marvelous awe at the center of our system if I can scarcely summon up the effort to eat breakfast. Hmm...
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@Laura Marx said
"should I keep doing it? will this change eventually? Or, should I make changes about myself/life/day, or do a different daily adoration perhaps?"
I think far too many beginners in magick flit around from practice to practice, not really committing themselves to any routine. A lot of these people are flakes who are just in it for the novelty, adopting any practice that strikes them as cool ("Oh, rad...Voodoo Gnosis...wait a sec, here's a book on Alien Gnosis!...no, wait, I wanna summon the Great Old Ones!!").
My advice is to pick a practice and stick with it. If you really hate it, then stop, but it doesn't sound like that's your problem. It sounds like you're going through a lot in your life.
Well, good news: here's your chance to practice some real magick. Force yourself into a regular sleep pattern where you can get at least six or seven hours a night. Force yourself to eat at regular intervals (start with foods you love, morning, noon, and night, to entice yourself to eat). Force yourself to do some kind of physical activity at least once per day.
Your mind is unhappy? Tell it, "Tough." You're in charge, not your thoughts. Show your mind who's boss and create a schedule for yourself.
If it helps, make a list of things to do every day and work through them, one by one. That list is your collection of magical tools. Speak each one out loud as you cross them off: those are your incantations. Your meals, exercise, sleep...those are your rituals of purification and consecration.
That's what magick actually is. The formal rituals and trappings are just symbols and aids for the process of mindfully living your everyday life.
Add Resh to your schedule and spend time appreciating the sun. Appreciate everything in existence. Pretty soon you won't be bothered by some thought in your head about an idea you call "ex girlfriend." That's just some thought, some wispy illusion in your mind. The sun is out there in the real world. Your meal is out there in the real world. The world is a million times more beautiful than these gloomy thoughts you insist on feeding.
Slowly add the LBRP to your daily schedule, and other rituals as they strike your fancy (the Middle Pillar is especially useful for raising your energy level). Take your time, and don't be too hard on yourself when you mess up (which you will, a fair bit).
Ease yourself into a steady routine that includes ritual. Focus at all times on the goal of getting yourself out of your head, with its gloomy thoughts, and into the world outside of yourself. Once you feel confident in the routine, keep it up for one year and see how you are after that.
Best of luck,
Los -
Ah, thank you a lot, Los. I love the idea of making the days events into a list of magical tools. I can't really just force myself out of the off-body clock (when I say I have health problems causing this I do mean it quite seriously, unfortunately - I cannot just force myself to sleep by willpower any more than a paraplegic can force themselves to stand by willpower) however I can certainly do my damnedest to get through the night truly and surely and I think your advice will help me a lot. Thankyou, Los.
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@Laura Marx said
"Ah, thank you a lot, Los."
You're welcome.
" I cannot just force myself to sleep by willpower any more than a paraplegic can force themselves to stand by willpower"
Yeah, I hear ya. A lot of times, though, just lying there and letting your body rest does a lot of good, even if your mind isn't technically sleeping.
But sure, if you physically can't sleep and if you're too annoyed to lie there any more, get up and watch some Netflix or something. Don't be too hard on yourself.
"The regularity that Resh provided is no longer there because I don't know when I will sleep or when I will wake up - that's a big part of it, I think."
I see. Well, don't feel like you need to get the times exactly right. For years (back when my sleep cycle was even more erratic than now), I would say the dawn adoration whenever I woke up, whatever time that happened to be. I'd almost always be wildly off, missing the dawn by hours. More than once, I'd have to do two in a row because I woke up after noon, so I did one to "catch up," one for noon, and then proceeded as normal from there.
I've also gone through periods where I tried (and mostly succeeded) doing the ritual at exactly the right times every day. And I can tell you from experience that it really doesn't make much of a difference at all. Sure, trying to get it exactly right is good mindfulness exercise, and it's worth trying sometime if you're physically capable, but the main benefit of the ritual doesn't come from nailing the exact moment. The main benefit is to make you more aware of the sun's cycles and, more broadly, to make you more aware of the natural world around you, which is real (unlike your thoughts, which are illusions).
It doesn't really make very much of a difference whether you get the exact times right. Certainly don't let it stress you out or discourage you from doing it if you miss the times by a bit. There's no actual "secret door" that you're opening up or anything.
Sometimes it feels intense to practice Resh. Other times not. It's always a little different, as with all rituals. Enjoy all the different feelings. Revel in them. Life's too big and beautiful to spend all your time worrying about your little thoughts or worrying whether you got the rituals "just right" or whatever.
Anyway, that's enough out of me and my propensity to give inspirational speeches like a baseball coach. Good luck on your path.
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Something that I always try to keep in the front of my mind about rituals and things that I do, is that I am a woman with a womans cycle. Which means for me that I have two monthy high times as well as two yearly high times. This also means that I have the low times as well.
Resh is a solar adoration, and while the sun appears constant and unchanging to us, so far away, it actually does have cycles and ebbs and flows. Subtle to many, and often hard to pin down. But they are there and Resh over time will attune ones body to that cycle that governs life on this planet.
But......you are a woman and have very noticeable changes in your biochemistry. You even admit that you are not able to nourish yourself by eating and resting properly, in your own natural rhythm. When I first started my path of this whole Know Thyself business I found a book called the Aquarian Goddess which I highly recommend even though it uses the topical astrological cycles.
I personally believe that women need to understand and gain control of their own cycles, which are reflected in a lunar cycle. Learn about your own highs and lows, physically, emotionally, energentical, and spiritually/creatively.
I'm not saying don't do Resh, I would recommend sticking with it but also incorporating a more detailed journal analysis of your work to include your lunar cycles, where you are in your personal heat, where the moon physically is (which sign) your levels (I plotted mine for years in a graph similar to biorhythm) and the solar aspects as well, (sun-moon relationships/aspects).
And for me personally, I don't take things very seriously. Meaning, if today I know I'm at a low point and I feel like wearing my sweatpants and slippers and not doing my rituals I will honor myself by doing what I feel is natural and unforced (as much as possible, for example if I felt that way but HAD to get dressed for a meeting, I would simply acknowledge my feelings as valid, but that sometimes being of service means doing something different then our initial feelings).
Knowing your personal lunar cycles as well as the solar will empower you to be able to accurately predict what is coming down the road at you and allow you the "grace" to make the best decisions to enhance your life.
And not to gripe at Los, but I personally highly disagree that if you can't sleep you should watch Netflix. It is proven that electronics interfer with sleep patterns, read a book, go for a walk, wash the floor, color a picture, practice forms of deep relaxation, but don't turn on the idiot box or get online.
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@Angel of Death said
"
And not to gripe at Los, but I personally highly disagree that if you can't sleep you should watch Netflix. It is proven that electronics interfer with sleep patterns, read a book, go for a walk, wash the floor, color a picture, practice forms of deep relaxation, but don't turn on the idiot box or get online."I've found the exact same thing; if I sit on the computer too much late at night or something of that sort it really screws with my ability to switch off. I always try to have at least an hour before I go to bed spent meditating, reading or if it's really not happening I go for a walk, or have a beer, although that last one seems to only have a knock-out effect that wears off after a couple of hours.
As for Resh; best not to beat yourself up about it, negative reinforcement is not usually that useful. After a while it gets easier but when I look back at how I was when I started I used to forget about half the time although now, a few years later I rarely miss it unless I'm really busy. It comes in time.
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@Angel of Death said
"I personally believe that women need to understand and gain control of their own cycles, which are reflected in a lunar cycle. Learn about your own highs and lows, physically, emotionally, energentical, and spiritually/creatively. "
AOD: Men do too. For me, the pattern apprehensions are the guideposts. I couldn't agree more about gaining control of ALL cycles, or at least noticing the shifts and the tendencies. Extremely important. It is also humbling, when looking at these patterns -- they are part of the "elements" that make us wonderfully human -- and they are never truly banished.
@Laura Marx said
"Regardless, it's a pain. I'm just asking: should I keep doing it? will this change eventually? Or, should I make changes about myself/life/day, or do a different daily adoration perhaps? "
"Regardless, it was a little too much for me and I was quite anxious and for the next few days and purposefully didn't put as much effort in, lest such a thing happen again. After that, life got in the way - my girlfriend left me and that made me sad - very sad - I am still sad - and then my sleep schedule totally screwed up."
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Everything else will work itself out. If you want to do something different, just make sure you're doing it for reasons that work for you. Anyway, losing a lover is one of the toughest experiences one can go through -- but as someone that has been on both sides of the fence, it makes the new love that much sweeter. There is never a regret -- although the partner(s) may change, Love stays the same throughout the ages.
And there will be a new love. That is a promise.
With all of my Magical Being, I guarantee it.
I'm not discounting what you're going through emotionally -- but, aside from that, when it comes to practices, do what you want to do. Other people's advice is, well...something that makes sense to them:
Follow your own advice.
Live up to your own standard.
What feels right to you?
DO THAT.Listen to what that is then
DO IT."If you're not doing what you want to do, you're doing something wrong." -- Frater 639
Allow yourself to understand what your issues, loves, hopes, etc. are, why you need others, and why you miss the person you miss. Allow yourself to understand that you are beautiful and full of love to give -- you are PERFECT. And the love that you have for others is inside of you, and these feelings that you've experienced, with your girlfriend, was the most recent catalyst for your authentic love's expression.
THIS IS YOU.
YOUR LOVE'S EXPRESSION
IS YOUR CORE-EXPRESSION
WHICH IS YOU.I look at relationships (and Love) as an authentic way of experiencing the kingdom of heaven (the parable of the pearl comes to mind) -- and it anchors in a new depth of Love (discovering a new etching in my being) that originates and wells up inside of me, that finds an explosion of expression when attaching to something "outside" of me. And, of course, real Love notices that the lines between Lover and Beloved (inside and out) become blurred into one multifarious blobbery of orgasms and laughter...
Now, on to the droll scientific blah blahs; but it helps to balance the emotional stuff above, to notice and work both sides when you want to (at will, between the rational and emotional parts, which are TOOLS in the TOOLKIT of your being and body):
Your energy levels are low -- so, it's really no surprise to me that Resh is difficult to do. Energy levels are what Resh is supposed to raise, with the ideal parts of pyschological symbolism (Gods) that you've established and spent some time with. It is a form of Bhakti yoga, as we all know...a controlled way of raising energized enthusiasm while focusing on an object of adoration.
After using Resh for many years, this "adoration" feeling is anchored within me. The energy comes when I call it (if I am not exhausted) and the archetypes are anchored to use. Now, I have to admit, this "adoration of the Sun" (LIFE) is far more organic and automatic -- seemingly adjusting quicker and quicker as momentum is gained...
Anyway, it can present difficulties sometimes when anchoring energy levels with an object of adoration "outside" of ourselves (a lover, for instance). Oxytocin and adrenal system byproducts (feel good body chemicals, warm fuzzys, and other very valuable things that are part of living a lovely human life -- which are obviously released during Resh) are constantly being associated with an object of adoration and affection (a lover, in this case) via sex and other powerful emotional states. Our bodies and brains create a highway of "accessible energy" between that symbol (a person and an archetype are sometimes the same thing!
) the more we reinforce these "chemical releases." Remove the symbol and the energy can wane, which can cause some "dark" moments -- our brain feeds on these chemicals in a very proven way to thrive and develop. At least, this data has been correlated with my pattern apprehension -- and it is very plausible given the proven biochemistry behind these emotional states...Not to sound insensitive, because I really don't mean it that way at all -- in fact, I really do care -- in fact, I care from the bottom of my heart, because Love is my core-expression, too...
Anyway, if relationships are your thing (and they are most certainly my thing), what I will usually do when in a "love lost" circumstance, after the necessary mourning period (which is hopefully directed to a "feelings assessment" rather than directed by depression), I tend to find another suitable person and enjoy them for who they are. Love (and a lot of sex too!) helps much more than Resh, almost every time. And, it's a lot more fun.
I tend to look at mindful, caring, impassioned sex as the best healer -- although a statement like this would make the sexually repressed, the pious, and all the other "moral" dictators sing the praises of their libido slavery, I really do mean it. Many orgasms with others solve many of life's problems, for all parties involved.
[And please, preemptively, to all the Victorians out there -- please feel free to practice celibacy (and/or any other sort of "responsible" way of having sex with yourself and your tired partners) while saving your restrictive recommendations for the Dark Ages prayer groups with your creativity-controlling youth pastor. Amen.]
Didn't want to turn this into a sex-positive speech, but I wanted to express the correlation between the Resh practice and relationships -- as it relates to energy, arousal, and adoration, in general...
Anyway, Laura Marx -- FEEL BETTER!!!
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Don't take this the wrong way, cause I'm smiling when I say this....
But....
I get a little bit of a chuckle when I think about masculine cycles.
Im not denying them or making lite of them, and I have truly not much personal excierence except for my own very limited gene pool and my nature....
I know people who would rather smash their toe with a hammer then deal with a raging pms woman, a sobbing, inconsolable irrational female, who just yesterday was a bundle of joy.
In this day and age where western allopathic medicine seeks to control and treat everything with drugs I think that the very first thing every young lady should do when she starts her period is tracking her cycles, recording them, validating herself and educating herself about what is normal.
I have never needed psyche Meds, birth control pills, professional therapy, and I have a very strong foundation of self confidence and optimism, which I directly correlate with my own very early work on understanding my personal cycles.
I am only stating this to reinforce to Laura how vital getting to know what being a woman is to her overall health and well being. I encourage men to as well, of course, but ya know....you guys have it a little bit easier and you also do not face a culture that attempts to define our cycles as negative, a hi derance, something to be shamed of and medicated.
To further clarify, when I spoke of controlling ones cycles I was meaning more along the lines of putting a bridle on a horse. That horse is gonna run, but with a bridle you can make sure it isn't running off a cliff.
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Laura,
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
I get the feeling of a mind being overwhelmed and over-strained.
Most people seem have a tendency to overestimate their own ability and mental power. I have been one of them for many years... It all came down to me finally understanding the anecdote about Milo living in ancient Greece, who started carrying a newborn calf on his shoulders; one day walking around with a full grown bull.
So with this story in mind, when I started yoga practice several years ago, after years of failure with keeping up any practices for any longer period of time... In the beginning, for two weeks to come, the closest I came to doing any yoga, was bringing the yoga mat out of the closet; immediately putting it back inside! After two weeks had passed I finally added the first exercise… Little by little, and very slowly, I increased the length (burden) of the practice and after 6 months I had a 45 minute “non-failing” program… It was fun and so ridiculously easy to preform all the way!
*Then my son was borne and I dropped it..
*
But what I learn is this: Every time I see the need to create a new habit of any kind, I adapt the method of “carrying a newborn calf”, always starting on a ridiculous low sandbox level… Then I know I won’t be failing due to being backfired by a sloppy mind; sick and tired of the burden forced upon it.This phenomena has happend to me so many times; I have lost counting...
By this "foolproof" method of being successful in whatever you start with, you also gain what I consider more important than the practice itself – patience. Which is a virtue that overall seem to be missing in today’s society of instant gratification. The lack of patience, probably is one of the key reasons to why people overestimates their own ability – so many of us are all about “lust for result”.
The older and more experienced I get, the more I seem to fall in love with "the way of the Turtle". Therefore my dear, see to that you start by carrying little weight and hasten slowly. Perhaps you have overestimated yourself and need to cut back on “the adorations”, back to a level that doesn’t strain the mind more than it can handle (Perhaps starting by doing it only once a day for the next three months to come?)... It's better to fall back and to retreat a little, licking your own wounds, than to later fail completely by abandoning the adorations in utter disgust...
@Laura Marx said
"Now, it has become a chore. I dread saying Resh, I frequently miss the times by half an hour or so, and in general I find it difficult to summon up much motivation. "
For example, and in my own case, every time I feel what you say you feel; bored, unmotivated, sick and tired etc… I know I have over-strained the mind; been trying to hard; having “lust for result”; been to eager in my own work. Immediately when I am made aware of these symptoms, I understand the reason to fall back and relax a little…
Relax, enjoy, don’t bring joy out of work by being to hard on yourself. You don’t need what people call “discipline” (to hell with forcing yourself!) if you understand what I am talking about. You simply can’t fail when you start on a sandbox level… carrying "a newborn calf;" making haste like "a turtle".
In the end and for your own consideration: more important than any practice in itself, is patience… It is the greatest of virtues and very few people has it… I for once is impatience incarnated, it even shows itself in my magickal name Captator, meaning "one who eagerly sizes" and this is what I am currently up against... I am still in the process of trying to manage simple ordinary things as not to rush ordinary simple things as, walks, meals, toilet affairs etc.
But I experience less and less rush and lust for success in my own life... Slowly, slowly I am making patience the foundation of my own house... I'm all for starting with "carrying a new borne calf" and to "make haste like a turtle" - in everything I do... I don't care if people laugh at me when they hear about me bringing forth the yoga mat for two weeks; immediately to have it put back inside the closet. I love the idea of a man being strong in his own weakness... I believe it to be the beginning of humbleness and the death of the ego.
I also understand the importance of what Jim said; "creating space". This that you are doing can't be something squeezed within a "crack"... If it is a "crack" that you have created, you need to cut down on the exercise to fit the crack, or to expand the crack to fit the exercise. In the beginning it's probably better to accept the crack and to cut down on the exercise - just to keep your occupation on a "none-failing sandbox level". Later to expand the crack slowly slowly, by increasing the burden on your mind...
Love is the law, love under will.
Peace
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I don't really have the energy to reply right now, but, I just want to say: thankyou, thankyou, always, friends, thankyou so much. You have all of you been such a great help to me! I will reply in full another time. Thankyou so much